I give you my word

Too late to say all the things
Can’t get to you in this night hour
Can’t talk unless you check your messages
Just shouting into the ether

I can’t walk up and have a conversation
You are nineteen hours away
This talk over message
Like thin gruel
To spending time and letting it come naturally

Finding excuses to have a conversation
Finding cat videos so you can say how cute
Eyes full of hearts emoii
That used to be for me

And I pretend that you mean it for me
That I’ve given you the excuse to say how you feel
But there’s a world of difference between there and here
And I’m fading away
Lost in the silence of what we had

And the tinny reverb that we have now
Painful shadows of what was

Waiting for the dawn

Love doesn’t stop

The problem with love is that it really doesn’t give a shit if the person you love is tied to another. Maybe this is a my brain thing or maybe it’s something we societaly suppress. In the latter case, it’s still a my brain thing since I’ve cast aside most societal norms, or at least the reasoning behind those norms.

In any case, my brain doesn’t give 2 figs if someone is with someone else. If I see them, if they resonate with me, then I will fall in romantic love with them. Outside of family, I literally have 3 friends who I don’t romantically love. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have a positive desire to be with them in any kind of romantic context. But…I have more than three friends. And the rest, I do love in a romantic way. And I find myself slipping deeper into that mindset. It’s why, despite my desire, I must distance myself from some of them. Because, they don’t want to be loved romantically. They may value me and even love me, but not romantically. And I push. Anyone who knows me, knows that I push. Not in a bad way, but I will be more intimate, more caring, romantic than is comfortable. So, in accordance with their wishes and to safeguard my emotional state, I distance myself. I hate it, but I do it.

But, the point is that I don’t stop loving someone romantically because they are with another. I won’t try to split them up. I will, actually try to bolster their relationship if it makes the person I love happy. Because I do love them, and I want them happy. And if that isn’t going to be with me, then I’m going to help their relationship if I can. Maybe that seems like self sabotage. But, I can’t be honorable and harm someone I love for personal gain. That just doesn’t work. And maybe they would be happy with me, maybe happier. But that is their decision. I can’t compromise my values to bring them to my side.

Because, if I did that, I would not be the man they would love. I would be some kind of manipulator. And that is something I will not allow. Sometimes I see the cracks in a situation and it would be easy to widen those gaps. But to do so would be contrary to my code. It would be a fundamental betrayal. I’d rather die alone and unloved than to betray.

We all must live by the standards we set. Failure to do so is evil. It’s a manipulation of our own stated truths and it destroys the people who do it. One compromise leads to another until all that we are lays in ruins. We may have all that we wanted, but it’s ashes.

The blade cuts thrice

I have no mind to keep my heart silent
It shouts its ebbulation
A bubble filled with joy rolling up my throat
Trapped at vocal chords
You say it’s not time
And in the frenzy of my love
I swallow exhultant shouts
That now sit like lead against the dull thump
Echo ringing in ears
Voice trapped behind teeth
I’ve no mind for these types of games
But I play hoping for a different outcome

The pain sits heavy, however. Drawing tears when all I want is a you that is free. Not this trapped butterfly beating against still drying cacoon. Knowing full well you are mine only for these space of minutes between past and flight. Still, I’d cut you free, if you’d let me.

Me and my damned word. I’ll let you lead and set the pace I promised. Never knowing how cruel I was being to us both
This dance of back and forth. Stepping into one world while trapped in another.
Only you can free us, perhaps you have forgotten
Perhaps I can’t remember
This was a game pushed past boundaries

This heart held heavy in swallowed silence
Watching you wake
Let me speak
‘ere I drown
In silence

I’m nuts

I’m nuts
Completely crazy
I love hard
I love freely
I love with everything that I am

If I give my word, I keep it
I’m told that makes me different
I’m told that makes me crazy

Sanity at the price of love and honor
I will never pay that price
If I be alone forever
As terrifying as that is

I will
NEVER
Pay
That
Price.

