Afraid to speak, afraid to not speak
Just a step away from joy
Just a step away from despair
Existing halfway between heaven and hell
Reaching out to truth
Stretching to the infinite
But infinity is not you
And you
Are all that I want
Month: May 2016
Song on repeat
I can’t get this song out of my head. I woke up with it repeating in my skull. And it’s been a couple of weeks since I last heard it.
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Every moment of every day
desire for you consumes,
a flame bitter and cold,
need raging across nerve endings,
need for your touch, your voice, your words,
crawl to me,
rest your head on my thigh,
taste your mouth,
teasing your body,
looking into your eyes, kindling flame,
in pleasures ragged and painful, hold you to me,
my hands and tongue exploring every inch,
knowing and needing,
your soft whimpers,
the feel of your body around mine,
tight with desire,
scream startling neighbors,
make you mine,
again and again until we dissolve in pools of sweat,
never stop making love to you, even when our bodies fail us,
whisper my desires, future plans,
taut with greed for you,
all that you are,
there is nothing of you I do not worship,
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Down the well
Dreams are failing, faltering, falling away
They’re all leaving, finding new dreams and leaving me behind. I’m the starter friend, the starter lover, the too small house remembered but alone. If hope abandons me as well, perhaps it’s time to go.
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-ing
I’ve been looking for wanting
And finding not having
Until needing gave way to reading
Then finding became looking
And looking became thinking
Then thinking became flirting
And flirting became you
What I was looking for was replaced by who you are
Because who you are is what I want but can’t have
Not completely
Though in places it could be argued I get all of you
But I’m always waiting
Always wanting
Spinning fantasies, hoping they spin you round
All my yearning
All my needing is replaced by the thought of you in my arms
I only contemplate the futures with you in them
In whatever form that you allow that to take
Because having searched for so long
There is no destination without you
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A year is long enough for perspective
You said you were fighting not to love me, as if this were some kind of compliment. How was I to feel when told that given the choice to fall and trust that I would catch you, keep you safe, you chose to stay on the ledge as I hurtled by? How was I to feel when told you did not trust me enough to allow yourself the chance to fall in love with me?
And here I am left in the desolation, just one more fool who fell in love, one more fool who having fell will remember you forever.
One more image, one more weight that will never leave my shoulders, one more cut branch on a ever-branching future, one more scar upon my heart.
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Karaoke
Spinning notes hung in vibrant
Illumination
drink the poison to be free
one last note of the symphony
denote the heart and it’s losses
pitched down into the dust
flat and empty
but rise and gain color
live a life extra ordinary
or choose to not be judged,
a voice is no place for lovers
but love gives voice and winds give solace
as the turning world bounces the hiss and pop
experience no crescendo
no tinkling rush
hurtle forward to the bridge
throwing our locks away
or
hand each other the keys
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A flare
I have you, my miss
For as long as you want me
I am yours, your Sir
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Five minutes ago
3 hours ago
You were crying
2 hours ago
I was concerned
One hour ago
We started talking
Fifty five minutes ago
I held you
Fifty minutes ago
I kissed away your tears
Fourty five minutes ago
You laughed
Fourty minutes ago
I grinned
Thirty five minutes ago
I reiterated my heart
Thirty minutes ago
You demurred
Twenty five minutes ago
I insisted
Twenty minutes ago
You accepted my words shyly, as you have before
Fifteen minutes ago
My friends smiled benevolently as I lost the thread of conversation, thinking of you
Ten minutes ago
I lifted your eyes to mine in fierce possession
Five minutes ago
I learned why you were crying
……….
……….
……….
……….
I spout neutral words
My world is blown apart like a sand castle on Omaha beach
I need to hold you, to tell you everything will be ok
I can’t bring myself to
Everything is different now
This physical and emotional distance
There is nothing I can do but support you
As you make a decision that effects every future
I’m paralyzed between hearts need to insist that you are mine and as long as that is even the tiniest bit true everything will be fine
between my minds insistence that this precarious place I occupied will be pushed aside if not out completely
between my magical selfs seeing of all the branching future’s and the truncated lines
between my empaths need to support your emotional needs
between, between, between
And if this is what I’m feeling, then what must the maelstrom of your heart and mind be
I wish it were as simple as me being your safe harbour
the insistence,
the need for nothing to change
Simple illusion as everything does
…..
…..
but I’ll hold here, I will never walk away from you
hopefully I’ll have words to say
hopefully I’ll know what to say
hopefully
Hope
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The term ‘Bae’
I don’t understand it. I get that it’s an acronym, but it’s used in ways that what it supposedly stands for is inaccurate. Supposedly stands for “before anyone else” or as a illiterate misspelling of baby. But the term seems to be used in contexts where it means “Beautiful as ever or everything”. As in he/she/it is so bae.
If it means the former, then I can only shrug my shoulders and say try to use a more meaningful term when describing those who are attractive or you have an emotional attachment to. Breathe costs nothing, and the right words at the right time could mean everything.
If it means the latter, then I take issue. Beautiful is not a term that should be used in every context to describe merely liking something. Beautiful means that this person/experience/thing has struck a resonating counterpoint in your soul, deep in your mind, in your heart. To reduce this to a acronym that is contextually used for like is blasphemy.
Or maybe it is used to describe beautiful but it feels like a cop-out. That by substituting a nonsense phrase you pull the teeth from the word instead of basking in the full words emotional context.
Each word has weight, has spin, has emotional context. To ignore that for cute, for simplicity, for expediency, is a foolish corruption of language. Perhaps this is an English speakers conceit. After all, this is a language that routinely mugs other languages and goes through their pockets for loose verbs.
As such it is always growing, evolving, changing. It has no set rules that are consistent. And as such we must be careful with how we manipulate the language. Maybe this is a rant only a poet or writer would care about. All I know is it was something I felt compelled to write at Three AM.
Pelgris 