How I Brain

I suffer from a malady called situational logic.
Meaning that while prior actions or states may inform present actions or states, I don’t act or think as if those prior actions or states are a fiat accompli. Meaning that each situation must be weighed and judged, and then action taken based on the necessity of the moment. Though, if time permits, with an eye towards the future.

I know it may sound like how everyone acts. But do you? If someone has wronged you in the past are you thinking that they will act in the same way and avoid the encounter or act with hostility?

Because, I don’t. I account for the possible betrayal and color my actions to make use of both past data and current information. Then I take the action that I think will most mitigate the possibility of betrayal coupled with the most beneficial path forward. Even if that means working with that person as if nothing happened in the past.

And what does that mean when making judgments based on larger entities? It means that while I see the larger actions as a body, that individual actions must be assessed and acted upon by information on the individual level while being aware of the possible consequences of the individual actions.

Meaning that my method is based in logic but heavily reliant on intuition for live situations. “Intuition being the ability to discern fact from the vapor of nuance.” paraphrase (Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash)

One night only

When trying to sleep I try everything
I try going to sleep at the same time
Having a drink
Not having a drink
Exercise
I’ve tried taking a shower immediately before bed
Tried reading in my office chair for so long I’m actively losing time
Tried watching TV
Tried listening to music
Cover on/cover off

Everything I’ve tried all gives me, at most, one nights rest
I keep changing things because sometimes one change works
But the only thing that consistently works is knowing that when I wake up
The person I love is gonna be beside me
Not every time
But a good 70% of the time
Or even that when I wake, very soon I will see them
I guess it makes me feel safe
A thought that actually makes me cry
And I don’t know why
Just that safe isn’t something I feel very often
Emotionally safe and maybe a bit physically safe
I miss that
Sleeping is one of the prime factors for keeping my depression away
But I guess,
I’ll try something new
It can be my world premiere
Exclusive event

The flensing knife turns inward

I’ve been creatively burnt out for the last few weeks. It’s not entirely anything to do with the big things like work or relationships. It’s the little things that I have let eat away at my free time. Leaving me with no time to sit and be. No time to experience the world as time slips away.

Being so busy that any time…and here I have to stop and redirect because work crept in. Because it’s gotten to be insidious. It slips into any crack which if I turn it off, it becomes that I was unreachable and that is the issue.

Which is why I am writing this at 4am.

In alot of ways work is better, my relationship is better but my friendships and my writing and my actual life seems to have all suffered.

I have never been one to strike a balance. I throw myself completely into things. And that passion sees me through but it also breaks me.

It’s the inevitable, inexorable schism between what is needful and what is best. And much as I thrive in the situation where the world is burning and every action I make can turn the rudder, eventually…the boat sinks and the drowning begins.

And I am oh so weary of dying by inches in that way.
Something has to happen. And I don’t know if I have the mental fortitude to make the life choices required.

It seems like I was so much happier when I was a villain. But maybe it was just that I was young and didn’t see the terminus. The inevitability of less ahead than behind.

The ache of feet masks the pain of desire

Words fail and falter
When alls said and done
Silence stretches out
Unwanted attenuation
Devour more and more
Each step towards home
Narrows the possible futures
Collapsed waveform
Looking for that one more moment
One more perfection
One more leap made
From the nebulous possible
To the simple completeness
Tired mind
Sifting through
One more word
Framework for a future?

Nightmares are also dreams Part 23

Some heavens are found when we give in to our desires.

I’ve tried to make this day about control and the measured step by step of needs building until the pressure itself became an agony. It would have been a masterwork. But watching my Tara play with my Sara…the gentle torture of pleasures inflicted.

The soft kisses and gentle caress of fingertips. The sounds of bodies moving against each other and soft silk. The smell of sweat. Musk saturating the cool afternoon. Faint but detectable, for one whose smelled this heady mixture before.

I sit saddle style against the chair I brought for Tara. Arms resting on the chair back. Soft smile tugging mouth upward.

I don’t know if I’m the one who is changing or we are all growing together. I wonder if my current line of work, taking me away from cold planning and corporate maneuvering, and back into the field…if somehow with my blood lust sated, I want only gentle things.