Making too much of this?

If I say something complimentary, I’m not being sweet or nice. I’m being honest.

If I do something, usually I expect nothing in return unless it is part of a exchange. Again, that isn’t me being nice or sweet. That is me acting as my internal honor and rules dictate.

I can be generous and kind to those I care for, but nice or sweet? That’s not me. Am I wrong? Is that what society sees as sweet or nice?

Ask anyone who knows me, nice and sweet are not words they would use to describe me. It may seem I am making too much of this. But I won’t be dishonest. Even by allowing a misconception.

Again, that’s not me being nice either. That is me adhering to my honor code.

Last twitch

There a flower grows
The yellow heat pours down
From a blue sky, soft rain patters staccato against leaves
The soft loam, smelling clean. Fresh earth and the crisp green of new growth
Fronds reaching out to the blue. Sun pounding down they drink their fill
Dew soaked grass, orange gold sunset and the failing light
The first blush of the darkness found amidst deepening shadows
Soft hushed, sounds quiet, the garden cools in the night air
The stars shine. While across the sky meteors fall like tears
The triumphant moon, full and ripe, arcs ascendant in a loving sky

 

This is the poem I wrote as my last relationship was ending. I wrote a each line in remembrance, over a period of 20 days, as I do not walk away. But It was over. Eventually, when other romance looms heavy, even I must shutter the past. As I did today. Not everything beautiful lasts forever. But sometimes that ending marks the beginning of something better.

Thoughts on love and my self.

I write poetry and stories here about love. Pretty much always. There are people who I’m romantically interested in who read my work. I wonder what they think of it. I also believe that people, not necessarily them, but I see a bit of overlap. People would think that I am fragile. Or maybe they think that because I love them, they are protecting me. I don’t require protection. I know my heart. I know my emotions. I can sit down and work through the why’s and the causes. I have coping skills. I’m a coping skill warrior monk.

Maybe they try to safeguard their heart. If so, tell me that. If I know that, and I love you, then I will make every effort to keep you from pain by my action.

Here is one of my many rules, for someone I love: I will endeavor, to the best of my ability, to safeguard your heart. Whether through my action, or by allowing harm to come by my inaction. If I fail, and it is possible, tell me. I will address the situation. Honor demands it.

How do you know if I love you? Ask. Ask me directly, not as a coworker or boss, as a person. Ask. My rules, which you probably will have heard about, obligate me. I must speak truth. So ask, “Do you love me?”.

Thoughts on debt as societal currency

I wonder why, on acceptance by some group or another, people feel the need to thank them for it. To thank them for inclusion.

For myself, I may apply for acceptance, but that is as far as I will go. You will include me or not as you choose but I am no fawning sycophant, to bow and scrape because you deign to acknowledge me.

I set the tone, I start the dance, I stand tall included or not. I do not bow or grovel for your acceptance.

Perhaps you consider it polite. However, as a societal gesture, the thank you for inclusion is one of subservience.

I ask, you allow and we walk as equals.

I ask, you allow, I thank you for the privilege and I have have setup a subtext that I needed your permission.

I may act as a guest should, on acceptance, but to allow the power dynamic to subtly shift without acknowledging that it has, is foolish. By thanking them, you are acknowledging a debt, however slight.

Debts are treacherous things. Sometimes, you want to be in someone’s debt. Because as long as you are, as long as the marker is not called in, they have a vested interest in your wellbeing. At least, insomuch, as calling in the marker fits into future plans or as a safety net. But, In debt to one who refuses to be repaid and you are on treacherous ground.

Of course, this presupposes that you, at least, are honorable and acknowledge and accept your debts. As a honorable person, I am always looking at the scales to determine where honorable action to move towards balance lays.

The only exception is in the case of those I love. Who, in effect, I owe and am owed infinity. There is no action I won’t take for someone I love. The only determining factor is, is it the correct action in that moment.