One song blends into another

Can’t keep my mind straight
Reading pages and forgetting the words
First Glimmers of light
But fearing it’s a cave in
Not the dawn
Lost thoughts falling over the cliff
Heart hurting
Hearing the last strains of a song
Wondering if the next, we’ll play together
Or am I forever a solo project
Lost in the final phrases
In the stillness

Even the sun hides it’s face

In the bleak expanse of morning
When the lengthening night grows strong and the light fades
When the dark retreats
When only dew and shadows remain
Find me there
Bleeding from wounds left untended
Mouth speaking lies
While eyes plead to see
Blood stains newly fallen snow
And always the words spoken
“I’m fine”

Too long spent holding on

These painted flower memories
Playing back
Time after time
Bright and shining and lifeless
Just one more time
One more turn of the wheel
These not quite lies
Movies playing in the heart until the brain
Believes
This is what was
This is what will be
Painted pictures making truths
Until the eyes see
The mirror reflects
And what was
What will be
Drowns
Crashes down
Edifice crumbled
One more I love you
Before I sleep
Hope….
What’s that even mean?

When we jump, will we fall or fly?

Nights passed and still sleep has yet to find me
Words unsaid
Unthunk
Undone
Unravel out seeking tether
Weary eyes no match for a weary heart bound up in aching
Telling myself what is
Telling myself what to do
And still my heart pounds and screams
Rocking itself to anything but sleep
The conscious mind says follow the path
Says wait
Says we have a plan and a way and just follow the steps
And my heart cries
But not so schismatic
We are united
Maybe that’s the gift of knowing
To break oneself into pieces which observe and know the whole
Or maybe my tired brain is seek connections
To hold onto any truth to keep from sinking
And maybe I want to sink
Though I’ve seen the dark precipice of death from the shores of drowning
And its not peaceful
So no sinking
But my mind drowns
Drifts away
Untended
Untethered
How to sleep?
Waiting for fate to flip the next card
Was it always this hard…
Probably
It’s easy to forget the sludge dark
When you have somehow managed a bit of time in the sky

Give me an enemy, someone to fight, but don’t give me this emptiness

Every word read cuts like a knife through flesh made tender by the pounding of fists
Glances through doorways during meetings sends the mind tailspinning through all the possibilities of what they are saying about me
And I know that these words weren’t written about me…probably
And I know that those glances are an attempt at distraction during a boring meeting…most likely
But feeling isn’t logic and pain doesn’t care why
It Wraps its chains and drags one down making each step harder
Until sleep is both the enemy and the only retreat
Until longing for arms to hold me gives me pause and exhaustion forces its way in and into cold plunges of water which mask the symptoms
“You’re looking better…”
For now, for now but sleep is the liar
And too much breaks the will as easily as too little
And blood on the water has the sharks circling

Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand

Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see

The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired

Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me

But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack

And sleep
Too little
Too late

They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced

Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?

To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost

Covered in blood, blinking, “See everything’s ok”

Resting blank face
Eyes alight behind a mask of unmoving skin
No smile
No frown
Permanent thousand yard stare
“Who are you trying to intimidate,” they ask
No one
No one
This is a defense
The one lie I allow
To hide the pain that courses just beneath the surface
Just under the distraction
Just under the distance
Keeping questions at bay
As much as possible
You learn not to ask how I’m doing
Because that’s spoken true
So instead
Blank mask
Fool yourself into thinking
He’s ok
It’s easier
Even as I drown a little more
History full of lost chances
Dead ends
And silence

On borders, blossom or crumble

Sometimes the noise gets so loud that it becomes silence
And the hole inside yawns wide
You are looking down into this abyss
While you are falling too
And the only thought
The only scream
Is silent
Open your mouth
Throat aching
Scream soundless
Jaw burning and stretched
And still
The empty consumes a bit more
And all you can do is drown a little bit
And you gasp trying to breathe but it’s not air you need
You can’t think
And gods help you if you start looking outside
But you do
And we all have our drugs
Sex or loss of control
Dissolving minds in chemicals and hoping to wake up better
Hoping not to wake
The empty doesn’t leave
It’s just held at bay by sensation
It lurks out in the periphery
We watch it as we lose ourselves in the dissolving of self
Later we wake
Maybe the empty is gone
Can’t even remember it was there
Dangerous
The outside killed the inside
The lie of the alluring
But it wakes from its stupor
We try again and again
Until nothing keeps it away
Eroding our will
Sometimes that’s the point of ending
Where just the screaming to stop becomes audible and that drop, that gunshot, that dose you know is too much…
But sometimes
something we do fills the hole
Just a bit
But enough
…..
And we claw our way back
But that hole
That grinning silence
It’s not gone
But now
We have a shovel
And maybe that is enough

Why skip a post when you can bleed?

It is four hours to midnight and it is taking all of my will to write instead of sleep. It’s late. Maybe too late. But failing to post seems momentous. Like allowing the boulder to roll over me.

I’m cold and I huddle under my soft Raven blanket. Socks on, the too loud TV of the front room pushes past the paper thin door, prompting one to choose between quiet and cold. The fan goes on, the white noise drowning out the irregular and unwelcome noise of other people.

I have desires that seem chaste. To hold her in my arms, to make her safe. But hopes seem as lies and no such thing is possible. I can no more will her to see me as enough than I can will her to see herself as I do. Or perhaps, I’m just not what she wants, not enough to actually be with me anyway.

I’m huddled in the cold and noise and try to slip away, into dream. Into other lives. Where hope still lives. And the possible is not so im-.

Better a dirge than bitter silence

devolution of appetite yearning for the next pointless acquisition bleeds into limbs
Lifting and depositing eager avarice into wet red clacking maw
Small voices screaming for surcease
Unheeded and ignored
Self destruction made simpler than devotion
Placed pointless to gain ground
Stolen places and time
Daily resolutions
False hopes as it all slips away
Holding too tightly
All dreams
Die