relationship

Emotional shotgun: feeling lonely during the holidays edition

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I have dreamed a thousand lives and in each you are there. I’ve kissed you a thousand ways. Made love to you with word and skin. Fucked like beasts. Commanded and caressed. But in each, you will not stay. All I have learned, all the pleasures, the highs and the lows, all my knowledge I bring and still you walk away. I bare my soul and jump with my heart wide open, and still you walk away. And so I wake, because why live in the dreaming if I cannot be with you. I wake and try to find a way to another.

But I cannot get away from us. Why are you still single? Always that question. Always the answer, “That’s complicated.” Hoping they let it go, hoping to allow you to know me better before most of my secrets come spilling out.

I suppose I could lie. That’s the logical thing to do. But I can’t betray your memory. I won’t lie. So they hear a tale of sadness and pain and depression and that’s no way to get a second or third date. Yes, date.

Netflix and chill is bullshit. Even if we get to the point where sex is involved, I’m going to refer to those nights as the nights we fuck. Or better, as scene’s. Give me some emotional connection or give me a paddle in my hand. Preferably both.

A proper date. With dancing, with music, with conversation.

Fuck! You can see how bad I am. I’m all over the place even just writing about looking for a relationship.

Just shortcut it. If you like me, read me, and call me SIR and mean it. We’ll get there. Roll the dice. Make a move. My caution comes from a good place, it’s not lack of assertiveness.

Or ask me to text you, apparently I’ll ramble on and on.

A story of us

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Let my words caress as I cannot
Asleep, on a blanket, beneath Autumn sky
No chance I’ll stop liking you, girl
You are never far from my thoughts
This cavalcade of days, needing you more
Days without you, not worth the time
An impossible hope coupled to impossible choices.

Thoughts on relationship hopes

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I have two scenarios in mind when I am with someone. There is the ideal. Which is that we are together and spend our lives in the band between content and happy. We express our love out loud and without reservation. We are words and deeds and compromise. I have no illusions that we won’t fight. But I hope we can get through the fights with grace. And find peace and passion in each other. I want the thousand little things that make up a life.

And the second scenario? I hope that we are honest with each other. That we both get what we need, for now. Even if we are not going to be in each other’s lives forever, I hope that we make each other’s lives better while we are. And when it ends I hope we part as friends and not enemies. There is enough pain in endings without adding bitterness and regret.

Snuffed out

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She stills my heart with the slightest look
Stirring my blood with a grin
Her words warm and light a fire within
But we are never to be

We danced the flame
The illusion
Only you were ever safe
With each step my heart cut to ribbons
To adorn you in my love

Pull away
Dragging the pieces of me out
Last attempt to get a stay
Execution and the pain
Sadly, better than the emptiness of never was

Shall I

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Sing to you of dreams and lies
Told to the self
to make it all bearable

Or shift focus to the fragile truth
Spun sand
Held in stasis
Waiting for the softest puff of air

An edifice of fantasy and glass
Shattered foundation
Drifting towards the threshing
Of can’t have and dare not

Words cast out
Beyond caution
Always a step beyond sense
Daring you to
Match me step for step

Passion writ large beyond sanity
Beyond the wary shroud
Of past mistakes

Rushing towards you
With a sharp shout and
A whispered word
….
“Always.”

Being single is bullshit

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If I am romantically interested in you, then you probably, bout 90% of the time, fall into one of these 3 categories.

1. Married.
I don’t know what vibe married men and women are putting out that I seem to latch on too but really? What the fuck? I always check for the ring. Men, wear the damn ring. Married to a man, married to a woman, whatever just wear the damn ring. Stop me from doing something embarrassing. Help me out. Women, same bloody thing! The reasons are generally different for not wearing it. But I don’t want to flirt for an hour then ask you out after buying you drinks and your response is to slip the ring on. That’s not cool.

2. Not interested in cismale.
Maybe when at a bar known as a gay bar, populated by gay men, don’t be the guy that came with his girlfriend because you are a jealous asshole and didn’t want her to be hit on but still wanted a vodka cranberry.
Am I referring to a specific incident? Maybe.

Outside of that, just say not interested. Please, by the gods just say not interested. It is the least embarrassing. And straight dudes, don’t try to swing at me. It doesn’t happen often, but it doesn’t end well for you. So just don’t.

