Can’t talk to you

All I’ve wanted to do was take care of you
Whether that was as a friend, a lover, or a Sir
That didn’t matter
Taking care of you makes me happy
Brings me joy
It’s not like it was one sided
I felt cared for too
Friends and a bit more
Real on your side do or die friends
I don’t understand what’s happening now
I know what’s happening, I just don’t understand it
That I can’t tell you these things hurts worse than feeling them
Maybe I’m the weirdo for accepting you into my heart with full knowledge that we may not be these things other than friends
But maybe that’s what love is

Dating and real relationships

The trouble with dating is that it happens under this pressure cooker of “this is a romantic relationship”. It’s very where are we going. When do we kiss, was that a signal, etc etc. Outside of Morgan, my best relationships have been a outgrowth of shared experiences and time. Sharing ideas and thoughts and time. Which is not to say that I didn’t fall a bit in love quickly, I mean, this is me we’re talking about but time and ease and talking (in whatever medium) that’s what makes a relationship go. Morgan was lightning but even there we spent hours talking before we ended up in bed and we spent so much time talking about everything.

Communication and time, these are the keys. (I’m glossing over kindness, respect, joy, etc because to me those are a given, an of course. Maybe that’s not the same for everyone? I get the feeling it’s not, from my friends experiences)

Love in the key of awkward 

There is this moment in every one of my days where my mind is drawn to the people I love. The people I’d be with but for distance or circumstance. My mind turns to them and I think of each. And I feel a different pain for each. If I’m depressed or falling that way then it turns my mood bleaker.

I’ll send out texts or emails or messenger to let them know I’m thinking about them. I rarely receive anything back. And when I do maybe I get a bit excited and overplay my hand, as it were, but it all comes from a place of love. It doesn’t have to be romantic love, though, really who am I kidding, it generally is. Most of my friends start out that way. It may become agapic but rarely from my perspective.

I’m weird. I know it. I’m looking for my weirdos to be with.

Those that see

That which is dream is more than dream
That which is hope is more than hope
These words are the only touch I have
And the passing time begins to break me

Those that are loved are more than loved
Those that are seen are never hidden
These thoughts keep me seeking
And the thought that I’m missing something begins to break me

Those that speak are more than words
Those that desire are more than hoped
These thoughts physically hurt me
And the pain of speaking is only exceeded by the endless silence

Thoughts on silence and sanity 

The fog clears as the days pass. As I exam my actions. When I am in the beginning throes of new relationship passion, I can be a lot to take. I’m passionate and attentive. But also nuts and needy. If we at least talk on a daily basis for about half an hour, I’m good. I can keep myself in the bounds of sanity. But if not, I can become overbearing in my need to be heard. To be seen in the relationship.

 The people I’m attracted to tend to value my intense passion but there is another side to that coin. And that other side is possessive and a little nuts. Of course, if we talk, I lose that edge of crazy. Maybe that is what is most disconcerting, the lack of consistency. I’m at fault for letting the train get away from me. In the silence, I fill the void with my every addled thought until the next communication and I calm for a time.

 Which is why I place such heavy emphasis on communication. I know I can get nuts. I want to minimize that. In some cases that’s not possible, due to circumstances, so a lot of understanding please. I’m not really that round the bend, as anyone who actually knows me can attest to. And when it is possible, do me the courtesy and yourself a favor and talk to me on the regular.

Goddess of My heart

I know there is something going on. I know there are things you’ve held back. Personal, possibly important things. I know it’s easier to just walk away. I know. I implore you. Take the harder road. Tell me the personal things, tell me the fears. Tell me what makes you feel like walking is the best choice. I can’t fix what I don’t know about. I can’t reassure you if I don’t know what is wrong. Talk to me. I’m here. My heart and mind are here for you. I’ve been through things, seen and experienced things. Let me be here for you. Let me help or just be here for you. Please, talk to me.

