I find myself in vulnerable moments
Cut open and flayed
Words which seem true
My heart broken
Believing and not believing
Wondering if what
My brain says is true
Possessed with faith in Intuition
Faith in feeling
Faith in perception
To have that scalpel turned inwards
How could I know?
When the lines blur
When I am not strength
Just another person
Wishing to be whole
But what would that even look like
Mind switching gears from outside stimulation
Just one more thing
I look at the wind blowing leaves across the ground
Caught in the quiet seconds of beauty
Noting the fluid interplay between strength and seemingly passive forces
Thermals pushing up against the air
The fluid aerodynamics of the push and pull
The sound of flutter and howl of deep wind
These alone moments
Where despair and epiphany take root
Heartbeat sounds heavy
In these long moments
Facing across the chasm of distance
And the hope of soon
I’m awake and ready
Hands are steady
But what propels me forward isn’t ambition
It’s the thought of a day without
Can’t quite stomach not seeing in fleeting glances
Words and whispers
Laughter when she reads a missive
So free to be herself
Waking in realization
This path of the broken
Leading my hands
To learn harsher lessons
About what I want and what is worth sacrificing
Making and meshing
Not the temptation but the tempting
Calling me to actions
Pulling me unrelenting
To a casual touch
Out of sight
Talk six days a week
But time outside is limited
She turns into a pumpkin at midnight
I love Halloween
Learning the rules and hard limits
But relationships are
And if you think otherwise
You ain’t been paying attention
Just pouring out
But I feel the almost closed sluice
Just a little afraid
Not back from her
But back from me
Words trapped behind my tongue
I sound like a gibbering idiot once I get that far
When a bare handful of words substitute for the norm
Long rambling replaced and content without context
Lines and veins pulse
Pulling me back to bodies
Stopped wanting futures
It’s all too up in the air
Speaking all my truths
Even the embarrassing of plans
I failed to execute
Because the reality was more needed
Than the fantasy scenario
No bones to pick clean
Searching for meaning
Just ask the question
Fear eats you up
And it lies
Pains fade as understanding rises
Understanding brings revelation
Revelation brings insight
Insight breeds interpretation
Interpretation plants doubts
Doubts burst forth in infection
Infection spreads to overthinking
Overthinking runs wildfire
Deprived of fuel, wildfire fades
Leaving only pain and uncertainty
Pain fades as understanding rises
I am trying for the opportunity
The opportunity to stand by you. To work with you and help elevate you. The opportunity to hold you and keep the demons who would harm you at bay and the opportunity to scold your demons who lie and sow confusion. The opportunity to throw open and embrace all of the parts of you and show you the way back out of the darkness of those desires.
I want to give you the best and worst parts of me because I aim to give you truth and I can’t do that by hiding my faults. I want to watch your smile flower and never leave you. I want to show you how wrong those who’ve hurt you were. Even though I know you know that they were wrong I want to help you heal those deep parts that still don’t believe it. I want to walk in the sunlight without fear. Your hand in mine, eyes held high, daring the world to say something. I want you to meet my friends and see them roll their eyes at how cute we are together. I want you to meet my family and cringe as they say the stupid shit I know they’ll say. I want you to never have to guess what I’m feeling. I want you to never have to endure silence. I want to hear your voice every day. I want to hear you laugh all the time. I want all of the private things you think and want in your mind and heart to be the the words in my ear that gets you those things. Pain, orders, stability, sex. The sure and absolute place in my heart and world that never waivers. I aim to be yours. Forever. I’m working towards that. Things are weird, things are hard. There is confusion. But never waiver, never doubt that by your side, on your side, I will always be. Whatever happens.
If I’m confident in a situation then I’m utterly comfortable and I will be kind and playful. Loving and caring.
If I encounter something I don’t understand or something I hadn’t foreseen, I will go completely analytical. I will ask questions that will make me seem like I’m being oblivious. I will try to hash out my own feelings and fears because I don’t understand what is happening, not in the moment.
I think it’s probable that I don’t have a high EQ. Just that I’ve encountered many prior situations and I’ve already worked the scenarios and I have contingency behaviors for my contingency behaviors. Which may make me seem weird right? I see that. What I am is a INTJ that is sufficiently self aware that I know why and what I’m doing.
Not that it helps me much in the moment.
I have to have things explained to me. Once I know then I’ll start looking for the situations and try to have plans in place to handle things. And I’ll try to not make the same mistake. But I’ll make others.
Contingency planning only goes so far.
I’m in a position now where I want so much to be holding in my arms the ones that I love. But I know that is either a distant future or a impossibility and I have to deal with that.
In a way it’s like a breakup but without the constant questioning and self recriminations. In this case I know the reasons. I just lament them.
Right now, I’m sad often and I don’t want to be but I also don’t know how to stop it my self.
I’ve been incredibly lucky to meet extraordinary people through my blog and though some hurt me, I still feel incredibly fortunate to have the chance to be with people who meet my mind first rather than the crucible of a dating site or a munch or something. Because, I’m not great at those.
Let’s be clear. I’m weird. I have odd notions and hobbies. I have strange views and see things differently. What the majority find interesting, I find mostly a nuisance. I point this out, not to set myself apart, but to demonstrate that I feel as if I’m a outsider.
When you add in BDSM and a preference for strong submissives, I find I’ve narrowed my interests perhaps too narrowly.
I’d love to say that such a narrow focus means that I find my way clear but really I’m all a muddle.
I scare people away because I’m intense and always seek clarity. Not because I am meek but because I can have a effect where I bowl someone over.
But then I just melt if someone says, “Yes, Sir,” and means it.
I don’t know where forward is. Or if I need to heal first. Or if I just need someone I love to look me in the eyes and say “Yes, I choose you” and mean it down to their bones.
Sometimes, I am startled by the person I am looking at. Not because they’ve done anything different. No. It’s because I am seeing the physical them. And for a few minutes, I am thrown. Seeing the pure physical aesthetic of someone. Because that is not what my mind is normally showing me.
Normally, I am seeing them as my heart sees them. And yes that is physically different from what just my eyes see. My mind makes a subconscious interpretive choice. It shows me them as it sees them. As years and emotional weight defines them.
It’s like being thrown from a moving car and finding yourself on a movie set. If you are completely in character, there is a moment of frission as your mind sees both realities.
I will sometimes fumble a situation pretty badly and I can’t help myself and I’ll try to right the ship until I realize that I’m doing more damage than good. But that urge to keep going back and trying to fix it.
Even in those instances where it’s just my screwy brain giving me mixed signals. Because I think logically but guided by emotion. It’s a pretty delicate balance and when something goes twisty you’ll see an emotional shotgun post. But when the twisty involves someone I care for, In this case the goddess of my heart, it looks like uncertainty and chaos. With corrections and communications until I see what’s happening and apologize and back away. I don’t know what that looks like from her side. I hope its not too off-putting.
It is a two sided coin though. I can see when it’s happening with others and be their support until they are out of the woods.
I guess I just needed to talk it out. Thanks for reading.