Waking from a dream at 4AM

My heart whispers to me, “wouldn’t it be amazing if she comes to us today and says ‘I know you have tickets to the Symphony, why didn’t you invite me’
to which we reply ‘You know why.  I am in love with you and I can’t be around you without that knowledge.  It would be disingenuous of me to ask you to go without you knowing that I want more than just friends.  It’s painful to be around you on anything but that.  Are you saying you want to explore whether you have or could fall for me?’
then she would say ‘I’m not sure’  uncertainly, and we would reply ‘
what are you not sure of? I can only promise what I did all those months ago.  That I will do my level best to not hurt you.  That I will always be honest with you.  That I will do anything I can to help you in whatever endeavor you choose to give try to. ‘
and she will look at us with hope and say’ that’s what I want’.”

My brain looks at my heart for a long minute as my heart smiles and fidgets with nervous energy.  My brain says “Gods love you, that is a beautiful scenario you have there.  But you Must know, it’s not going to happen.  She doesn’t have the courage to come to us under those circumstances, and she has made it clear as mud that she’s not interested in us in that way.” My heart replies, earnestly, “But it could happen.” To which my brain just shakes his head. 

And this is why I wake and my heart hurts.  Because it cannot let her go and I love here enough to forgive and move on past nearly anything.  It gets easier to bear the pain of not being with her.  Of not talking daily, of not being what we were and what we could be.  The pain becomes just a part of my daily burden.  But my heart still hopes.  It is a fool.  I’m a fool for having some part of me that thinks this might happen.  But that part is beautiful, even if he is a fool.

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