Mind/Heart

I lead with my heart where those I love are concerned. My mind constructs the path but my heart determines it.

For those who aren’t in my heart, I lead with my mind. My mind sets the course and my heart determines how far I am willing to go.

This is my problem with personality tests. Because my actions and choices are relative to both the situation and the people involved. And is informed by the possible outcomes, the benefits and detriments, and the well-being of those involved. Always looking to safeguard those in my heart and be truthful to my self.

I am looking for the correct action. The neccesary step. For myself and for those in my care.

I test as INTJ but depending on questions, also INTP. Am I either of those or some 3rd thing? Or, for someone changing and growing beyond the boundaries of their limits, is such a test reliable or is it merely a tool to determine a starting place for change.

Pointless musing on a midnight clear

So much seems to hinge on circumstance. The turn of a phrase or an action. A misplaced step or a perfectly balanced step. More and more I see the limits of what may be possible as the disadvantage of not being impulsive or not being secure enough financially to take an action or not have enough faith in my abilities to land on my feet. Because, if I did, I would have flown to her when she got hurt. It might not have made a difference but we would know.

Or I would have moved to Texas where, it seems, there is a nexus of my tribe. And that could be a miracle or a folly. But I can’t know at this distance.

Or maybe that’s all delusion and I’m just wonderful words on a screen and in person it would be disaster. But I don’t know, because I can’t think to take any kind of step to bring me to them. Is it prudence or cowardice? Am I so bound in secondary rules that I can’t even go without a strong reason or a invitation?

Or are they just dreams that on seeing we’d all wake up from. I wish I could tell you.

Working

I used to wake up and be excited to go to work. I know, insane right? But it’s true. I used to get up and go to work and I’d solve problems and help people all day. I’d come home tired but happy. The work was always varied and, more importantly, I had the tools and access needed to actually fix things. And, if I couldn’t fix something, there was a team of professionals who had a deeper understanding of the systems who could solve it. At most, it would be a few days. We knew each other and respected each other. Our lives intermingled and we knew each other.

A few years later the group split to better dedicate to specific, complex, and separate projects. I had worked both sides and was working on the complex side because I prefer complexity. Still interesting to go to work but I had little interaction with the professionals with the deeper access. Rifts and rivalries began to form.

A few years go by and it’s decided that what’s needed is a middle team who will work with both teams and bridge the gap. Still ok as I personally knew the people there. They had come from my team. But others did not have the same experience and the gaps were beginning to show. It grew to us vs them. And that’s never a good thing, when all are supposed to be serving the same ends.

A few years later and all of those small personal teams are merged under a shiny new department. And that department is headed by? An outsider who knows no one and regards people as numbers and cogs and has no idea how the company and its services function. You’d think he’d learn and adapt his style to suit the existing environment. Meld two into a more cohesive whole. No. Instead he begins to implement policy that imposes his structure on the existing one. And each step he carries it forward is another step that twists the original teams away from capably serving the companies customers. Treating those customers like a given input rather than a fickle variable.

A few short years later and my boss. A hardworking, caring, professional, and personable man is forced out of his position and moved to a window office. Watching the world go by with no power in preparation of forcing him to retirement. I’d seen exactly this before. This is what the company does to competent troublemakers who have the foresight to tell people that their idea isn’t going to work.

And who should appear but the micromanaging numbers guy. The guy who knows what asses to kiss. The guy who’s all smiles while he’s stabbing you in the back.

And he proceeds to do the same twisting of the section I work for that he did with the other one. And by this time, we have multiple systems that are breaking due to neglect and a new system that was created by people who don’t understand what they were creating or who would be using it or, really, how one complex piece needs to interact with these 10 other complex pieces.

So it’s a shit show. And not the fun kind(if you like that kind of thing). I still like my job. When I’m allowed to do it. But now there’s layers and layers of bullshit to wade through and even then, a simple fix to one table variable can take a week because there is this ignorant bureaucracy between what is needed and what is happening and the ones doing the fixing have never actually used the system. It’s like trying to fix a car when you only work on boats. There is some crossover but not much.

