Bound bones to heat
Mind quests out
Knowing she can’t feel my thoughts
Do I speak them?
Or am I lost to dreaming
That hopes be more than wanting
That words be for the speaking
But tongue and hands
They for showing
And know the flames of my heart
The hell of my heart is that even when they walk away
Even if they crush my heart and sprinkle it bloody in the thorns of rosebushes
I still love them
Would still protect them
Even if they hate me
Believing whatever is in their hearts that makes it easy to stay away
My love is my destruction
As ever it was
Down the long skein
From beginning to end
Sometimes, I am startled by the person I am looking at. Not because they’ve done anything different. No. It’s because I am seeing the physical them. And for a few minutes, I am thrown. Seeing the pure physical aesthetic of someone. Because that is not what my mind is normally showing me.
Normally, I am seeing them as my heart sees them. And yes that is physically different from what just my eyes see. My mind makes a subconscious interpretive choice. It shows me them as it sees them. As years and emotional weight defines them.
It’s like being thrown from a moving car and finding yourself on a movie set. If you are completely in character, there is a moment of frission as your mind sees both realities.
If hope were wine then I’d be drunk half the time, but despair is just as kind as wine but with whiskey instead.
Caught betwixt hope and despair, in desire, only for you.
I drink deeply of water and watch my twin demons of hope and despair stagger about. But time is passing without touch or word, and while my mind sits above the fray and understands the why, my heart sits near, in ache and missing you. My heart it yearns, it needs, it desires. Always moving closer to you. My head wants the same but knows why that is not happening, yet.
A slip of
The loss swells to
Soft rise and fall
The corona of the sun
Terminus line in my heart
Demarcation between the shadows of the past and the slim chance at future
always looking into the sun
Spots and after images swimming
but it trained me to see even when the
walls are washed out and I’m blind
It trained me to see with my heart instead of my eyes
My heart whispers to me, “wouldn’t it be amazing if she comes to us today and says ‘I know you have tickets to the Symphony, why didn’t you invite me’
to which we reply ‘You know why. I am in love with you and I can’t be around you without that knowledge. It would be disingenuous of me to ask you to go without you knowing that I want more than just friends. It’s painful to be around you on anything but that. Are you saying you want to explore whether you have or could fall for me?’
then she would say ‘I’m not sure’ uncertainly, and we would reply ‘
what are you not sure of? I can only promise what I did all those months ago. That I will do my level best to not hurt you. That I will always be honest with you. That I will do anything I can to help you in whatever endeavor you choose to give try to. ‘
and she will look at us with hope and say’ that’s what I want’.”
My brain looks at my heart for a long minute as my heart smiles and fidgets with nervous energy. My brain says “Gods love you, that is a beautiful scenario you have there. But you Must know, it’s not going to happen. She doesn’t have the courage to come to us under those circumstances, and she has made it clear as mud that she’s not interested in us in that way.” My heart replies, earnestly, “But it could happen.” To which my brain just shakes his head.
And this is why I wake and my heart hurts. Because it cannot let her go and I love here enough to forgive and move on past nearly anything. It gets easier to bear the pain of not being with her. Of not talking daily, of not being what we were and what we could be. The pain becomes just a part of my daily burden. But my heart still hopes. It is a fool. I’m a fool for having some part of me that thinks this might happen. But that part is beautiful, even if he is a fool.
Why do I want to forgive every imposition, every hurt, every game, every callous disregard that you inflict? I’ve impaled myself on the blade of your attention. This blood trickles out of the wound.
This pain, and I want to snuggle down next to it. Push the blade deeper if it meant being closer to you. I still want to be yours. I don’t think it will ever happen. But my heart is foolish. It can’t see past our love of you.
My compassion sees you in pain and I just want you to not hurt. My heart wants me to sacrifice, to do something. Say something, what will help you. What will heal you. All at odds with my own well being.
But, some small part of my too logical brain, says if we can help you, we should. My romantic heart and mind say that a world where you are happy is better than a world where I am OK and you are sad. And I know that’s destructive, probably much too far. And yet these are my feelings, these are my thoughts.
And I wish I could say this to you and not seem mad or obsessive. And some small part of my heart hopes that if you did know, then the dam would break and you would love me as I love you.
But these are emotions, and if this life has taught me anything, it’s that what we want, what we desire, is rarely what is offered where others are concerned.
So I sit at this crossroads. Blade buried deep in my heart. Knowing I should move on, logically seeing all of the wounds inflicted. But emotionally not capable of it. Pulled back to her and pulled away. Waiting in this purgatory for her to rescue me, or time passing allow my heart to give up and let me move forward.
What tears and mind do portend
What shallow reckoning
With speed of sorrow do forfend
This essence flickering
As the candle gutters out
Of your guiless sibilance
Do memories of love show rout
False flag fails fair remembrance
Romance dies ere it lived
A tragedy looking back
But heart still loves, still yearns, still bled
So mind must follow though it knows better than to chase it’s lack
Oh, silly heart, with rhyme you seek but Piercing veil with naught to speak
She doesn’t see you, doesn’t want you
It’s time to walk away
Oh troubled heart
Find love in wings and lies
But spare the song
Loneliness gives counsel most unwise
It drinks from Hope’s well
And says give voice
But experience speaks
Though it sees the road ahead
In treachery born, line by line
It plays the innocent
Oh troubled heart
Cast not your action to inaction
But step forth slowly
The path is long and treacherous
But all journeys worth the pain are