Thoughts

Anger opens the door

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I have defied gods and danced with devil’s
Drunk from the twin chalices of life and death
I have borne a blade into battle and shed blood
Watched friends rise and lovers fall
I have been darkness, been light, been shadow
I have see things history has forgotten and done things that would break your mind to know.

And you stand here trying to manipulate me. I am no mere child nor am I love struck. The niceties, the flow of words, the touch, the giving of time, these are the things I enjoy whilst in the throws of love and relationship. But when I wake? When the web of relationship no longer holds me? I am the other face. The cold face. I am the night given form, sharp, deep and full of hidden dangers. Manipulate me? You are a fool.

Wake up

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I don’t understand those who allow there lives to interfere with their love’s. Those who don’t spare the time to demonstrate or tell their love’s how beautiful, how precious they are. Why they allow the special state of having someone in their life become something that they take for granted.

Listen to them. Plan little things. Give little things just because. Make your life a celebration. Don’t take out your bad day on them. Be conscious of your actions and choices.

Believe me, it can all be gone in an instant. Everything you meant to do or say, do it now. Say it now. Tomorrow is an illusion. Each day is today.

If you are lucky enough to be with someone you love and, hopefully, like then demonstrate it. Don’t ask if they want help, just help. Be there in the moment with them.

This is the time to wake up. So, WAKE UP.

It’s 4 AM thinking

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In February, I stopped looking for love. I’d felt like I’d been through the relationship wars and just needed a rest. And they say that when you stop looking that’s when it finds you which I’ve always believed to be bullshit. But like lightning strike, I was hit, bowled over. And I thought maybe I was wrong. She said to me the one thing that melts all my defenses instantly. The think that fucks with my rational thinking. The thing that bypasses my mind and goes straight to my heart. I leapt over the precipice, knowing full well the likelihood of being caught. But she seemed to catch me. I’d like to think that for 2 weeks we were happy because the universe intervened. As it always seems to. I’m probably engaging in me centered thinking but every time I get close to having what I have been wanting, something intervenes and snatches them away from me. Almost always, some health related thing happens to the people I love. I don’t do anything to cause this, it’s not some fucked up self sabotage. But 4 people I love end up in hospital beds in the course of a year? Each time when we start getting past the preliminaries and begin to move in earnest. That’s too much for coincidence. It leads me to believe that I’m being messed with on a cosmic Greek gods capricious level. Or I am in a hell, where the one thing I desire is offered again and again and when it’s just within my grasp, they disappear like smoke. There are those that believe that the universe provides. I find that I and the universe seem to have a more adversarial role.

Pel and Sara 

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You may be expecting another installment of Pel and Sara.  However, I believe this is a good end point for this story.  I will need to figure where the next start point is before I write the next installment.  I will likely leave it up in its complete form for a week or so while I make a round or 2 of edits.  Then it will go up on Amazon.  All 3 Pel and Sara Stories will be packaged together and anyone who bought the book in the past should be pleasantly surprised by this new addition.  It is called Life’s Sensual journey by Anthony Glenn (that’s me). 

7 words to fall in love

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Your decisions, respectful of them, am I.
My passion is infinite concerning us, you.
Seeing you smile makes my world better.
Let’s joke and laugh and be silly.
While I hold breathe, you are safe
Love is infinity, you collapse the waveform.

If I say I love you…

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It is not worship. It is not idealization.
I see every person in reality as a human first. Flawed, with a set of base states. I start from flawed and build my picture of you from there.

I see you. I see your strengths. I see your weaknesses. I see your pain. I see your past. I see your desires. I see your needs. I see your hopes. I see it all. I want it all.

It is not idealization. It is acceptance. It is not worship. It is love(loyalty, respect, honor, joy, hope, elevation, desire).

It’s not me, it’s me.

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I’d find love if I could, but it eludes me, a fox before the hound, I lost my hunting party or they look but don’t understand what I’m searching for. So I look for someone who’ll submit but doing so recalls memories of people I’ve loved who fulfilled the role and lived in my heart. And I’m forced to ask if a little play, which given my nature can’t be for long, is enough.

Or am I overreaching? Looking for a future when I don’t have a now. And I say it’s simple to find sex for a night or a week because it’s always been so. Turn on the knowing smile and the eyes that hint of darkness and experience, don’t go looking and just enjoy the night. It’s inevitable but on waking, that was fun but empty. And I’ll have my day and you’ll have yours. We’ll be a fond memory and a little smile but soon lost to the weight of hours and days.

Those encounters never lead to much else maybe a month of fun until you’re fed up with me typing away or reading instead of the whirl of dance and drink when we met. I keep looking for more, looking for the person(s) who’ll make me smile, make me better, make me more.

It’s easy to say be enough on your own but I’ve been down that road and while I’m great, I want to break up with being alone. I just want to see other people.

Top 5 things I miss about being in a relationship

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1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.

2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.

3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.

4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.

5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.

Obsidian mirror

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I read, often, about the light that shines in the darkness. I don’t think I am such a light. Nor do I think I would want to be. There are plenty of people who blaze with light pushing back the darkness. No, I think such is not for me. Dealing with loss and pain, death, murder, and all the petty tyrannys of life in the vast depersonalization of modern society.

No, not for me to kindle light and eradicate darkness. Rather to take the darkness in. To become friends with it, lovers. To shine, but only reflecting back the light. That others may see themselves as I see them.

I will take the darkness. Make this my home. There is beauty here. Beauty in pain, in dark things done in dark places. You need not fit into the normal world, shining light for those afraid of the darkness. But show a obsidian mirror, showing the light they have already. Showing that they need not look to another to blaze the trail, instead that they themselves are the path.

Perhaps, I may shine, but in darker spectrum, for those to whom the light is not refuge but restraint. There are deeper paths, darker paths and often light is a hindrance more than a help.

Changes

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If I could change what I did in the relationship with you my goddess, I would only change this: I would have said something much sooner. I would have expressed my affection for you in late April. We may well have ended up in the same place as we are now. But we would have had a bit more than an extra month together. Maybe that is foolish. I can only imagine how much more pain I would be in after having more time with you and ending as it did, but the time I was with you, I felt like I was home. I can’t imagine being unwilling to pay the price for that little bit of extra time.