When is a decision not and instead a cell, open door afraid to walk through

Mind tendrils reaching out
Never quite touching the ones I’ve loved
Words caught in throat
Thinking not to impose
Not to make known
Thoughts always seeking
Still there?
Still living
Never cared for the holidays
Feeling hypocritical asking how you spent it
As if those minutes of minutia excuse the month or more of silence
Time stretches
Stories left untold
Wishing even the scritch of the pen would come
When sound catches throat
But even there
The hesitation grows

Wanting to say
I love you
Not that it matters
Stretching out just to say hi
But failing
Happy Thanksgiving?
Cast instead
Voice to the ether
That it be just as lost as I

Fuck fuck fuck

No words
Churning gut of worry
Wondering if you are ok
If you are hurt
If you need help
And can’t say
You say that it’s fine
But the word choices aren’t you
And the worry ratchets up
Are you under duress
Or is it some mood I haven’t seen
I’m inches away from doing something foolish
Or brave
You can never tell which
Until after

Can’t talk to you

All I’ve wanted to do was take care of you
Whether that was as a friend, a lover, or a Sir
That didn’t matter
Taking care of you makes me happy
Brings me joy
It’s not like it was one sided
I felt cared for too
Friends and a bit more
Real on your side do or die friends
I don’t understand what’s happening now
I know what’s happening, I just don’t understand it
That I can’t tell you these things hurts worse than feeling them
Maybe I’m the weirdo for accepting you into my heart with full knowledge that we may not be these things other than friends
But maybe that’s what love is

Acknowledge my own culpability

I knew
I knew it would be complicated going in
I knew that the road was treacherous
I knew that it could hurt
I knew all this
And still
I took the chance regardless the possibilities
I took your words into my heart
I took steps towards you
I took this agony
And still
I wait, despite the pain in my heart and head
I wait, in this dark silence of screams
I wait, knowing your hearts worth
I wait, I am your person

I do not walk away

Sometimes, I’m an idiot

My work these past few days
Seems laser focused on my own pain
But I realize I’ve not been seeing the bigger picture
Because of circumstances
Neither of us feel in control of
We sit in virtual silence
Words half said
Caged in other talk
Songs half sung but never at full volume
I’ve been shredding myself
Never thinking how that made you feel
It wasn’t done out of malice
I assure you
Any pain I inflicted
Was as unintentional as the butterfly
Causing the hurricane
So I apologize here
And hope that you see it
Though I can’t know
But you are my person
I won’t forget again

Sways the leaf

Heavy pulls
Fear bends
Take me in your arms
Hold me
I think

Until the moment we touch
And blend together
Strength to strength
Burn and build
Until conflagration

You are my forge fire
In you I am remade
In you I grow endurance

I burn away impurities
Shoring up

Sunshine and bird calls
Wind and heat
In the lonely afternoon
Without you

Wake me when it’s over

Heartbeat settles in
Air heats in closed car
Silence and the soft
Shhhhhhh of passing cars
Distance making sounds soft
Flesh and blood and bone
The heart beat echos
As empty chambers
Hands lose focus
Mind slips away from consciousness
Jerking back
Dreams twist
Knowing that I’m losing her
Somehow unable to right the ship