Distant song waking, into silence

Shifting against
Nude body splayed over
Head on shoulder
Hand captured
Fingers in mouth
Eyes rise
Electric connection
Desire and love blossom
Straddle and guide
Hand firm
Souls and bodies entwine
Heat
Lush
Lips devour
Tasting her
Her hand over heart
Pressing
Draping
Pulse spreads
Inside
Draws ragged gasps
Soft sound

Startled I wake
Eyes open
Scent of her lingers on still air
But I know she’s distant
Never was
Maybe never be
Still
Dreams and hearts
Connected
Desirous
Distance
Of little consequence
A choice away
Wishing I knew
What path lead to you

What is wanting in the surity of her savage kiss

Some thoughts violate pleasures
Some boil and seethe looking for fertile ground
Waiting to grow flowers which bloom blossoms heavy with blood
Dark ponders
Desire wars with decency
Losing and winning
Who can tell when the lash falls
Split grin
All the horror of imagination
Given freedom
By a Whispered
Yes
By the knowledge
Her only limit
How far I’m willing to go

If words were wings, I would fly

Every day, several times a day, I walk past my cat Sammy and I say, “I love you buddy, I love you Sammy.” And I mean it and I say it all the time.

But

Until I walk over and pet him. Until I spend time with him it’s not real to him.

I can’t help but feel like this is the same for the people I’ve met and fallen in love with long distance. That my words are nice but are ultimately ephemeral nothings despite how I feel. Despite the emotional impact I’ve been told that they have.

I feel like, until we meet and touch, that the reality of each other will always be at that distant remove of maybe but not real.
I wish I could say that I don’t feel that remove. But I do. As fear that actually meeting me will drive you away. It’s, perhaps irrational but fears are like that.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to say. Maybe just that somewhere distant, where our hearts and minds were captured, perhaps we each wait for the possible

Or maybe I’m just a hopeless dreamer

When is a decision not and instead a cell, open door afraid to walk through

Mind tendrils reaching out
Never quite touching the ones I’ve loved
Words caught in throat
Thinking not to impose
Not to make known
Thoughts always seeking
Touching
Seeing
Still there?
Still living
Never cared for the holidays
Feeling hypocritical asking how you spent it
As if those minutes of minutia excuse the month or more of silence
Time stretches
Stories left untold
Wishing even the scritch of the pen would come
When sound catches throat
But even there
The hesitation grows

Wanting to say
I love you
Not that it matters
Stretching out just to say hi
But failing
Happy Thanksgiving?
No
Cast instead
Voice to the ether
That it be just as lost as I

Fuck fuck fuck

No words
Churning gut of worry
Wondering if you are ok
If you are hurt
If you need help
And can’t say
You say that it’s fine
But the word choices aren’t you
And the worry ratchets up
Are you under duress
Or is it some mood I haven’t seen
I’m inches away from doing something foolish
Or brave
You can never tell which
Until after

Can’t talk to you

All I’ve wanted to do was take care of you
Whether that was as a friend, a lover, or a Sir
That didn’t matter
Taking care of you makes me happy
Brings me joy
It’s not like it was one sided
I felt cared for too
Friends and a bit more
Real on your side do or die friends
I don’t understand what’s happening now
I know what’s happening, I just don’t understand it
That I can’t tell you these things hurts worse than feeling them
Maybe I’m the weirdo for accepting you into my heart with full knowledge that we may not be these things other than friends
But maybe that’s what love is

Acknowledge my own culpability

I knew
I knew it would be complicated going in
I knew that the road was treacherous
I knew that it could hurt
I knew all this
And still
I took the chance regardless the possibilities
I took your words into my heart
I took steps towards you
I took this agony
And still
I wait, despite the pain in my heart and head
I wait, in this dark silence of screams
I wait, knowing your hearts worth
I wait, I am your person

I do not walk away
Ever