The only way to protect someone is to give them the freedom to choose. You must give them all the information and trust that their decision will be the right one for them.
You hope that the decision will coincide with yours. But it might not. And that’s ok. It has to be ok.
Taking away someone’s choice by providing narrow or no information is manipulation.
Ignorance is not safety.
It sucks. We want to protect the ones we love. But treating them like a child because it hurts you to take the neccesary steps. Because you think you know better… Takes away their agency. Doing so is a betrayal of their trust.
Is it as painful for you as it is to me to watch a relationship falter? To watch it fail? I don’t mean from abuse or betrayal, that’s something else entire. No, I mean from missteps, from mistaken interpretation, from inaction, from neglect. Watching it all unfold and being unable to act. Because this is completely personal and I am on the outside. I can’t say something because I am not a good enough friend to say something. But it tears me up to watch it. I want to help. To show them what I see, but I can’t do that without trust. So I’m relegated to a watcher role. Helpless as it falls apart.
I know I’m not great at seeing the same fault lines in my own relationships. But maybe that’s because a little suspicion, in that case, is more destructive than trust. If I trust and it fails then at least I can feel OK that I acted in good faith. If I give in to my more cautious mind, then at the end, I will always second guess that action. That’s a greater burden than the truth.
Maybe that’s why it’s so painful to watch in others. I just want to shake them and say, share what’s in your heart. It may hurt but you’ll rarely feel so hurt that you don’t heal. Doubt and regret are worse than loss.
Is it hopeless?
I can honestly say that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Found them twice in fact. Because there is not just one person in the world whose soul vibrates at the same frequency, there are many. Sometimes you find them and they are ripped away, sometimes they walk away for reasons of their own, and sometimes you’re just in wildly different mental places and it’s doomed. But those are all endings. Endings take care of themselves.
It’s beginnings and middles that are important. Start boldly, love fiercely. Love them with all that you are. As the rush of the new begins to fade embrace the middle, hold on, renewing your love each day. Sometimes each moment. Find that sharp ache in your heart and fan those flames. Kiss them, hold them, touch them. Find something new or a new aspect of them each day. Change for yourself and out of your desire to be better and more for them. Be the best version of yourself. Love can free you to achieve greatness.
If you find love like this, build love like this, then fight for it, fight for them. Never walk away. If they are in darkness be a beacon out of that darkness. Relationships are difficult but the rewards are beyond the pale. Always remember, endings take care of themselves. Your responsibility is the now and immediate future. By all means, make plans. Just be prepared for those moments when plans go awry and improvisation is the only answer.
Love, love with all that you are. All else is foolish without that.
I wonder when you tell me things what you want to hear? My rational mind, my emotional one, or the part that thinks like a feudal lord? I tend to share what my rational mind says. That part of me is good at advice. My emotional mind wants you to say that you are mine and take confidence from that. But I don’t think you want to be anyone’s. So I can’t say that, not and be available to you. And the feudal part? It wants you. That’s it. If someone challenges you or hurts you in any way it wants to confront them until they back down or shred them if they fail to do so.
Sometimes I think you are looking for me to say what my other pieces are thinking. But I’m shit at reading those situations when they effect me. I would say what all three are thinking but I don’t want to push you away. I want you to want all three. I almost said I want you to read this and tell me but I fear what the answer would be and if it’s all the same I’d like to hold on to hope for awhile longer even if it proves false.
Sanity as mainstream society defines it is a useless vestigial tail. Our world’s are increasingly internal and are acted on with others when consensual meaning is required. We must, perforce, define our realities in ways that work with our strengths and account for our flaws. We must then cloak these realities in mirrors so that the society at large looks on us and sees only it’s reflection. In this way, we will be free to persue our own goals and move amongst the less awakened members of our flawed and fallen race with virtual impunity. We must be aware that being caught will result in being ‘helped’. The majority of this help will take the form of tagging us as other, making it harder to blend into the larger society. And actions to convince us that their perceptive reality is the only one, usually through coercive mental conditioning or through so called drug therapy that closes off our access to those senses that allow us to see beyond the reality of the physical.
Just because I can’t sleep, doesn’t mean others can’t sleep. Also known as the 3 AM is a bad time to text people rule.
Stop telling people about your past. It may come from a sincere desire to be honest but their reactions tend to be either overwhelmed or more interested in who you were than who you are now.
Stop being defensive about your age.
That number only grows bigger. And there is nothing you can do about it.
Wait for replies to your texts and emails. Not everyone has your fanatical need to respond to every communication.
Stop worrying when you don’t receive a response, people have lives. And you didn’t ask a question, dumbass.
No matter how deeply you feel or how beautiful your words, you can’t make someone love you. You have a real problem with this one.
Stop posting things at Four in the morning (nope)
Is it weird that when I get put off, not rejected or when my offer is straight declined, my tension ratchets up. I try again or say no problem, let’s reschedule. And each time I either don’t take the hint, or hold the belief that everything is above board.
That belief that everyone is being honest is oddly disjointed to how I normally view the world. My normal world view is that people are fundamentaly selfish and look to their own interests first.
But when I’m interested in someone romantically, I put that aside. I seem to then hold the belief that all parties are working towards the same goal of emotional fulfilment.
Which seems like naivety even to me. But that knowledge doesn’t change how I act. Ever hopeful, naive. I’m made more cautious, only because my style is to be all in from the beginning, and that seems to be scary to people. I would say better to be all in and find out that there is nothing there than to have a relationship starve for its lack.
But from experience I’d say most dip their toe in, get used to that, then more until they are fully immersed. Now being all in doesn’t mean I’m in love. It means that I commit to the relationship. Which seems foreign to the people I date. If you’ve read this blog then you know that I lost someone. And that it’s taken a long time to heal, even to this point.
I mention this because I feel like someone disjointed from the way the world works now. I keep trying to apply what I knew, what worked before and coming up empty.
Is it so scary to want to spend time, to communicate on the regular? Or am I overthinking this? Or misreading the level of interest from my counterparts?
Keep it light, keep it easy seems to be the advice. That is so foreign to me. I’m more intense, like dark chocolate I’m just fumbling about here. Hopefully it’s an interesting read at least.