Splay me open
Crack my chest
There’s little enough left
A heart in tatters
Each new day cut slivers
Stuck in throat
Flowed out with tears come unbidden
Weaving a false tale of hopes realization
Fantasy without root
Just another sliver
An ache that never ends
Take what blood remains
Chest hollowed out
Filled with burnt ash
An endless well
poetry
A dream that lives the man
I want to fill my head with noise
Just a cacophony of sound so I don’t have to think
Just a minute to stop
Not know
Not be
Just static
A mask for pain
Something to keep my eyes clear
No blurry vision
No cloudy pictures
Feeling alone feels like giving up
Get to know your own company they say
But you can’t turn and share a book with yourself
Can’t listen to a particular piece of music
Can’t sing a silly song you made up on the spot
Just because
Maybe I’ll be good at this on some future tomorrow
But I doubt it
I want too much
I want all
I’ve been the possible
I’ve seen the chances
How can I go back to the alone?
I’ve come too far to accept that
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When words are too uncertain
These cold lonely days with nothing
but time and hope
These words that bubble up and want to drip out
but lips clamp closed
These feelings that speak of desire
But already way out on a limb
Should hands let go and fall
Or does gravity and fluid dynamics dictate this uncertainty
A symptom
Of being unworthy
Held back by hands forged from my own skin
Held down by actions echoing forward
Prepared for nothing
Dreams left empty
Behind eyelids
Too painful to cry
Or speak
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Shhhhhhh…Click
Existence
Hollows out to this excruciating pull
Step by reluctant step
Into uncertain
Into shadows
No homecoming this
Looming shapes cast unknown
Pained knowledge of what is lost
Moments creeping by without defense
Without any indication that this
Falseness of hope
Broken free
Lodged in arteries
Each heart beating
Bringing the heaviness of truth
Or spun sugar fakery
Unknown which
Until pains precipice
And the only choice is jump
Or shatter here
Bereft of all but silence
Darkness broken by screams from frozen vocal cords
And the unquiet tears of the damned
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Not all dreams rise(audio)
Half cast shadows shift in the broken light
Stop motion shades flit from open doorway to open doorway
Huge rusted hinges showing where vault doors once hung
Fear hangs like grease in the soft twilight air
The man shaped thing strides through his city
Draped in the cloth of forgotten night
Wet air bubbles and shifts like touching a hot skillet
The doors are open
The cane by his side bends and shifts
Once a staff, once a blade
He thirsts
But his city lays barren
Patches of green
turned brown and wilted
dot the hanging gardens
A testament to what was and what may be
In this forgotten city of memory
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Need is not a dirty word
When I say I need you, I don’t mean I need you to pick up my clothes. I don’t mean I need you to take care of me. I don’t mean I need you to make me dinner.
When I say I need you, I mean your presence in my life makes the sun shine a bit brighter. I mean your presence in my life makes my days pass easier and not quicker. I mean your presence in my life drives my passion and forces my creativity to new avenues and choices.
My need is a thing of desire and joy and change. I need because wanting is lukewarm and nothing in the context of love should be anything but the fire burning.
I need comfort and safety but I need it not as a person or place to retreat to but to strike out from. To experience the vastness of life and still know that together we are safe because with each other there is a place to be without that shifting chaos.
I need you to feed me oxygen and fire in equal measure as I feed you earth and water. Or let us not be bound by needs but feed each other golden apples plucked from an immortal tree and know that as one desires the other will provide.
I need you to disagree with me and fight me because I believe I’m right but I’m often wrong and I trust you to give me the truth. But I won’t believe it. And we’ll make up and a few months later, I’ll say “You were right.”
I need you to be vulnerable with me and let me heal the hurts that I can and hold you together while you heal the ones I can’t reach. I need you to know my insecurities and know that despite them I am strong and will not fail you when it counts.
Need is not a dirty word. It is passion coupled to desire. Put want back where it belongs. I want a salad. I want to drive. I want to have a comfortable chair.
I don’t need those things. I need you.
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Compulsion
I feel my stagnation, a hell of creation, founded on my dreams that crumbled away while seeking damnation
I’m a false poet, or do I mean prophet, lost on the way to all that was get,
I founded my life on violence and sex then foundered on the shoals of a love that Pierced me, broke me apart and reworked me, she traveled through space and time and unearthed me
I was buried in the dirt of my own ambitions, trapped by admonitions, saying make money is the way to be happy even if it comes at the expense of your soul, these fleeting lives all have a price and a cost and I have paid for it all in bloody coins
But pulled from the ground I was raw and without skin, so used to trapping my heart in stone that to feel her hands was blood on the blade pressed against lips, and last dribble of false desire fell away and it was this pain, this agony that I needed and yearned for but trapped in the earth there was no way to feel the wind and the rain
She comes a storm and I break beneath her until her name whispers through my heart and I see the truth behind the veil and I know, and I reach that tremulous control and hold her storm in cupped hands, so easy to break her now, but instead I breathe power into her swirling winds and a maelstrom breaks to freedom and waits like outstretched hands to be joined and like that
The storm ends
And I am left broken in mud, covered in blood and bone come pattered back to too still earth, no longer stood astride like giants, just broken and soft and dreaming, dowsing, seeking, looking for a hand to see and know and wake
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Unknown observer
In my heart
is a poison vial
and I know not
whether I am alive or dead
Poised between love and oblivion
I cannot know until I am seen
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A city of half closed doors turned inside out
I have made a garden of bones, of sinew
Flowers of synapse sparking lightning to the chill night air
Pathways of blood mark the dark ways wending to the heart
Sits beating a slow rhythm of hope
Topiarys of muscle expand and contract
Exposed nerves shiver in the wind
Thoughts and dreams play out across a storm strewn sky
Broken arrow teardrops fall piercing this exposure
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The blade cuts thrice
I have no mind to keep my heart silent
It shouts its ebbulation
A bubble filled with joy rolling up my throat
Trapped at vocal chords
You say it’s not time
And in the frenzy of my love
I swallow exhultant shouts
That now sit like lead against the dull thump
Echo ringing in ears
Voice trapped behind teeth
I’ve no mind for these types of games
But I play hoping for a different outcome
The pain sits heavy, however. Drawing tears when all I want is a you that is free. Not this trapped butterfly beating against still drying cacoon. Knowing full well you are mine only for these space of minutes between past and flight. Still, I’d cut you free, if you’d let me.
Me and my damned word. I’ll let you lead and set the pace I promised. Never knowing how cruel I was being to us both
This dance of back and forth. Stepping into one world while trapped in another.
Only you can free us, perhaps you have forgotten
Perhaps I can’t remember
This was a game pushed past boundaries
This heart held heavy in swallowed silence
Watching you wake
Let me speak
‘ere I drown
In silence
Pelgris 