Ramblings of a writer

I woke as Anthony and went to sleep as Pelgris. And though seemingly innocuous, I can’t help but think I lost in the process.

Some know my First name because it’s on my short story collection on Amazon. Some because I’ve shared it privately.

Pelgris is a public persona and very much a part of me. But it’s not everything. I hold pieces of myself back that only people who have private contact with me will see. Maybe that’s disingenuous, but I hope not.

But I woke with a hello Anthony in my inbox and went to sleep with a goodnight Pelgris. And it felt like a goodbye.

I’m probably overreacting. But emotions care little for rationality.

In a way, I dislike that my personal life is published. But this is my process and I can’t let something go until it diffuses out.

I hope they see it as I intend it. I am not sharing my feelings directly because my obsession with words should not cause you to rethink how you feel or interact with me.

And frankly, this is what I am. I write. Sometimes poetry, sometimes not, but I write. And to confine myself to public experience is to quash the internal sense that connects us.

Sounds like a excuse for incorrect behavior. I guess I can only say that I try very hard to disguise the who’s from the general public and only those in it will know from context.

And we can always talk, privately.

This went on longer than I thought. The first part is the important bit, the emotional bit. The rest is process. Anthony things rather than than Pelgris things.

Secondary definition 

I say always and
You say That’s sweet
I say always and
You sigh happily
I say always and
You smile and duck your eyes
I say always and
You say I love you
I say always and
You say not ready
I say always and
You say not now
I say always and
You say goodbye
I say always and
There is only silence
I say always

Always wasn’t a promise
Always wasn’t an endearment
Always wasn’t romance

It was a warning
A cry
A bell chiming

It was the deep silence in the winter dawn
It was the quiet hush of a summer afternoon
It was the deep and abiding melancholy of 2am

It was a plea
Of understanding
That some people
Never forget
That there is nothing so fundamentaly luxurious
As the fading light of memory

And here I stand
Saying
Always

Gifts for no particular reason

I sometimes buy little things that I know that the person I give them to will love. As an expression of my heart. Because my medium is words and everyone is always saying ‘don’t listen to what they say, listen to what they do’. But what I do IS words. So sometimes I buy and give someone I love something to demonstrate, yes I know you. Yes I’m watching. Of course, my words are all around them too but little things to show my presence.

Past, Present, and Future

I am very used to referring to Morgan as the love of my life. Even my phone has seen that phrase so often, it predicts that phrasing. I think I need to put that aside. I think I need to say she was my first true love. Because, I am still alive. And it is not fair to anyone I love in the future to feel like they contend with a memory. Because they don’t. I love the people I love for what they are. I don’t compare them to her. I, frankly, don’t understand why I would. They are not her. How could I, in honesty, compare them? If I love you, it’s because I see something in you that is worth the pain, the price I always pay for that love. And I hope, that if you, whomever you are, give me a chance, I hope you will love me as I love you. But, as the song goes, I would never say I love you dear, just to hear you say it back.

Penned in

You’ve missed nothing
There’s nothing here to miss
Just an avalanche of words
Blowing in maelstrom like autumn leaves
Just my truths left on the ground
Trapped by being written
I wish it were otherwise
That your touch on my skin would be physical reality
But no, just this story we play
But no, just a dream

A thing that I say.5

The word honestly is usually used by someone who is about to lie, or at the least, obfuscate the truth of a situation.
This is a problem for me.
I use honestly, often. In the context I use it in, I mean I’m about to scrape out a piece of my innermost thoughts and share it. Which is diametrically opposed to what it normally means. But what am I to do? Give this long explanation before I say my piece? That seems. inelegant.

I guess I could say, “From my heart” or some such but that sounds weak.  The words themselves are soft and present weakness. Whereas the word “honestly” has hard s and t sounds and thus has a emotional weight of authority and strength.