Anxiety scrambles for purchase

Sounds get stuck on my tongue
A few words waiting to be said
Waiting for some truth
As the stress mounts
Real sets in
Unsexiest of worries
About money reel and hopeful
What was can seldom be
Unless perfect storm and
Responsibility
All boats rise with prosperity
But so do they in calamity
And mindless ramblings for wars of desire combat against what’s possible
Until emergency depletes and scramble for purchase on dirt
Hard packed with indifference
Easy to live without the cost of living
Scramble for a place makes mock of all
Until only the memories stand sentinel
Around broken forms
Lifeless
After the fall

Pawns of a waking dream

There was a time when I thought I could teach the world what it could be
Thought that shaping words and connecting thoughtss
Invoking emotions and making manifest not just desire but forming reality to will
Would somehow resonate and works its way beyond my borders
Would transform those it touched and somehow reshape a world dying

As days and years passed
I gave up on those thoughts that bloomed as a redolent flower which strutted and strived
Glitzy and hollow
Grip slowly relinquished as new life broke the mold of what was making me into what would be
And in the chrysalis of new beginning
A blow to the heart set me spinning away from one path as time and history rewrote itself
And I
At junction
At crux
Was cast out
Flotsam on the river of causality
Chrysalis hardens to shell
And denied outward growth
The only way out became down
Deep through pain and loathing
Into depression which had always nibbled at the edges
And now gloried in being centerpiece for a captive audience
Deeper
Core out each piece
And discern crystal or flaw
Raw and wriggling
Pink remora leaving behind fresh wounds but dying alone on the cold pavement
Each passing year a broken memory until tattered cataclysm in shredded throat torn again and again
feeling as blood and pressured release
Scream frequency finding harmonic resonance
In shell long past useful
And burst outward infecting
Killing what it touched
And still a bit remained
A blade sheathed beneath bone
A weapon of times long gone
Master no more and wielded wild-eyed
Agony as all walls fall and what was out caresses newly formed akin
Until pleasure and pain are just two ways of speaking and both hold no discernable sway over the other
Instead, both in their firmament
Gods bestride a world of flesh
And I mistress and master
Betrayed broken and each broken rib pierced breath
Imperceptibly easier

Until anew
A person looks out
Wondering at a world they didn’t live through
A time traveler taking the longest route through blindness to arrive in a fight that cannot be one
With coping skills that say to take a simple action
One that heart and eyes know will be unforgivable but effective
Begging anyone willing to give permission for the monster inside
Blade buried in bone
To be let free
Afraid to be allowed to be
And watching as it all burns
Silence let’s go its grip
A wave forms seeking cross and disruption
Seeking amplitude match
And growth
Seeking
Voice to voice
Until all of us
Throats raw and bleeding
In notes crystalline from cores of reflected shatters
Speak
Sleepers
Wake!

Outdistance the possibility of good

That simple smile holds back despair
That cold drink saying everything is a lie
Not even a lie
Told to be kind
But instead masks the malice of never wanted
Smiling faces
Facade drip blood
Broken branches
Nothing of the me that was remains
Only memories which fade and die
Losing coherence until only a dull ache
Remains to make eyes see
Nothing works
Not even love
And only the steep slide into oblivion
That slow churning slip into disappearance
Presents as solution

Maybe I just miss my cat

Life is a series of disappointing events stretching out to the horizon
Stacked one on one until the last kills
Each day is a pointless stumble from one meaningless task to the next
And each moment we struggle to free ourselves results in just one more cinching of the noose
Each action crumbles into paralysis
Breaking ourselves open
Searching in the blood and offal for some shred of hope
Finding the one pearl that seems to give meaning
Right up until it crumbles and blows away
Never what you thought it was
And having known hope where before was only bland continuance
You fall
Pushed into despair
And drown
Each fight to the surface
To glimpse the reflected sun of hope
Ends in the deep water reclaiming you
Until the only action left is to drown with something like dignity

A night in the lonesome September

Is it folly to love deeply?
To break bread with heartache in the slim hope of a tomorrow not promised?
To drink from the cup of dreams
Our love burns now
A fire unquenched
A conflagration which itself ignites and births forth a sun
And still I fear
For life has taught me that I fail
That love
No matter how deep
Or hot
Dies
And too often quenched before mine own

Or maybe not this time
Maybe in each other we are found
Seen
Known
Loved
I am a fool of hope
Painting pictures in my blood
Hearts beat
And soon joined
“How will I ever let you go?”
Whispers the dark liar
“She won’t want you”

I don’t need assurance
I’m no fading flower waiting to be perked up
I need her by my side
My champion, my conqueror,
Mine

Laments and triumphs right before sleeping

Tangible requirements make my life easier
Each precious morsel of information
Giving one more way to be sure
To be certain
To harness control
When everything is crashing around
Real facts are all I can hold onto
When my brain is saying, “She’ll leave you, doesn’t want you, no one does.”
This bit of truth about your favorite book
About the things you say
About the words and reals
Of us
They hold back the tide
You are not alone
And neither am I
We must remember this
Even when darkness tells lies
Even when it seems like the world conspires against us
We are we
We face it together

One song blends into another

Can’t keep my mind straight
Reading pages and forgetting the words
First Glimmers of light
But fearing it’s a cave in
Not the dawn
Lost thoughts falling over the cliff
Heart hurting
Hearing the last strains of a song
Wondering if the next, we’ll play together
Or am I forever a solo project
Lost in the final phrases
In the stillness

Even the sun hides it’s face

In the bleak expanse of morning
When the lengthening night grows strong and the light fades
When the dark retreats
When only dew and shadows remain
Find me there
Bleeding from wounds left untended
Mouth speaking lies
While eyes plead to see
Blood stains newly fallen snow
And always the words spoken
“I’m fine”

Too long spent holding on

These painted flower memories
Playing back
Time after time
Bright and shining and lifeless
Just one more time
One more turn of the wheel
These not quite lies
Movies playing in the heart until the brain
Believes
This is what was
This is what will be
Painted pictures making truths
Until the eyes see
The mirror reflects
And what was
What will be
Drowns
Crashes down
Edifice crumbled
One more I love you
Before I sleep
Hope….
What’s that even mean?

When we jump, will we fall or fly?

Nights passed and still sleep has yet to find me
Words unsaid
Unthunk
Undone
Unravel out seeking tether
Weary eyes no match for a weary heart bound up in aching
Telling myself what is
Telling myself what to do
And still my heart pounds and screams
Rocking itself to anything but sleep
The conscious mind says follow the path
Says wait
Says we have a plan and a way and just follow the steps
And my heart cries
But not so schismatic
We are united
Maybe that’s the gift of knowing
To break oneself into pieces which observe and know the whole
Or maybe my tired brain is seek connections
To hold onto any truth to keep from sinking
And maybe I want to sink
Though I’ve seen the dark precipice of death from the shores of drowning
And its not peaceful
So no sinking
But my mind drowns
Drifts away
Untended
Untethered
How to sleep?
Waiting for fate to flip the next card
Was it always this hard…
Probably
It’s easy to forget the sludge dark
When you have somehow managed a bit of time in the sky