Nightmares are also dreams Part 32-Interlude-Pel

Watching my girls play is the best part of my day. I spend time thinking about them. Wondering why I keep working. Why I keep taking ops. Why I keep doing this thing I do?

And then I remember. I remember the faces. The smiles. The jokes. The sorrow filled faces looking back at me, knowing that there isn’t anything left to do but die. My people.

I can lie to myself and pass them off as employees. As people who made choices. But at the end of the day, I’m the one responsible. I took the contract. I sent them into harms way. And I’m the reason they died.

People will say it’s the person who planted the bomb, pulled the trigger, or plunged the blade. And they’re right. They’re right. But it’s not a zero sum equation. And my choices, my intel, my signature on some piece of paper sent them careening into the path of the bullet and nothing I do makes up for that.

But what I can do is take care of their families. Take care of their legacies. And make better decisions in the future. But I can’t do that without money. And I can’t do that without resources. And really, this is the only life I know. So I take my joys where I can.

Take my girls and give them the chance at safety and joy and love. All while I know, my men and women are executing orders and placing themselves one step closer to that final sleep.

Sometimes the responsibility hits you out of nowhere. The crushing weight, briefly unbearable
Until something lifts you up.

Tara’s impish smile and Sara’s brazen grin. And the nods of the guards. Who know what happens when I go too quiet and my gaze slips distant. And remind me, life doesn’t stop. Best get to it.

An I could not endure heaven, I thrived in hell

Hells offer us safety that heavens do not
Life is a ongoing study in the loss of innocence and joy as one peace or another is cut away or slowly ripped out of us. In a hell we know the parameters. There will be horror, there will be pain, there will be fear. And very occasionally, there will be rest. And we will find the steel to endure in those seconds and minutes of peace.

In a heaven, having experienced both loss and being self aware, there is always the wait for the moment when it is ripped away. For the loss of love, joy, and safety.

It becomes that we choose to endure the hell. Because the thought of one more lost heaven destroys us more thoroughly than this endurance of durance vile.

The hearts we seek to mend must first be our own

On some level, I think we are all seeking for that person who will see us and accept us and know us bone deep and still wants to be a part of our lives. We all want to not be alone. And the people who seem to know this, are also the ones who have the hardest time finding someone.

It’s like consciously trying to swim. You paddle your feet, you cup your palms, you move your arms but still, you can’t seem to really swim. Because swimming is a physical, in your body, thing. And you can’t be one hundred percent in your body if you are thinking about how to move it.

And you can’t find that person who connects with you because it’s such a complex thing that you can’t set up a situation or plan a life that leads you there.

You can only be one hundred percent your self. And stop hiding. If you are hiding, you aren’t being.

And I’m aware that sounds like bullshit but give yourself a free pass to not be cynical. Not be practical. Give yourself a free pass to be free for just a minute.

The only thing you can do is be genuine. Let people see you.

I can’t promise you freedom from pain or that some of those people won’t hurt you, won’t use you.
I can only say that when the moment comes and you are hiding, it will be difficult for the person looking to see.

Waking lucid

Sip these last notes
Bitter though they be
Knowing the stanza ends
Knowing the next song you will choose
Knowing the next song you will play
Knowing that these next steps
Next choices will be informed
By what is in your heart now
Not fed out of necessity to keep living
But out of the need to be alive
It takes so long to arrive
So long to become
That when it’s time
Embracing it
Is the hardest thing to do
Fear is a guide
Weighing all consequences and only fear keeps
Then step forth
Embrace the brave heart
Step into a future without the confines of the same

Nightmares are also dreams, part 6: Tara

The heat void left by Pel getting up rouses me from my barely remembered dream of laying next to a fire. I snuggle into his spot. Still warm from him and close to Sara. I feel the soft muscle of Sara’s arm pull me to her, sliding me across silk to nestle close enough to feel her warm breathing tickle my still closed eyelids. I feel her feather touch. Soft fingers spread like a fan, drawing circles around my breast. My eyes open, awake now, and find the deep green of shaded forest staring into mine. I’ve seen this look before, her eyes flashing so deeply with desire they are practically black.

I lean in and devour her soft lips with mine, head tilted to the left. Pressure building to take more of her into my mouth. Tongue sliding over tongue, soft and fierce, fighting for more and more until I feel her hand squeezing and pulling my tit. I break awake, gasping for air. Gobbling breath. Her hand pulses like a heartbeat. I find myself on my back gasping, not sure how I changed positions.

Her nails graze against me sending shivers down spine and her mouth closes over my throat. Lightly biting down, claiming me as hers, her kill. I shudder needing more but she moves so slowly. Lips press their need against my chest and I gasp in surprise when her teeth close over my nipple right as her hand flicks my clit.

I fade out, almost to float, but her fingers plunging inside me shakes me loose. I panic, starting to struggle against her and my eyes fly open.

From the doorway, Pel is watching us. He’s holding two mugs in his hands, not drinking from either. He seems content to watch us forever.

I relax shocked back to reality. My girlfriend and my Sir. I’m safe and that thought gets blasted out of my head. Sara is biting and nibbling and her hand pulses inside me fingers splayed and caressing inside finding spots I never knew were there.