Maybe it was a error or mistake or something else. But please talk to me. My email is Please contact me

How not to be friends only

Why do men keep falling in love with you. Keep seeing more in the relationship than you do? Because you are intimate, you share your thoughts and ideas with them. Your pains. When they compliment you, you are flattered and with no sign that is unwanted, they take a step forward. They share things with you, things they don’t share with others and are rewarded with more of your attention. They ask you out, one on one, and you go, and they can feel the tension (if they are like me). They’ve said yeah, friends. I can do that but this friendship feels more intimate than their last three romantic relationships. And it develops from nothing to talking via text about odd things. Then sex talk comes up, and you don’t demure, which on its own is fine but coming with the intimacy it is confusing. Plus there is something about you that invokes my need to protect those that are mine. I start referring to you as mine coupled to a pet name, and I like it but for a friendship it’s too far. So I test the waters, I ask you if it’s too much. But you say you like it. So I keep using it. And each time I say it, and each time you smile when I do, I fall a little further. I, at least, talk about holding you. Sleeping, just sleeping and the feel of our warmth and comfort. Which say sounds nice. You are also intelligent and adorable, on top of all this. All together, we feel singled out like we are a part of your world.

Eventually, all the talk isn’t enough. Inevitably, I and others, want more. And we know that you are having sex, because you’ve told us. And told us details. So we know and given how emotionally intimate we are with you, want to take it further. Into a full blown romantic relationship. At which point, you blast them and me out of the water. You were just being friends, but friends in a way that no one is friends like. Not that quickly, not that intimate. That is why we not only fall in love with you but want a physical relationship. And for me I feel that your lovers are falling down on the job. And I know I could do so much better by you.

So that’s why this always happens, as you put it. You say friends but act much more intimately than mere friendship. You say friends but when they take romantic steps, you indicate that they should keep doing it. It is inevitable that they would want more of you.

So, if you want to be friends with someone. And only friends. This would work for me. Say this, “I don’t want a physical relationship with you. I don’t want sex of any kind. And while I like compliments and am candid about my life, that in no way indicates a desire for anything beyond buddies. If it seems I’m giving you signals, I’m not.” And of course, when I check in, as I did several times because I was seemingly getting those signals, you must shut me down there as well. I won’t be mad. Instead relieved to know where I stand.


So a little clarification:  I only fell so hard because of the come aheads I was given. I checked and rechecked in with her. I would never want to even edge into non-consent territory.  I was pretty damn sure that we had something by the time I said something to that effect.  3 months, of inching closer and checking in; maybe someone else wouldn’t have been as destroyed as I am/was, maybe someone else would have seen the game.  I didn’t and while she was correct that I was the only one in love with the follow on with the lamentation that this always happens to her, I think there is a conclusion that can be drawn that something she is doing is causing it.  I think it’s the intimacy and the closeness,  followed up by the come ahead actions that were allowed?   I mean would you let someone continuously, affectionately  call you My Little Winter Storm in french and not think that they wanted a romantic relationship with you?

Golden age

I love this world. For all of it’s flaws, it is a unique opportunity. We are connected in ways we have never been connected. I can learn from the scholars of the past and present easily,without the barrier of the need to travel to them.

And people are opening up about their innermost thoughts and sharing it with the world wide. Most people have one or two profound thoughts rattling around. It could be the same thought for many but the phrasing could be slightly different and that will click with you. You’ll learn something, something you never knew or thought about. Something, even 50 years ago would have required riches or power to access.

We live in an age of wonders. And not just the obvious of flight. Though flight and more importantly it’s availability as a tool for relatively inexpensive and quick travel, have a profound effect.

Think about this, for most of history we have been limited by what we could know. What the people around you know and maybe what the people in the next town over know. Information traveled slowly if at all. And with information comes connection.

I know things about the world in a casual way that, in the past, would have been the sole provenance of scholars. Think about this, most people where I live own a mode of transportation that allows them to travel vast distances in a short amount of time. It would be like if all the people in 18th century London owned a horse. And I do mean all.

We live in a fast and wonderful world. One I stand in awe of every day. The vast sweeping change that we have accomplished and the speed at which this change is sweeping forward. It’s not a perfect world, but as long as we move forward, it’s getting there. Maybe not in this lifetime, but there will be wonders.

Take some time to appreciate the opportunity we have, living in the free first world. Unprecedented access to art and science and more importantly each other than has ever been possible. Some of the best people I know live in Finland, Sweden, Denmark, England, Australia and more.

I’ve never met them in person but we talk daily. Mostly about games or entertainment but occasionally about the innermost workings of our minds. These are people I would never have met otherwise and with whom I feel connected. We live in a golden age. Take advantage of it.