meandering

Pressing juice from a stone

PelgrisLeave a comment

I’m awake and ready
Hands are steady
But what propels me forward isn’t ambition
It’s the thought of a day without
Can’t quite stomach not seeing in fleeting glances
Words and whispers
Laughter when she reads a missive
So free to be herself
Waking in realization
This path of the broken
Leading my hands
To learn harsher lessons
About what I want and what is worth sacrificing
Making and meshing
Not the temptation but the tempting
Calling me to actions
Pulling me unrelenting
To a casual touch
Out of sight
Talk six days a week
But time outside is limited
She turns into a pumpkin at midnight
That’s cool
I love Halloween
Learning the rules and hard limits
It’s complicated
But relationships are
And if you think otherwise
You ain’t been paying attention
Just pouring out
But I feel the almost closed sluice
Holding back
Just a little afraid
Not back from her
But back from me
Words trapped behind my tongue
I sound like a gibbering idiot once I get that far
When a bare handful of words substitute for the norm
Long rambling replaced and content without context
Lines and veins pulse
Pulling me back to bodies
Stopped wanting futures
It’s all too up in the air
Today
Tomorrow
A laugh
A sorrow
Kisses sustain
Speaking all my truths
Even the embarrassing of plans
I failed to execute
Because the reality was more needed
Than the fantasy scenario
No bones to pick clean
Searching for meaning
Just ask the question
Fear eats you up
And it lies
It lies

Getting ready for work in the too quiet

Pelgris5 Comments

I retreat from the world into sleep every time I feel that liar in my head telling me that I’m not worth the relationships I have. That it’s no wonder that I’m alone. This litany of, I want to say lies, but I’m in it right now and I can’t say whether or not there is some truth to it. I mean I feel the weight of it. How could the people I lean on not feel that weight? And they have their own worries too. I hate adding to them. So I usually sleep and I feel better after doing so. But today I can’t do that. I have been up since midnight and I need to get ready for work. And I’ll probably be fine once I’m there and the armor goes up but it doesn’t go away and sometimes it breaks free. In these moments before I get ready, I think that I need a vacation but that’s just time alone in my head and that’s what I have now. Except, I’d get to sleep and yearn for even the limited connection that coworkers bring.

I guess most days I try to do a better job of being the man Morgan needed than I did when she was alive. If I was who I am now, she’d be by my side. And other days I think she was the only person who wanted me and look how I fucked that up. And I know it’s bullshit and that I did what I could but it doesn’t feel that way.

I think about how, if I’m this better person, why do my relationships never make it past that heady rush of the beginning months? Why do I feel the same and why do they not want me?

I feel like I’m flailing about just trying to move forward and I worry that I sometimes feel like an open wound. I hear my friends telling me that they want me around.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Just that I’m tired and want to sleep and I’m tired of finding people and losing people. Is the fault in the choice or the execution? I try to be less “I love you” now. Because I say it too soon?

Maybe they think it’s desperation or a projection of need? But my pain is knives turned inward. My perception and standards remain intact. I know how I feel. It’s just experience tells me that that doesn’t matter. No matter how much you love someone, they leave you. Better they know now, before it’s too late.