I look to you as succor to my pain
For who am I but yours
Though discarded on distant shores
Made weird and glimmer
Sounds filter through memory
Like the distant slow ringing of bells
But to you is where my thoughts turn
Fools to seek what was lost
A drowning and drunk dream
Knowing only the cracks as it comes
a broken memory
spins at the edge of my heart
cutting away pieces
saying what might have been
blood spilling from mouth
so bound up
in the screaming of my heart
I barely hear you say hello
I want to hear you
When I first talked with her it was through comments on a thing I wrote. That happened more and more until I felt I was getting to know her. Then I said I was falling for someone and she knew though I didn’t say that it was her. We started talking in earnest and it seemed to be going well. Then tragedy struck and we seemed to be getting through that. I was right on the verge of saying, “We need to meet in person.” And as I was typing that to her, I found myself blocked. She’d ghosted me. I was destroyed. Beyond destroyed, devistated.
My friend helped me pick up the pieces. It took 4 months before I wasn’t I complete mess. Then as my life got back to something resembling good, she messaged me. Out of the blue. Explaining and apologizing. I’d let her go. Let the pain go.
I was with someone which ultimately fizzled and now we’re just friends.
And after it fizzled we allowed each other back into our lives. And it was good. Not like it was but still really good. But now she’d push me away and I’d not let her. I’m not a idiot, I saw what was happening and I don’t want, didn’t want to let her go.
Then she came to me completely rational and told me that she couldn’t be with me and work through what she needed to work through.
I said ok. I said it more eloquently than that but that’s what I said. What else could I say?
I would do anything for her and if the thing I could do was leave her to heal on her own without me, then of course I had to let her go.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her. Or, if I’m not with anyone, would not want to be with her. I still think about her all the time. I used to dream that I slept by her side. Those dreams are gone.
I would never have left her if she didn’t request it. Life is the stupidest rigged game you’ll ever participate in. Even if you think you know what is happening, you never really do.
So I took this down, put it up, took it down, I edited it, life….it sucks.
In mid afternoon I retreat
In a quiet house
I soaked in the sun
Heat sinking deeply
I hold my hands flung out
And for a moment
You are there with me
I sit in a garden waiting for it’s owner to come back.
She who causes my heart to soar and bleed with her words.
I wait, because this place is hers and someday, she may come back
I wait, because my heart demands I walk in its rows and amidst it’s ripening and look out
over the horizon to see her coming back.
I close my eyes and remember.
Kissed by the sun, blessed by the wind and the lightly falling rain.
I’ll keep coming by. Watering the plants. Talking as if you were there. always hoping that I’ll turn around, and you’ll be there.
But I fear, this garden and the words you shout, are all I have left.