I look up from my minds wander to see Sara looking at me, her blindfold discarded in the tumult. I see her. And know that pleasure is never enough for her. And seeing her see me, my fire wakes from dormancy. She kindles my flame as she ever has. And in our shared fire, my mind tracks to the sound of ragged gasping.

While others might take the sight of two beautiful women making love to be enough for desire…I know something so simple and without that black edge of control and pain, will never be enough. Not for me. Not for Sara.

And while Tara is made of gentler things, still, her joy on my leash…she has a place with us. Her fox to our wolves.

“Tara,” I say, “get up please. It is time for me to play.”

Nightmares are also dreams Part 21-Pel

I watched from the archway. Sunlight through the gauze day curtains soaking into hardwood and emitting the soft glow of reflection. Tara, all tall and wearing her scars inside her, drew her nude body down onto the silk sheets. Her eyes lost for a moment while she ran her hand against the silk. Lost in sensuality or memory for a moment. She reaches for Mr. Fox. A two foot long anthropomorphic fox dressed in overalls, soft faux fur covering plush. Huggable and squishable.

Tara teases Mr. Fox along Sara’s body. And I’m lost in the sensuality of it. Yet this is in direct contradiction of my order. And still I find myself unwilling to break the tableau. Unwilling to reassert my will. The thought of Tara, blood spattered and shell shocked from earlier, pauses in my mind.

Does she try to find control in the act of sensuality. In knowing she has nothing to fear from Sara. Especially in the coiled serpent of the hind brain which sees prey tied down and helpless. However, false the image is. Quick release cuffs and desire are all that hold Sara to the bed.

Did she make the conscious decision to act counter to order or is this impulse? In a way, it is irrelevant. At some future point, I will need to punish her for it. Not what she does but that she failed to ask permission to do it. I’ll keep it in the back of my mind but I won’t be using it today.

She acted in accordance with her rage earlier and she finds herself empty now. And wants to fill that hole with love and comfort. I know that feeling. And I want to encourage her to indulge in this appropriate space.

Despite what is often portrayed, being a Master is not about the scene. Scenes are negotiated ahead of time.

Being a Master is seeing what occurs and acting in accordance with the spirit of the rules you’ve laid out. It’s holding your submissives in your heart and always acting from a place of love.

This infraction by Tara will result in something small like a extension of a time out when she does something else which is a infraction. Something which hurts the dynamic or is an obvious bid for punishment.

Had Sara done the same thing, I would know that the punishment she would incur would have been a part of why she did it. And I would indulge her in something brutal and creative. Because, for her, this is the dynamic we’ve agreed upon.

Some may argue that I am too much in my head on these things. Or complain that I don’t adhere to a single rule set. But really, it’s all about taking care of my loves in the ways that they desire and need.

There are shadows in the world and I am one of them

Only in the places between do I feel comfortable
Not quite city
Not quite wilderness
Not yet night
Not yet dawn
Stuck in a moment of transition
Changing
Re forming
Again and again
Putting the pieces back together in new configurations
Hoping each time
To find myself
In that easy camaraderie
That fierce ease
That kiss of proclamation
Not just that you are mine but that I am yours
Dash and damn consequences or barriers
To choose
To step fully into light or darkness
But here I am
On the periphery
Not by my choice
But
Perhaps
By my hand

What was is lost, what will be is unknown

We were all unbroken once
All dancing our way through lives without fear

Maybe I’ll break enough to be powder
And I’ll know what it is to be again unbroken
Different pieces suffused into a whole
Strong again

No longer sifting bloody hands through broken glass
Trying to get enough pieces to put back together
But whole
As this new thing

No longer trying to get back to a was
Seeing what is
And accepting a way forward
As this
My new self

When is a decision not and instead a cell, open door afraid to walk through

Mind tendrils reaching out
Never quite touching the ones I’ve loved
Words caught in throat
Thinking not to impose
Not to make known
Thoughts always seeking
Touching
Seeing
Still there?
Still living
Never cared for the holidays
Feeling hypocritical asking how you spent it
As if those minutes of minutia excuse the month or more of silence
Time stretches
Stories left untold
Wishing even the scritch of the pen would come
When sound catches throat
But even there
The hesitation grows

Wanting to say
I love you
Not that it matters
Stretching out just to say hi
But failing
Happy Thanksgiving?
No
Cast instead
Voice to the ether
That it be just as lost as I

Aimless contemplation

I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken