I wrote this 11 years ago.
To understand this world you must feel it, breathe in its air as it breathes you in; dance with it as it dances , caress the wind and be caressed in turn. And as I dance and breathe and touch I wonder if there are others experiencing the world as I do or are they all just caught up in the mundane details unable to see the larger world except in momentary glimpses.
And now I feel ensnared. Caught fast in amber. Unable to feel my way through.
I remember that feeling. That singular euphoria of feeling so much a part of the living world that I was connected to its very breathe.
And I now only see it in brief glimpses, which feel insubstantial. There’s no time, it seems, to just be.
And that is what is required. Time to just be in the world. Without tether. Free. With only those physically by your side to share it with you.
I wish in these moments of quiet reflection that I was more than this collection of bones stretched thin and lips held silent
I wish I was filled with light and good choices and could see roads forward that led me to my hearts repose instead of being stuck on this roundabout
I wish I could be content in a life of being alone. In this days stretched out unrelenting without
So much easier to dream than live out paths of blood and hope
I wish…but I’m a contrary man, never trusting what comes too easy. Sabotage joy before it begins with choices made too close to the impossible
Begging to be chosen but setting the scene to be left
Or maybe I’m just looking for someone to blame and I could never cast aspersions on someone I love
I take false breathes
Each one declaring itself to be perfect
treacherous heart beats loudly
Screaming to be set free
snap lightning synapse
Flashfire to eyes
Buried in tears
Hopes drown in a sea of tomorrow
Looking back, I wonder
I wonder why I allowed situations where I was in so much pain
I wonder at feeling those highs when the lows lasted for so much longer
I wonder why do I want someone to eat with me when I so much enjoy sitting alone at the restaurant, eating at my slow pace, reading my book
Experiences that aren’t made better
I only dance in public when I’m not with someone I know
I’m only free from all expectations on my own
But still, I miss having someone.
To love. To kiss. To hold.
I miss sleeping next to someone.
Not all the time, but sometimes.
I miss that moment when you look at each other and everything is said and nothing is spoken
I want to fill my head with noise
Just a cacophony of sound so I don’t have to think
Just a minute to stop
A mask for pain
Something to keep my eyes clear
No blurry vision
No cloudy pictures
Feeling alone feels like giving up
Get to know your own company they say
But you can’t turn and share a book with yourself
Can’t listen to a particular piece of music
Can’t sing a silly song you made up on the spot
Maybe I’ll be good at this on some future tomorrow
But I doubt it
I want too much
I want all
I’ve been the possible
I’ve seen the chances
How can I go back to the alone?
I’ve come too far to accept that
I recently told a friend that I anticipated that this September would be a bad one. Last year I was distracted by relationships, failed or otherwise. This year I, now, have no such distance. She said there was still time, that some relationship might start up. She was being kind, maybe a bit fearful of my state in the weeks that lead up to that dreadful anniversary. I find myself less than optimistic concerning the same thing. The possibility of anything seems so distant. And my efforts seem to not make a bit of difference. Like fighting a tiller in a storm, even though the seas seem calm. I just keep moving forward, swept along the current. Unable to find home or shore.
This song has been wandering in my head. But it’s not that I don’t want to die alone, it’s that I don’t want to live a life alone. Friends are great, but someone you love romanticly will always get a piece of yourself you don’t share with friends. So, even with friends, still living a life alone.
I believe that if you love someone, you tell them.
If you want to be with them, you tell them.
If you are with them, you dream of them.
If they walk by your side, you touch them.
You touch in joy, in desire, in happiness. You touch to reaffirm that you desire them. You touch in public. So called public displays of affection are just demonstrations that love should not be contained. And if someone doesn’t like it, well, fuck them.
I prefer my relationships to be shouted from the rooftops. I prefer that we love out loud and loudly at the same time. Little secrets are for little children. If you are mine, then You Are Mine. I love with fierce passion.
I don’t understand walking without touching. Without seeing them out of the corner of your eye and pushing them to the wall and kissing them. Or pulling them as close as possible until someone shouts “get a room”.
I want to whisper poetry and hear your voice and your words. I want you to fall asleep at my side and wake knowing that you are loved.
If you have a dark side, I’ll match you step for step.
Join me, dance with me, love with me. I’ll do my level best to not dissapoint.
Waves of fire
Undulating in the dying light of day
… Then fade
Written and rewritten
Start over, start again
So tired in the post lunch depression
Feel your heat against my skin
Convince me I’m real