personal

Thin flash of blue before the light goes out

PelgrisLeave a comment

When we have strived for so long without forward momentum, there must come a time of reflection. A time to reevaluate goals. Part of this process must be the deep examination of motivation towards your goal coupled with the cost of achieving that goal. Because, make no mistake, there is always a cost.

And if the cost is more than you are willing to pay, then a course correction, however minor, is in order. It’s not necessary to tear or break anything. But it neccesary that kindness and honesty be the rule. We owe, at least to ourselves these traits. Even to an enemy or opponent, these are owed. Even if the action is dire, honesty and kindness can play a role.

It should be acknowledged that these twin virtues are for yourself. In acting on a course correction it is easy to hurt or cause hurt. If you move with kindness, you will know that it is the least amount of change needed to make your change and to cause the least damage. If you move with honesty, then you will know that the action was neccesary.

And the neccesary thing is the hardest ethic to adhere to.

Thoughts on The Tarot

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I’ve never been a fan of astrology. Not for the purely scientific reasons but because it attempts to translate the universe on the large scale and narrow it to the small. This makes its predictions necessarily broad and vague. Plus instead of giving information it tells me why something rather than what or how. If I’m answering why then I look to science or Intuition. Why is an internal journey outside of definitive questions and answers should be sought in the same vein.

Instead, I prefer the Tarot. Which is not to say that I allow such a thing to dictate course and action. Instead it is a tool. A way of looking outside through a internal lense. The Tarot uses Jungian archetypes or rather Jung used archetypes found in the Tarot.

An archetype as spiritual tool can be thought of as a embodiment and a filter. It moves and changes but it does so within a defined structure. In many ways an archetype could be considered to be a piece of the collective unconscious made manifest by our desire to know. This embodiment is never more obvious than in the tarot.

Why the discussion of divination techniques?

Because I favor the Tarot, I draw a blind card each night and have it interpreted.
Tonight it tells me to be careful in my interactions because the effects of them may snowball or be magnified. That even a compliment may grow beyond my capacity to contain it. To which I thought, well though, that’s what I want.

I want to say something and have it grow. I want to pay a compliment that blooms into so much more. And telling me to watch my words… Well most of the time I am very conscious of my words.

But I appreciate the check. Sometimes I go so far beyond what people are ready for that I do more harm than good.

And, I can be cruel when bored. Another thing I try to channel. Cruelty has its place. As does kindness. Though I weight towards the romantic, there are all kinds of romance and I’m flexible in the expression.

Absence

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I feel like, nothing
Just numb
I knew we were paused
No, I hoped we were paused
I tried to go on living as if nothing had happened
As I said I would
But I couldn’t
Couldn’t let her go
Couldn’t not think about her
Until, I sent her a message.
Honestly I sent her several but the first one was too much and the second was me acknowledging that
But the third, the third was simple
“I miss you”
I didn’t expect anything back
But I couldn’t just let her go
And the reply,
“Don’t”
Don’t miss her. How could I not?
I don’t want to miss her. I want to be with her. But, I don’t think that is what she means.
And I want to just feel something, other than
Just numb
But I don’t know how
Maybe tomorrow

Some information

Pelgris6 Comments

The simple fact is that I can be a hard man to get to know. The superficial things all speak to a deeper need that I am unlikely to share willingly, without resentment, early on. And I lead with my heart. If I can see you, be around you regularly, then I can temper the desires, the passions, that burn through me.

Fires you are unlikely to note at first. My face is schooled. My expressions minute. I smile but only when ecstatic. Otherwise, note the crinkly around my eyes. That’s me smiling. If I’m nervous, I can seem cold and distant, especially if I don’t know what you want.

If you want to take things physical, tell me. My consent meter is dialed to 11. If there is not clear, often verbal, consent I will not act. I will not touch you without your consent. If you say no, or stop. I will immediately back off.

I tell few stories about the past. I can talk for days about fictional characters or what and who I’m writing, but a funny anecdote is unlikely. Tell me your stories, I’ll listen. I want to hear them all. I’ll try to share relevant details of my own. I have a sense of humor but it’s dark and I’m more given to the one liner or double entendre than a joke.

I love hard. And will never let you go in my heart. But I will let you go, if that is your desire. I want the people I love to be happy. If that’s not with me, I’ll be sad, but I prefer you to be happy. Just talk to me. Allow me the opportunity to sway you, or the dignity to let you go.

I am a BDSM switch, predominantly master. That is a part of who I am. It is not a game I play. If you are a submissive, I will treasure you. I rule through pleasure, care and love. We all have our own speeds, teach me yours. I’m flexible.

I’ve done things, been places, met people. I’ve been around the block. I will surprise you, if you allow that you don’t know how I will react. Very often, it’s not how you would expect.

State of the Union

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In my bright eyed youth, I was a less than good person. I did things. Profitable morally questionable things. But I’ve never been one for morals. Ethics and honor, sure, but common morality never held my interest.

But even that ended and when my interest in the lifestyle if not the money began to wane, Morgan found me drinking a rum and coke at a club. She took me back to her place and we fucked. It wasn’t making love or anything controlled. It was pure animal need. But for some reason I felt drawn to her. So it wasn’t just sex, it was something else.

But I didn’t think that at the time. I kept going back to her and I always told myself it was just sex. Until it became evident it wasn’t. You can only spend so many nights holding each other and talking before you are forced to acknowledge that you just want to be with them. Morgan had an interest in Dominance and Submission, and in pain. In BDSM parlance she was a pain slut. It is not an insult. She gloried in it.

I became her top and over the course of a year or so, her Sir. It had gotten to the point where I could see spending my life with her. Until that September morning that took her from me. You can read about that elsewhere.

So I had become a Dominant. And in controlling others in that context had found a measure of peace. But with Morgan’s death came a bleak sadness that would persist for years. The anger and sadness made me a dangerous top and I came right to the edge of control a few times. In those years, I hooked up with an old friend from my life pre-Morgan.

Eric began pulling me out of the darkness. And through his love, I found the strength to keep going. I also found that being a top was not all that I was. With Eric, I felt safe. I didn’t want to be in control all the time and with him I learned Submission. We were happy for a time but he was unwilling to stay in one place and wanted a 24/7 Sub. Which I am not. I finally asked if he would stay with me. He wasn’t and we parted.

So I wasn’t a full time Dominant and I wasn’t a full time Submissive, so what was I? Was it just play to me? No, I enjoy the psychological aspects too much for it to be just play. So after some research and searching my heart, I find myself a Switch. And that fits comfortably. But I also found that play relationships and even long-term sub or dom relationships were not wholly what I wanted.

So what did I want. What was missing? That’s right. The thing I denied with Morgan, and that which I wanted but never fully realized with Eric. Love. And all that entails. So began my search and I thought I found it several times and each time I was wrong. Then all unaware, writing my poetry and stories, a heart was reading and opening. Scattered comments and likes and this person was always on my mind. I am and was disappointed when they wouldn’t comment but would like what I wrote. I always want to know why, why something is liked.

And when she would comment it was like a sunburst. And I knew, I was falling in love. I started really paying attention and at the last confessed the state of my emotions and very much to my surprise found my affection returned. So after years of searching, she found me. Like lightning from a clear blue sky. I don’t know what the future holds, can’t know it.

But Goddess of my heart, I love you. It has been a long journey and now that we’ve found each other I am profoundly grateful to whatever gods or spirits intervened, if any did. Or just the spinning chance of the cosmic wheel. In any case, my Cha’trez, you have me. All that I was, all that I am, until the stars burn out in the sky. Until the universe collapses, and even then my love for you will exist.