Pelgris

I think we all get to the point where we don’t like where we are in life but don’t see any way out of it. Basically, I just want to read and be with the people I love but I can’t. And it’s the same reason for most problems at this level. Namely, money. If I had started saving/investing 20 years ago I would be in a different position. I would be able to see light at the end of tunnel. And it wouldn’t be another train. But, as it stands, unless something breaks my way in some kind of sustainable way, I’m stuck.

I used to have writing as a way of processing and as a possible way out. Yeah, we’ve all seen where that got me. Occasionally published poems, a ebook no one buys or reads and minimal traffic to the audio story I worked on for over 2 years.

I stopped publishing 3 times a week because I was burnt out. But, its 2 years later and I’m still burnt out and I have to consider that this is just life now.

I spent years climbing out of a deep hole of depression and never considered how to live once I was out.

What I found was that I had time traveled 10 years. Time travel the long way. I’d lived those years but they weren’t mine. Not wholly. They were depressions.

There aren’t a lot of laughs in my life now but there also aren’t alot of bleak emptiness days either.

Sometimes I miss that depression. Which is fucked up. But it was familiar. I knew how to handle it. How to cope. I was used to the stress. To the impending doom. That razors edge.

My new normal…I have no blueprint for. And what I had hoped for at the top of that deep well, just manifested as this exceedingly normal life.