Things in my life are, oddly, going right. And I’m kinda lost. Cause for the longest time I’ve been struggling to find some light and now that things have resolved into a picture of maybe and almost and yes and huh, I’m not sure how to deal. Like I’m a ninja warrior at depression and pain. That shit I have handled and can work through. And the unbearable happiness of the new relationship, I know that too because it feels like falling apart and that’s stopping. Love now feels like walking into a moon drenched night full of wonder and the possible. Like heat after being nearly frozen. No simple maybe someday but here and now.
So for the first time in a long time, I’m lost. And not lost in my pain or in some bleak landscape of never gonna be but lost in where things go without the dramatic pose of pain and open wounds.
Darkness and shadows still war in me and poetry is still flowing. But I’m not drowning. And that’s new.
I’d like to know why but equally don’t want to break the spell. And while I want more than I have, I can see a future where I may have all that I want, and how do I deal with that? Or is it that having all that one desires, it then becomes a struggle to hold on.
I suppose the inclination is to hold ground but I know that doesn’t work. I’ll keep evolving. Adding new pieces. New thoughts. Anything else seems to lead to the slow death. Growing is the only way to hold.