A few days ago I hurt my back. Bruised a rib right at the connection to my spine. It hurts at about a 5 but when I lay down to sleep that goes to a 9. I have to find a way to to sleep sitting up. And this means I sleep uneasy and cannot dream walk. Much as I may wish otherwise.
This song has been wandering in my head. But it’s not that I don’t want to die alone, it’s that I don’t want to live a life alone. Friends are great, but someone you love romanticly will always get a piece of yourself you don’t share with friends. So, even with friends, still living a life alone.
I feel like, nothing
I knew we were paused
No, I hoped we were paused
I tried to go on living as if nothing had happened
As I said I would
But I couldn’t
Couldn’t let her go
Couldn’t not think about her
Until, I sent her a message.
Honestly I sent her several but the first one was too much and the second was me acknowledging that
But the third, the third was simple
“I miss you”
I didn’t expect anything back
But I couldn’t just let her go
And the reply,
Don’t miss her. How could I not?
I don’t want to miss her. I want to be with her. But, I don’t think that is what she means.
And I want to just feel something, other than
But I don’t know how
When I first talked with her it was through comments on a thing I wrote. That happened more and more until I felt I was getting to know her. Then I said I was falling for someone and she knew though I didn’t say that it was her. We started talking in earnest and it seemed to be going well. Then tragedy struck and we seemed to be getting through that. I was right on the verge of saying, “We need to meet in person.” And as I was typing that to her, I found myself blocked. She’d ghosted me. I was destroyed. Beyond destroyed, devistated.
My friend helped me pick up the pieces. It took 4 months before I wasn’t I complete mess. Then as my life got back to something resembling good, she messaged me. Out of the blue. Explaining and apologizing. I’d let her go. Let the pain go.
I was with someone which ultimately fizzled and now we’re just friends.
And after it fizzled we allowed each other back into our lives. And it was good. Not like it was but still really good. But now she’d push me away and I’d not let her. I’m not a idiot, I saw what was happening and I don’t want, didn’t want to let her go.
Then she came to me completely rational and told me that she couldn’t be with me and work through what she needed to work through.
I said ok. I said it more eloquently than that but that’s what I said. What else could I say?
I would do anything for her and if the thing I could do was leave her to heal on her own without me, then of course I had to let her go.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her. Or, if I’m not with anyone, would not want to be with her. I still think about her all the time. I used to dream that I slept by her side. Those dreams are gone.
I would never have left her if she didn’t request it. Life is the stupidest rigged game you’ll ever participate in. Even if you think you know what is happening, you never really do.
So I took this down, put it up, took it down, I edited it, life….it sucks.
I wish you knew how many of my posts were about you. But it’s not fair off me to want that, when you want the distance.
It wraps around me, the soft silence of a morning just waking, of a dawn just breaking, a hopeful silence, a silence of beginnings
But I, foolish creature that I am, break silence and say good morning to people who might be but aren’t quite mine. Not to you, my goddess, you have wandered away and I know not if you will wander back. No, to others who began so promising and are now this silence.
A silence of waiting, waiting for a reply that never comes, for the ease of conversation that began us. The echoing silence of a moment that cannot be recaptured and the tortuous efforts to spark anew.
The third silence is a thing of noise and speech, of nothing, for nothing. The meaningless babble of days passing without meaning, pointless how are you’s and empty Fine’s. A silence that fills the empty spaces and still rings hollow.
And a fourth silence, a silence just for me. A silence of the heart. A silence built of pain, off loss, of need, of dreams. A silence of tears and soundless screams. A deep abiding silence. Whose only cessation would be found on your doorstep.
A knock on your door to break the silence of dawn, holding you close to break the silence of waiting, a whispered “I love you,” to break the meaningless silence, never letting you go again to break the bleak silence of the heart.
Sometimes I feel as if the choices I make are all predicated on the choices of others.
That despite my so called autonomy, I am waiting. Sometimes I wish that others would act as I do. Would see my heart resonant as I see theirs and say you. I want you.
I would move the heavens for such a person. But until that day there is me, feeling this
perhaps a bit late for the song of the day, but it took me awhile to realize that this is what my heart was singing. It took time for it to filter to my consciousness