Monetization of the human soul

I totally wish I was asleep right now
Huddle in a blanket
A little too warm but oblivious because I am about to be oblivious
I completely get why I’m not
I have to get up
I have to get ready for work
So that they keep paying me
So that I can pay bills
So that the lights stay on
So I can live in a house
Not the street
So that I can eat today and tomorrow
So that my health doesn’t deteriorate faster

And that’s completely why I want to be asleep
Because that
Is bullshit
I have to go to work
So that I don’t die
So that my living conditions don’t devolve
Because there is no basic human state of living
Which our society would support
No level at which safety is guaranteed
There is either working poor
Or super rich
If you stopped working today
How long would it be before you were homeless?
Before you couldn’t eat?
Before this level of belief that you are doing well deteriorates?
Not long
For most of us, not even a paycheck
For many of us
Less than that
The people who have somehow made enough money that they have other streams of income
Many of which are dependent on you going to that job every day
They last longer
But eventually we all fall
And who is left?
The ones who accumulated so much personal wealth that they are themselves nation-states. They personally employ so many people, that their lives are safe…for longer.
But the system is collapsing
In slow motion perhaps
But it’s falling
Because we created tools which influence human weakness on a vast scale
And gave those tools to whoever had any amount of money.
I finally see how the world of Anathem(Neal Stephenson’s book) comes about
How worlds fall and are reborn
But we don’t have a system in place to reboot us
We’ll fall into barbarism
And we’ll pay for the privilege
And the ones with the money will last longer
But when the structure crumbles
The towers fall eventually
But still
I have to go to work
Because I’m not paid to see and speak truth

Beyond the edges, in filigree

I’ve waited in the dark
Lurking
Eyes strained
Sleep deprived and wired
Sipping coffee
Waiting for
Something to bring out light
Waited so long
That light itself was foreign
Suspect
That people could live in that place and not know its inevitable destruction
That the bright light was just the soft underbelly of the darkness
Darkness to make you strong
To feast on pain
To become inured to it
To seek it out
To wake
And in a moment of clarity
A moment of breathe which came so rarely
Its presence was pleasure itself
Realize that waiting is giving up
And drag yourself up out of the darkness to live as an alien in the bright world
Because you’ve been changed
Because you can’t see the simple without looking for its opposite
Because you are infused in darkness and whatever you think and do is just a step away from
That place
That cavern
That prison
You once called shelter

Confused crow hops forward

Burned out, Burned through
Adrift without pain
Without skewers of flame scoring skin
Each day harder to wake
Each day harder to accept
Living after a hurricane
After tumultuous chaos with one new pain rising
Until silence and calm
Wishing to build something storm proof
Something grand
Hard to do with splintered wood
Hard to stop waiting for the storm to pass
To get up
To work on a future
Easier to give up and sink slowly into normal
Than to take the next step forward
Whatever that may be

Ask for me thrice and never will I part

Spin bled
Round read
Eyes turn again
Next fled
Choice bends
And back to you again
Learn blood
Sup FUD
And swirl into arms
Roll dice
Found slice
Made nice
Though pain paints its own picture
Hearts race
Lost face
Soundly laced
Choices back to her again
Quiet beat
Soundly sleep
Pain creeps
Eyes possess her all

Shimmer of falling light

How can I be
A dancer on the precipice
When I am so afraid
To fail

Can I choose
A path forward
A step between
To a point of the infinite

What feels like falling
Strength wars with the push
Sleep a promise unfulfilled
Searching for a place of safety

Knowing all along
We might not all make it
Knowing the step forward is the only choice

But all roads are open
How to choose
When choices shut doors
Leading to
Instead of away

We are never more complicated than when we are open to love

It is easy to say that love is a choice and not a feeling. Because we want things to be one thing or another. We want uncomplicated and simple solutions. But this leads us to believe that if we no longer feel love that we should just choose to be with the person because we are choosing love. And that is fucking dangerous.

Yes, love should be a conscious choice. Don’t allow your feelings to rule but when your feelings of love are gone, it should be a flag to examine why.

Because love is a choice but the kind of choice it is, is to see. To see all that a person is and choose to love them. In the best way, it is to allow one’s feelings to develop from seeing who they are and each day realizing why you love them.

Now. That shit is easy to say. And some days it will be all you can do not to be super fucking annoyed by everything that they do, but the feeling of love will pull you through. And on the obverse side, if all you have is the feeling of love without the reasons that you love them….observe that. Because if you feel love but there is no quality in them that makes clear why, or if what you once loved has worn away and has been replaced by fear, uncertainty, and doubt…well that’s dangerous…

A lover’s waltz

Burn with me and I shall set you free
my love
dance our unfettered dreams in cadence
and in chaos
or spin away and find your freedom
in arms not mine
in hearts not mine
for I am lost and you
are better off on paths well traveled
I am forbidden fruit or perhaps too rare
and left unseen at the crossroads
time is a river
but choose to stay
and I will bend the world to your choosing
shift and bow
tell me if our dance is over

Fear is but the first step

To not take chances from fear is to betray yourself. It is not bravery one must act with. Instead one must examine ones fears. Does this action make you afraid? If so does the fear serve its intended purpose and keep you from harming yourself or others? If so then it behooves you to examine the desire to find out the why’s of it. If the fear does not serve you then you must take the action. There will be consequences, there will be fallout. Prepare your mind for that potentiality. Then let it go. Embrace the action as one of beauty. Then step forward.

We live lives sheltered in our fear. Comfortable, safe lives. But ask instead why you live. If you have the life you want, then ignore me. I am joyful in your finding and keeping of it. But if you have not, then ask yourself why not? You are the only constant. The tools available to you are embodied in the choices you make. Accept that the world is chaos. Accept that the only thing you have control over are your choices.

Embrace fear. Embrace consequence. Embrace choice.