Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand

Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see

The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired

Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me

But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack

And sleep
Too little
Too late

They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced

Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?

To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost

Resonant on the frequency of attenuation

Listening to the background hum
Silence an impenetrable barrier
Hear the rush of blood
Muted cotton closing in
Numb
One too many traumas
Like shock but with less bemusement
Everything normal saying it’s anything but
Something shattered can be mended
Something broken can be healed
Gilt gold edges fixing cracks
But missing,
Or dust and shadows
Complicated makes one long for false rainbows of simpler times
False memories easier than this sound
Of nothing

What a step on the road may herald

What words do I speak when all words turn about and about to face towards you
like power lines running beneath the surface carrying me forwards
Dying on the vine for the sound of a voice
But choose and choose again,
You are no passing indulgence or forward desire but vital to all
Just a pill and a show and a soul laid bare
Found alive, at the start, at the end
Of long journeys beginning

To linger too long

We all see it looming
The Herald of dawn’s breathe turning
The task undone
The words not spoke
Counterpoint, spoke too much
Our regrets pile on pile
Against Dwindling hopes
Until hope is lost
And only the dull rust of the blade
Thrust haphazard into flesh remains
As well to walk into the sun
Rise or Set
Head high
Choices made
Last turn of the wheel
Made by one’s own hand

Reckless healer

I miss romantic love as much as I miss that blissful period when I loved only myself.
A brief time after forgiveness of things beyond my control leading up to the swooping vultures of this guy’s interesting to play with.
Or in thinking that my heart is genuinely filled and cutting it open like a pomegranate to drip seeds down hungry throats.
The pain a substitute for reciprocity
Until, woken I ask for clarification
And
In so doing
Find myself to have been alone
Or instead with pale spectre as companion
Try to shove a heart dripping juice
Never quite full again
Into a chest grown to small
Instead hold in hands
Hoping to find sharing
Or,
At last
For inflammation to cool
The swelling goes down
And fits back in chest
Or to lament that fact
Can’t make you want
More than this distance
To be admired
And loved from
Space removed
So much easier to go quiet
To fade
When I no longer see you
And the blade no longer sinks home with each smile aimed away

Hearts still foolish, even as they break

There’s a part of me that will always yearn for you
though I know you don’t think of me
a part that always wonders what if
though I’m not who you want to see
a part that spins the possibility
though you’re already walking away
a part made of hopes and memories
though it was never me in your eyes

A madness, a sharpness, a bitter kiss

Loved hard, loved true, loved only

Sitting on a bench at the edge of the road
In the last light of sunset