3. In a relationship.
Again just turn me down. Thanks but not interested. The quick easy let down.

There is a 4th category. The ones who are single, begin dating me then for whatever reason they go back to their ex. Ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex husband, ex wife. I wouldn’t mention it but it’s become a trend.
Of those that tell me why, it seems to come down to, “I talk about love alot and that makes them think about love and the last time they felt that way and they start talking with the ex and the history comes rushing back.” That’s damn near a direct quote. From more than one person.

Being stupid (maybe)

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I think I read too much into a like or a comment. I read what is written and fall a bit in love with their words. I read their work and see an amazing person through their words. As a active writer and poet it is a real problem. Is what I am seeing real, is the pattern one with greater meaning? Or am I seeing things because I want to see them? I’ve gotten burned twice. One I walked into with eyes wide open knowing it would never work but wanting it more than sense.

The other I thought was real. Was something that might be something we were both looking for. The world stepped in, circumstances built and it ended, badly for me. I have no idea how she felt about it. Since, she walked away, blocked me out, seemingly without a second thought.

Now, I’m back in it. Seeing things that, maybe, aren’t true. But wanting it, and sort of dreading it at the same time. I have a bad track record.

Things I want

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Rasp
Shudder
Red blossom
Fades black
Green

Salt
Heat
Breathe held
Nerve fires
Languid

Words
Promises
Trust builds
Secrets kept
Hope

Emotional shotgun

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Would you want to kiss me if you knew I’d always want one more? One more taste of your lips or word from your tongue? One more unexpected laugh, one more, always one more, one more hour of your warmth mingled with mine, one more glimpse of you happy? Fool that I am, I think love is the point, to be honest and loyal, but so often cast off I begin to wonder, am I so boring to be caught by? Or is it that I sit in a holding pattern waiting for you to step to me as I would step to you? I’m just looking for some indication that it’s not all exhilaration of the chase. Something, I find so boring, to hunt and take. Say you are mine and I would take you, all madness and passion, it builds in me and never goes away. Or am I too strange, does the mad whirl drive you away?

I hang on to a ghost because at least the loss is real. Am I fighting so hard to find you and know you that it’s easier to disappear than confront me? I have to say, it’s a popular choice, though I never understand why they just don’t talk to me. I promise, I am unlike anyone you’ve met before. If you expect me to jump one way, you’re better off asking. I don’t change my mind on a dime, but I’ll always have an opinion. A man who talks about his feelings, brace yourself. Or worse, listens and can be persuaded by honest discourse. I know it’s hyperbolic but it’s still true. Perhaps I’m just too far from the norm? Someone who wants to know feelings and thoughts and day by day build a life? Who will share his thoughts and feelings and wants to commiserate not fix, necessarily. He must be some kind of witch burn him. I assure you I am neither a duck or a very small rock.

Maybe I’m just tired of spinning my wheels in the sand, trying to make butter. Or maybe it’s four AM and I am trying not to fall asleep, so I can keep myself from dwelling on memories. Or hopes.

Sometimes, all the time, I wish it was as easy as ‘I love you’, perhaps I should stop using a shorthand and say instead that I like, respect, and desire you. That I take how you may perceive my actions into account before I make a decision. Because I know it’s not just my needs, it’s yours and I’ll always want the best for you. Even if we fight, or argue, hurting you would be the last thing I would want to do. But we’re people so, it’s going to happen, I know. I don’t expect perfection, fuck, I don’t want perfection. How boring would that be if we could not surprise each other in good and bad ways?

I mean all this and more when I say I love you. Maybe it’s too much? Maybe it’s easier to play along, always with one foot out the door? Maybe I should explain what I mean by love?

Or is it that I always want that one step further? One more than you’re willing to give. But if you tell me, ‘You’ve gone to far.’ I’ll respect your hard limits. Just keep talking to me. I can’t know if you don’t say. I may guess, I may conclude. But if you tell me, I’ll know. Just say soft limit or hard limit. Honestly, BDSM done right is relationship jujitsu and I am a Master.

Anger opens the door

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I have defied gods and danced with devil’s
Drunk from the twin chalices of life and death
I have borne a blade into battle and shed blood
Watched friends rise and lovers fall
I have been darkness, been light, been shadow
I have see things history has forgotten and done things that would break your mind to know.

And you stand here trying to manipulate me. I am no mere child nor am I love struck. The niceties, the flow of words, the touch, the giving of time, these are the things I enjoy whilst in the throws of love and relationship. But when I wake? When the web of relationship no longer holds me? I am the other face. The cold face. I am the night given form, sharp, deep and full of hidden dangers. Manipulate me? You are a fool.