So I wake up and I think, I don’t want to go to work. But, I’m high level by now in a specialized field. I’d have to completely start over. And I’m not sure I want to do that. Or even how to.

The blade cuts thrice

I have no mind to keep my heart silent
It shouts its ebbulation
A bubble filled with joy rolling up my throat
Trapped at vocal chords
You say it’s not time
And in the frenzy of my love
I swallow exhultant shouts
That now sit like lead against the dull thump
Echo ringing in ears
Voice trapped behind teeth
I’ve no mind for these types of games
But I play hoping for a different outcome

The pain sits heavy, however. Drawing tears when all I want is a you that is free. Not this trapped butterfly beating against still drying cacoon. Knowing full well you are mine only for these space of minutes between past and flight. Still, I’d cut you free, if you’d let me.

Me and my damned word. I’ll let you lead and set the pace I promised. Never knowing how cruel I was being to us both
This dance of back and forth. Stepping into one world while trapped in another.
Only you can free us, perhaps you have forgotten
Perhaps I can’t remember
This was a game pushed past boundaries

This heart held heavy in swallowed silence
Watching you wake
Let me speak
‘ere I drown
In silence

Just need some distance

Perhaps I prefer a layer of abstraction to my words because they feel like pins breaking through the veins
poking out at odd angles
painful but embarrassing
painful but then you’ll notice me and hiding is easier when it’s a storm and not me that’s crying

perhaps it’s easier because these words are only sometimes mine and other times are the unbroken scream that lives in my chest and stops just short of my throat because men don’t break down and cry
because everything has to be in control or she might not love me
because sleep eludes me and screams at 3am will bring sirens and questions

Perhaps I just need to be distant because weaing the razorblade straight jacket no longer fits
but its thin slices fit so easily into my scars
who would know the difference

perhaps I’m just tried and tired of being vulnerable and need that distance to lie to myself a little bit longer
a lie I’m not allowed to speak to others so I tell them to myself.

“I am loved” I say when I mean I want to die.
I am loved, when I mean why doesn’t she see me
I am loved when I mean Why can’t I just say what I mean?

Love is my lie, it keeps me going, keeps me moving

Hiding in the cracks of my own abstraction

To linger too long

We all see it looming
The Herald of dawn’s breathe turning
The task undone
The words not spoke
Counterpoint, spoke too much
Our regrets pile on pile
Against Dwindling hopes
Until hope is lost
And only the dull rust of the blade
Thrust haphazard into flesh remains
As well to walk into the sun
Rise or Set
Head high
Choices made
Last turn of the wheel
Made by one’s own hand

The past speaks and shapes

Could be the light but I shine too narrow
only to the few do I burn
all else know me for darkness
bit and piece, all slip shadow
one to hold, one to kiss, one to love
Or arm in arm strike pose
But know me for a thieves lantern
Hooded and focused
Spilling not wide but focused
And each to each
One moment in sorrow and another
Spend joy
Spinning between grace and oblivion
Consumed by swift and sweet
Heart slows
Beats pound and breath comes languid
Hold you tight
But watch you slip free my grasp
These faultlines
Taste terrible freedom
Better to dream
Than live in forever
In your normal life

My call to arms

I’ve heard it said that the benchmark for love is whether or not you would die for someone.

It’s not. Death is Easy. We all do it. It’s going to happen.

No, the benchmark for love is whether or not you will live for someone.
Will you wake each day with the intention that today you will be as good to them as when you were courting. As when you were dating. As when you first saw them blush with their body. As when you first touched and your heart sped up a little.

Love is a emotion, yes. But in a relationship, it’s also a choice. The choice to love completely. To not allow all of the noise and fury of this chaotic, beautiful, mad world we live in, to not allow it to take over and intrude where it is not welcome.

But, people call me crazy for opening my heart so wide. And I won’t pretend that I have not been hurt. But, if I allow that pain to make my choices for me then I am not living. I am hiding.

I choose to not hide. To not be ruled by pain. By fear. I may not always know the way. But I know that love is my guide