I fall into sensation, eyes closed against any distraction. Each time I feel teeth I whimper as a thumb drags slowly against my clit.

My lungs expand and contract, rough breathe spilling into the air, my body starts shuddering, and then soft waves of gold hammer through and out of me, again and again riding the edge of orgasm.

It’s too much and I can’t think. Lost in the float…

Some minutes later I hear water turning off, when did that happen? Sara is drinking from a cup and offers one to me.

I take the proffered gift and find it contains drinking chocolate. Pel made this…there is cayenne in it. Sara prefers to mix it with cream.

It is delicious but not what I want. I put the mug down on the nightstand with a metallic click.

I burrow beneath the covers and find the prize I’m looking for. The soft blonde sweetness of Sara. It smells of musk and vanilla with a hint of Pel from last night. I play the game Pel taught me. I lick a long slow A against the pussy lips of my…wife.

I’ll say yes. The last time they asked, I wasn’t ready. But yes, they are mine. I won’t give them up. But… Later. Now I need more and the soft moans of Sara whisper our rightness.

Confusion is a base state

I almost wish that my emotions didn’t run so hot.
That they didn’t rush like tsunami. Seemingly dry and nonexistent as the waters pull back, until they rush forward, overwhelming my heart. It seems like I only find those unavailable to me as people who make my heart burst like fire. But it’s not true. It’s just that those who are unavailable are often the only ones who show any interest in me. At least in a way that I recognize as interest. I can be obtuse in this regard.

I don’t know. I dislike not knowing. I love to know everything. How else will I see true if I cannot see all?

I wish I knew. Whatever paths led where. Even in general. Because I can’t trust my judgment. My judgment leads me to love and to breaking.

You know…I didn’t pick Morgan. She picked me.
It makes me wonder. Because every time I trust my judgment, while they don’t destroy me in harder ways, I’m still devastated. When it ends. When it fails.

I don’t know the way forward.

Annual state of progress

We delude ourselves.
We delude ourselves into believing that there is something there when there is no evidence of it. We do this because it’s something we need.

Lately, I’ve been asking the question. Why do I keep falling so deeply into love in these relationships where distance or emotional availability is primarily a problem?

Distance itself makes it hard. Distance means there is no pheromonal interaction. There is no opportunity for oxytocin bonding. Instead, only words, intellect, and small acts are available. And while that may work for a time, it never works long-term.

Put another way, you can’t kiss a video call or make love to a voice. You can only paint the picture and while that can sustain for a time, eventually you need to be in the same room.

I can read more from 5 minutes with someone from body language and tone of voice than I can from a hundred missives.

On the other side, I have intense emotional relationships who, through circumstances or nature are emotionally unavailable to take that next step.
In many ways, those are worse.

Long distance is a dream that I am well aware of the hazards of. But here and still distant?

My heart and mind can’t seem to let go in those instances.

So why do I keep falling for people who can’t or won’t love me. Either because of distance or other factors? Why do I pick people who I can’t have?

Perhaps, I feel like I am unworthy of love, having failed to protect Morgan. Perhaps, if I’m with someone who is a hundred percent in it with me, my imposter syndrome kicks in and I feel like I’m going to fail and let down the person I love and doing so is anathema. And as such it puts such enormous pressure on, that no relationship could withstand it.

I don’t know. That’s where I am in my headspace now. Trying to understand my choices. Because, I can’t change the minds of those I still love but who’ve moved on without me. But I can change my future choices.

Bound and bound

Life is not what we want it to be
But shapes form from what we allow
It’s not our desires and hopes that tell
But actions taken or not taken
Promises kept or broken
We are bound by chains and shackles we forge ourselves
No Jacob Marley or Ebenezer Scrooge
But links of allowance
We allow things to happen
Because it’s easier
Because we are scared
Because it is inconvenient to do something
All the while telling ourselves that it’s not our fault
That there was nothing to be done
Maybe in the moment the choice was limited
But some road not taken
Some throw of the dice not thrown
Or chance leaped to
Some point led to this choice
Sometimes things are truly beyond our control
The gears of chance grinding away
But mostly we have choices to make
Maybe all the choices are bad but we make them
We advance or fall with the steps we choose

Personally, I choose to fall in love. I choose to act with honor. I choose to keep my word when I give it. I choose to act with an eye to the humanity in us all.
I choose to love when it’s probably a bad idea. I’ve chosen other paths and lives and now I choose this one. This painful existence waiting for my friend, my person. Because a future without her would be spent looking over my shoulder at what might have been. And maybe this is the wrong choice. So I try to make one’s that are generally good while I wait and hurt. But in the end, we all must choose for ourselves.

We can help others if they let us. We can live and love with consent. We can do wonderful beautiful things. But what we must not do is create another link, another shackle waiting for things to get better.

Depression is a liar, you are worth more than this

What shadows have wrought can be
Weaved into strength
What pain has bought can be
Turned into beauty
What despair crumbles away
Can be rebuilt

We are none of us so bound by circumstances that we are shackled to what we have now
There are always choices
Hard choices mayhaps
Terrible choices
But always there is a chance
And if help is required or merely desired
Look to those who love you
Who will sacrifice for your joy