I have many geek friends and I get asked the question, “If you could have a super power what would it be?”
I usually say teleportation, because who wouldn’t want to be able to just go anywhere whenever. But, I was thinking and I think I want this one more, it’s nontraditional but then, so am I.
I think I want to be able to see an aura around the people who are interested in being with me. Obviously, there would be fluctuations but when I reveal things that matter and you no longer are interested, at least then I’d know. And I’d be able to ask out people without first telling myself that they are going to say no, so in asking, you will have lost nothing. The calculus of being single.
I am tough to be in a romantic relationship with, I think. If I know where I stand, have affection from my partner, and we have communication every day then I’m OK. Probably even good. On some days great.
But if I don’t know where I stand, then I’m always seeking information to get to that information. Which means weird questions and anxiety.
If we don’t communicate every day for more than a single exchange, I begin to accrue anxiety and eventually spiral into a full blown spinout and possible depression.
Cold language or cold treatment can seem to be lack of affection. And it almost always means there is a problem. Maybe not with the relationship but with life or whatever.
This leads me to believe that I am not trusted. And cue eventual anxiety and depression.
I feel like this makes me high maintenance. Or be perceived as high maintenance.
Anxiety and depression reactions are not ideal consequences but they are things that can be alleviated by my partner just being there. In that state I don’t need solutions, I just need presence.
Those things seem like things things anyone would want?
Am I asking for too much?
Those seem like normal things to want.
I have words I want to say
Words of beauty
Words of love
But I want to say them where you are
I want your ears to hear them
I want you to know that I would never harm you
That I don’t leave unless you make me
I’m only uncertain when you don’t know what you want
Tell me I’m yours and I’ll drain oceans
Let all who would hurt you know that they’d be dealing with me as well
I sing silly songs and dance with abandon which is not to say grace, but with joy
I’m looking for you, looking wherever, but make it easy… Look for me too, find me too
Let’s find each other
I didn’t used to be this person. This person who has this anxiety everytime someone I love even the littlest bit draws away from me. Rationally, they have valid logical and emotional reasons. I understand them and accept them. But it still leaves me with this crushing sense of failure and fear. This thought that I could have said something or did something and that would have made the difference. The thought that I held something back or said too much and that’s why it was so easy(in my mind) for them to walk away. I keep trying and failing and trying and failing. And even when it’s not over, just in a holding pattern, there is this crushed heart feeling. This immense weight and pain that just goes on and on. It gets better. It goes away. Usually just in time for another relationship to start.
The pain is mostly my fault. I fall in love so easily. I see some shining beautiful piece of personality and I fall a little bit. Like holding on to a rope and slipping a bit down it. Scary and exhilarating. And we start the dance and I fall deeper and deeper until, when it ends, I am so deep in, I cannot see the night sky.
I’m staring at a blank screen, starting then stopping, erasing and trying to find words to describe this whirlwind of I don’t know and how to proceed and what am I doing and it’ll all be worth it and am I failing and not getting there and waking up early and she tells me I push and they say that I don’t and I am confused and I am certain and I want to move forward and I don’t know what forward is and it’s either falling apart or coming together and I can’t tell which and I am always strong but I’m not always strength and I seem silent but I need to speak and I don’t have any answers to the questions I ask and I’m waiting and I am impatient and I want the truth and I can’t seem to find it and I break but I’m not broken and I give in to my emotions and I can’t know what is the right time and I am embarrassed by things I can’t change and I hear Sir and I need it and all of this incoherence as I stare at the blank screen
Ropey muscles unspooled from the heart like a cat’s cradle
this pain seesawing between obliteration and oblivious
my mind following its well worn path to you
blocked by uncertainty,
while I await a verdict or a verb,
That voice, that twitch, that used to mean
that touch, that breathe, that shiver
that loss, that reaching, that overcorrection
that sobbing, that endless search for traction, that waiting
that tired, that sleep, that waking
that sob, that long look back, that hope