It is four hours to midnight and it is taking all of my will to write instead of sleep. It’s late. Maybe too late. But failing to post seems momentous. Like allowing the boulder to roll over me.
I’m cold and I huddle under my soft Raven blanket. Socks on, the too loud TV of the front room pushes past the paper thin door, prompting one to choose between quiet and cold. The fan goes on, the white noise drowning out the irregular and unwelcome noise of other people.
I have desires that seem chaste. To hold her in my arms, to make her safe. But hopes seem as lies and no such thing is possible. I can no more will her to see me as enough than I can will her to see herself as I do. Or perhaps, I’m just not what she wants, not enough to actually be with me anyway.
I’m huddled in the cold and noise and try to slip away, into dream. Into other lives. Where hope still lives. And the possible is not so im-.
devolution of appetite yearning for the next pointless acquisition bleeds into limbs
Lifting and depositing eager avarice into wet red clacking maw
Small voices screaming for surcease
Unheeded and ignored
Self destruction made simpler than devotion
Placed pointless to gain ground
Stolen places and time
False hopes as it all slips away
Holding too tightly
Heart cries in pain
Mind searches for anything to feel
Anything but this
Grasping for short lived pleasure
Mewling when will fends away destruction
Holding on by fingernails
All the while yearning for someone to take choices away
To force sensation
Anything but bitter broken glass
But callous hands
Offered when the lights go out
When even grey Lifeless
Is better than drowning
Adrift without tether
Hopes quailed and fled
In the depths
In the dark
Pressure pulling down
Feet covered in muck
Lungs slowly empty
Dying by inches
Unseen in the dark
Faces peer down
Looking into the water
Seeing only reflection
…and maybe peace
To spit in their eyes and stand defiant
There are days where my bones are bells chiming discordance
Heart aching days where silence is my only defense through silent screams and sobs
Ugly crying trying to expel the pain of being
Feeling it catch in my throat
Too big to let go of
Days where all the pain is masked by being tired
Sleepless nights looking for escape
Unwilling to take what feels like maybe the only option
But knowing it’s a lie
That success is failure
That failure is one more chance
… To be something other than lonely
I’m a bag of broken clattering together
Making music that soars and sings
All from the painful pieces
Hoping this time
I woke to a city of mists
Crumbling edifice and haunted winds
Slow erosion and echos
Minutes reverberate on
Built future breaks down
All falls away
to new paths
I woke to a city of ghosts
What will be
Unseen in the fading light
Things in my life are, oddly, going right. And I’m kinda lost. Cause for the longest time I’ve been struggling to find some light and now that things have resolved into a picture of maybe and almost and yes and huh, I’m not sure how to deal. Like I’m a ninja warrior at depression and pain. That shit I have handled and can work through. And the unbearable happiness of the new relationship, I know that too because it feels like falling apart and that’s stopping. Love now feels like walking into a moon drenched night full of wonder and the possible. Like heat after being nearly frozen. No simple maybe someday but here and now.
So for the first time in a long time, I’m lost. And not lost in my pain or in some bleak landscape of never gonna be but lost in where things go without the dramatic pose of pain and open wounds.
Darkness and shadows still war in me and poetry is still flowing. But I’m not drowning. And that’s new.
I’d like to know why but equally don’t want to break the spell. And while I want more than I have, I can see a future where I may have all that I want, and how do I deal with that? Or is it that having all that one desires, it then becomes a struggle to hold on.
I suppose the inclination is to hold ground but I know that doesn’t work. I’ll keep evolving. Adding new pieces. New thoughts. Anything else seems to lead to the slow death. Growing is the only way to hold.
It was the oddest thing, I was laying down. Getting ready to go to sleep. Feeling like I was worthless. Like everything was going to be horrible forever. You know, depression brain. This is a bad time of year. September 19th.
But I was going to sleep, covered up, getting comfortable and I closed my eyes. And about ten seconds later there was a flash of light. That I saw with closed eyes.
And the strangest thing. The depression was gone. Just gone. Like a switch had been flipped. This was last night. And I woke up, and it’s still gone.
I reach for it. I know how to bring it up. Trying to examine it. And it slips away. Like it’s not there.
I don’t know what this is. Or how long it will last. It’s like I was in pain and the pain is just gone. It’s staggering like I’ve been holding on to it and leaning on it. And now it’s gone and I feel light and free. And I don’t fear it coming back or anything.
Something misaligned got fixed…maybe the simulation we are in got a patch.
-Fixed: Depression in sector 7g
I am an obsession
A candle made flesh
Fire builds to conflagration
Until all flesh pulses
Until all fuel is destroyed
And waking from the dream
Find myself alone
Bereft of her
Unable to see futures
Who would love destruction
Who would dare stand in fire