I am trying for the opportunity
The opportunity to stand by you. To work with you and help elevate you. The opportunity to hold you and keep the demons who would harm you at bay and the opportunity to scold your demons who lie and sow confusion. The opportunity to throw open and embrace all of the parts of you and show you the way back out of the darkness of those desires.
I want to give you the best and worst parts of me because I aim to give you truth and I can’t do that by hiding my faults. I want to watch your smile flower and never leave you. I want to show you how wrong those who’ve hurt you were. Even though I know you know that they were wrong I want to help you heal those deep parts that still don’t believe it. I want to walk in the sunlight without fear. Your hand in mine, eyes held high, daring the world to say something. I want you to meet my friends and see them roll their eyes at how cute we are together. I want you to meet my family and cringe as they say the stupid shit I know they’ll say. I want you to never have to guess what I’m feeling. I want you to never have to endure silence. I want to hear your voice every day. I want to hear you laugh all the time. I want all of the private things you think and want in your mind and heart to be the the words in my ear that gets you those things. Pain, orders, stability, sex. The sure and absolute place in my heart and world that never waivers. I aim to be yours. Forever. I’m working towards that. Things are weird, things are hard. There is confusion. But never waiver, never doubt that by your side, on your side, I will always be. Whatever happens.
If I’m confident in a situation then I’m utterly comfortable and I will be kind and playful. Loving and caring.
If I encounter something I don’t understand or something I hadn’t foreseen, I will go completely analytical. I will ask questions that will make me seem like I’m being oblivious. I will try to hash out my own feelings and fears because I don’t understand what is happening, not in the moment.
I think it’s probable that I don’t have a high EQ. Just that I’ve encountered many prior situations and I’ve already worked the scenarios and I have contingency behaviors for my contingency behaviors. Which may make me seem weird right? I see that. What I am is a INTJ that is sufficiently self aware that I know why and what I’m doing.
Not that it helps me much in the moment.
I have to have things explained to me. Once I know then I’ll start looking for the situations and try to have plans in place to handle things. And I’ll try to not make the same mistake. But I’ll make others.
Contingency planning only goes so far.
I’m in a position now where I want so much to be holding in my arms the ones that I love. But I know that is either a distant future or a impossibility and I have to deal with that.
In a way it’s like a breakup but without the constant questioning and self recriminations. In this case I know the reasons. I just lament them.
Right now, I’m sad often and I don’t want to be but I also don’t know how to stop it my self.
I’ve been incredibly lucky to meet extraordinary people through my blog and though some hurt me, I still feel incredibly fortunate to have the chance to be with people who meet my mind first rather than the crucible of a dating site or a munch or something. Because, I’m not great at those.
Let’s be clear. I’m weird. I have odd notions and hobbies. I have strange views and see things differently. What the majority find interesting, I find mostly a nuisance. I point this out, not to set myself apart, but to demonstrate that I feel as if I’m a outsider.
When you add in BDSM and a preference for strong submissives, I find I’ve narrowed my interests perhaps too narrowly.
I’d love to say that such a narrow focus means that I find my way clear but really I’m all a muddle.
I scare people away because I’m intense and always seek clarity. Not because I am meek but because I can have a effect where I bowl someone over.
But then I just melt if someone says, “Yes, Sir,” and means it.
I don’t know where forward is. Or if I need to heal first. Or if I just need someone I love to look me in the eyes and say “Yes, I choose you” and mean it down to their bones.
Sometimes, I am startled by the person I am looking at. Not because they’ve done anything different. No. It’s because I am seeing the physical them. And for a few minutes, I am thrown. Seeing the pure physical aesthetic of someone. Because that is not what my mind is normally showing me.
Normally, I am seeing them as my heart sees them. And yes that is physically different from what just my eyes see. My mind makes a subconscious interpretive choice. It shows me them as it sees them. As years and emotional weight defines them.
It’s like being thrown from a moving car and finding yourself on a movie set. If you are completely in character, there is a moment of frission as your mind sees both realities.
I will sometimes fumble a situation pretty badly and I can’t help myself and I’ll try to right the ship until I realize that I’m doing more damage than good. But that urge to keep going back and trying to fix it.
Even in those instances where it’s just my screwy brain giving me mixed signals. Because I think logically but guided by emotion. It’s a pretty delicate balance and when something goes twisty you’ll see an emotional shotgun post. But when the twisty involves someone I care for, In this case the goddess of my heart, it looks like uncertainty and chaos. With corrections and communications until I see what’s happening and apologize and back away. I don’t know what that looks like from her side. I hope its not too off-putting.
It is a two sided coin though. I can see when it’s happening with others and be their support until they are out of the woods.
I guess I just needed to talk it out. Thanks for reading.
I know what I want, say what I mean and try not to play games. But game playing seems to be expected, and if I like the person enough, I’ll play. For a time. But there comes a point where I am ready to stop playing and that’s the point where many of my relationships end. Either because they only liked the game and not me or they think that me stopping the tilt-o-whirl is another game.
I say that after the fact in some cases because often I’m not playing a game. I’m going after you hard because I’m interested in you. And if you give what you think are signals, well that’s too bad. If you want to be kissed, ask or kiss me. Consent weighs so heavy in my mind that unless you say you want something I’m unlikely to make a move that isn’t slow or cautious.
Past basic flirting, I’m not playing, I’m in earnest. But because consent is so important maybe it comes off as game playing? I am very up front about who I am, what I like, how important consent is. Does my honesty play out as another game?
Last thing, my brain does not operate on the premise that sex is the goal. I’ve…grown jaded with that. Some see getting people to fuck you as power. I prefer the more equitable exchange that BDSM provides. And sex as pleasure just leaves me feeling empty after, not during. But there is so much more after than during.
My brain operates on the premise that real emotional connection is the goal. What I call love. I say “I call” because I have the sneaking suspicion that what I call/think of as love is different than how others view it. For me, it is devotion and loyalty. Affection and lust, for your mind as well as your physicality. Seeing your flaws and loving you despite. Who you are, everything that makes you, you. That’s how I love. And, critically, I don’t demand that we be the totality of each other’s worlds. I think, perhaps, the fierceness with which I love is confused with obsession or controlling. It’s not. I’m passionate, thats true. I want a partnership, that’s also true. In a open or poly relationship I want to be a primary, but that’s the extent of the possessiveness. Maybe that throws people for a loop? I can’t know.