Thoughts

Boundaries?

PelgrisLeave a comment

Someone I care for has said that I push boundaries. Like it is something that I actively do. My perception is that I know who I am and what I want. I may not know day to day what I’m doing and I get lost all the time but ultimately I have a rock solid idea of where I began and how I got to here. 

 My ideas are evolving. I am evolving and learning. I change as time passes. We all do. I’m just paying close attention and shaping myself as I go. Is that pushing boundaries? 

I think of boundaries as the lines we draw ourselves with. Mine are spokes radiating outward. Ebbing and flowing to encompass new ideas or discarding old ones. Is that pushing boundaries? Or is that, at least for my self, a disregard for the existence of boundaries.

 It’s not like I don’t fear things. And I hate changes I have no influence on. But my self? I think I am not willing to be defined by boundaries. Lines that I won’t cross. There are a few. I have defined those. But they are more broad outlines with escape clauses should it prove necessary. 

 Perhaps I don’t define myself by the boundaries I won’t cross but by the things I will do. Maybe that is the more accurate statement . 

Thoughts on relationship hopes

Pelgris5 Comments

I have two scenarios in mind when I am with someone. There is the ideal. Which is that we are together and spend our lives in the band between content and happy. We express our love out loud and without reservation. We are words and deeds and compromise. I have no illusions that we won’t fight. But I hope we can get through the fights with grace. And find peace and passion in each other. I want the thousand little things that make up a life.

And the second scenario? I hope that we are honest with each other. That we both get what we need, for now. Even if we are not going to be in each other’s lives forever, I hope that we make each other’s lives better while we are. And when it ends I hope we part as friends and not enemies. There is enough pain in endings without adding bitterness and regret.

Truth, too much perhaps

Pelgris3 Comments

If you find that my words are alluring or poetical verse turns your head, then know that I am not trying to seduce, not trying to entice, not trying to deceive. These words and phrases are who I am. My words are not empty, not pretty playthings. They are promises and truths. I say the things I say, always telling you truth. You do make my heart beat faster. I do dream of you. Sometimes it’s sex and sometimes we hold each other but you are in my dreams. My mind and heart have no short term plans. You are not a game I’m playing. You are someone worth being with. Worth valueing, worth seeing for who you are now not for who you were.

Emotional shotgun: caution edition

PelgrisLeave a comment

I had a hope and that’s where it always goes wrong. There’s no reciprocity in hopes. There is only the expression of individual needs. When that begins to encroach on the reality of the situation, perspective is lost. The cycle of doubt and self recrimination begins.

Something my paramour can stop. But only one ever tried. In trying, she was successful. An acknowledgement that I am as broken as anyone. But I’m always the caregiver. The one paying the compliments. The one seeing who they are and can be.

My friends do that for me. But never the people I hold closest to my heart. My friends are close but I am tentative with them. Because, experience has taught me that I will say the wrong thing and not know it. And they will go away. So I am cautious.

Caution is no way to live.

Hints and traces

PelgrisLeave a comment

I wonder who out in the world feels as I do, just waiting for the spark of conversation. The quiet word or glance that says, “You. I see you. You are who I want.”

I feel like I take those tentative first steps often. And where it leads is mostly to friendship. Generally, because I only meet the people my heart desires after they are taken. And that’s OK. I accept what is.

But I want more. Want it all. Even if it is as the 3rd in a poly (not open) relationship. I wonder the path to that. To that extra step.

Why am I the friend and not the lover. Oddly, I almost think it’s because I am emotionally supportive. Maybe. Because why risk losing that on a relationship that might not work out. But, to my mind, why not risk gaining that in a partner.

I’m just a bit lost right now.

On writing: Personal?

PelgrisLeave a comment

I read the blogs of many writers and poets. Some are such better poets and writers than I that I sometimes despair. But let’s set that aside for now.

I see that many will tag a post as personal. Something that makes sense in the abstract but something I don’t, viscerally, understand. Everything I write is personal.

From the poem that asks you to “tell me” to the Erotic Lifestyle journey of Pel and Sara, to even my audio storytelling. I suppose the closest to distance I get is in Split Sky and Torn Asunder. But even there, there are characters and situations that I draw intimately from my experience. Hard as that may be to reconcile.

Maybe that’s just me. Taking the cliche of opening up a vein and pouring it out onto the page too seriously. Or maybe it’s just the way I write characters.

Which is by constructing them from their pasts so that I know who they are and what they want, then follow the steps that they would take given those traits and imperatives. Perhaps it’s inevitable that they would be so intimately connected to me that I can’t help but be personal.

Question

Pelgris1 Comment

I feel I need to ask this question. Anybody can answer and I hope that you do.

How is treating someone with care and compassion, “too sweet”? Specifically the phrase was, “you are too sweet to me”.

I don’t get it. I wasn’t doing anything I would not do for any friend. Maybe I was being a bit romantic about it but not overly so.

Maybe some context?
She had a migraine. She is/was dealing with stress from another serious issue.
She has said she feels safe in my arms.

So, unable to really do anything other than be there for her, I said, “all I can think to do is hold you and let you know that you are safe in my arms.” This isn’t anything extraordinary. That’s just me being, well, me.

So why is that “too sweet to me”?

Introspection: Romantic choices edition

PelgrisLeave a comment

Why do I pick people who are unavailable to fall for? Am I just that blind? Or… Or am I subconsciously picking people who won’t want me or if they do want me, can’t have me because of distance or their present relationship entanglements? If so, what am I afraid of? Rejection maybe? But I get told no all the time. I don’t think that’s it. Or not the larger portion anyway.

I think, on the one hand, I want a passionate emotional relationship but in person I may come off as cold. Controlled. And I am pretty jaded and world weary. So not alot surprises me. Also I find passionate people to be idealistic. I have ideals but I’m ruthless in they’re application and that ruthlessness is at odds with the more nice approach to problems. I think that there are solutions but I see them as generational shifts not something that can, lastingly, be done in the short term.

And I’m sexually adventurous and would like a partner that is open to that. Most of those in my age area are married or with someone. And while I don’t mind being in a consensual polyamoury situation, I have to really like the person to even consider it. And I generally prefer to be the pivot.

And I am also afraid. And I think this is the heart of the matter. I’m afraid I will commit my heart and spirit, time and mind to someone and they will leave me. It seems people are always leaving. They probably have good reasons, for them, but to me it just feel like the place they most want to be is away from me. That is just devastating.

And the more it happens the poorer my judgment gets. All feeding back into poor choices.

Sight of the heart vs physical reality

PelgrisLeave a comment

Sometimes, I am startled by the person I am looking at. Not because they’ve done anything different. No. It’s because I am seeing the physical them. And for a few minutes, I am thrown. Seeing the pure physical aesthetic of someone. Because that is not what my mind is normally showing me.

Normally, I am seeing them as my heart sees them. And yes that is physically different from what just my eyes see. My mind makes a subconscious interpretive choice. It shows me them as it sees them. As years and emotional weight defines them.

It’s like being thrown from a moving car and finding yourself on a movie set. If you are completely in character, there is a moment of frission as your mind sees both realities.

Gifts for no particular reason

PelgrisLeave a comment

I sometimes buy little things that I know that the person I give them to will love. As an expression of my heart. Because my medium is words and everyone is always saying ‘don’t listen to what they say, listen to what they do’. But what I do IS words. So sometimes I buy and give someone I love something to demonstrate, yes I know you. Yes I’m watching. Of course, my words are all around them too but little things to show my presence.