Thoughts

Thoughts on BDSM and writing

Pelgris3 Comments

A BDSM scene is a thing talked about by all parties. I will ask what you want out of the scene. What you absolutely will not do(hard limits). What you may want to do but are afraid of (soft limits). What you do want.

I will state my intentions for the scene. We will agree on restraints if any. What toys are off the table. What the timetable will be. If marks are allowed. If pain is desired. Nothing is left to chance.
We will go over the safe words. We will make sure that we know where any medicine or other paraphernalia is. Asthma inhalers and such.

24/7 is different from a scene. 24/7 is what is depicted in my stories. It means a integration of normal life. And scene. One moment we’re paying bills and the next you are pushed up against a wall being eaten out, begging for permission to orgasm.

But it’s the same in the way that every facet is discussed beforehand. And after there is a discussion of what worked, what didn’t, what do we want more of. There is cuddling and holding. Treating of any hurts. Aftercare.

I view BDSM as being 100% present. In the moment! Seeing us both for who we are and our desires both.

Scene play is all about the physical and mental pleasure.

24/7 incorporates the emotional which makes the rest work.

I request comments. If you prefer, I demand them.

BDSM is as varied as the participants involved. To see it as all one thing would be a mistake.

A nightmare

Pelgris5 Comments

So my brain finally figured out something that would scare me and not trigger one of my subconscious tripwires. Which draw me into a lucid dream should a nightmare prove too scary.

It was pretty typical weirdness. A pharaoh brought back to life, filming a movie and not being friends with the extras who didn’t want to be friends with us anyway. A house party, and a snowstorm.

Then I receive a email. A email chronicling the manipulations of the person I’m in love with. The person who (in the dream) is manipulating me. Screwing with my head just because she can. Laughing about how she got my trust. Got into my life. About how utterly foolish I am. About how she got access to my wordpress account.

About my wordpress account being scoured of content.

I rush to check it and I’m locked out. I reset my password and get in and everything is gone. The account isn’t deleted. But everything is gone. Just this barren shell of everything I’ve written and worked on for more than 3 years.

Then I forced myself awake and it was one of those times where I kept waking but not up, just into another dream. Making it particularly horrible.

The things I miss

Pelgris6 Comments

Your voice, whispering softly in my ear.
Your smile, like the sun coming out.
Your eyes flashing grey in sudden anger
The look in your eyes, saying Sir
Dressed to the nines dancing with abandon
Holding you after you spoke with family
Public displays of affection and your blush.

These 7 words for seven things that I miss.
11 years, 4 months, 11 days.

But there are those who are here that I love. But I’ll never be over her. I hope that’s OK.

Evil is as evil does

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The goodness of a person is expressed in the actions they take and the way that they treat others. Who they are in their heart matters but if they take no action that echos that then it doesn’t matter.

A person who is evil that does good works has brought good into the world.

A person who is good who does evil works has brought evil into the world.

I don’t think it is as black and white as that but it behooves us to see ourselves by this criteria as well as others.

And to check in with ourselves to make sure we are acting as we desire and that those we associate with are as well. For instance, I love my father. But I must acknowledge that the man I grew up with has faded and been replaced by a dogmatic extreme right leaning person. I don’t think in his heart he is evil. But his choices and speech say otherwise.

February 14th

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Valentine’s day. A day supposedly to demonstrate love to your partner(s). To plan something elaborate. I’m even writing a story based on Valentine’s day. Though that is more about celebrating the more social normative things while existing and living in nonnormative lifestyle. To use it as a excuse for play and special rather than the one or two days a year that people keep as special.

That is the rub. Valentine’s day is one of possibly 3 days a year that it is expected to be special. And most people leave it at that.

That is my problem with it. I may do something special because in our USA society it is ingrained and even if you don’t like it, not doing something is disappointing. But I don’t enjoy being forced into it.

I like romantic gestures and gifts. I like planning scenes or nights out. Writing poems or stories only you will ever see. I consider it vital that any partner of mine is cherished and knows, not just intellectually but bone deep that I love them.

And in a relationship that is all of the little things and small moments compounded by larger gestures.

I guess I just don’t like to be told this is the day you will know my affections. Plus I think the gifts and gestures should be throughout the year. No specific day should be needed for you to know how they feel.

I have friends who are in problematic relationships and while I don’t intervene because doing so would only cause resentment what I’m thinking is this: They made a big gesture when it was socially expected that they would but how do they treat you day to day, how do they demonstrate their love?

Note: Not abusive, problematic. Abusive and I don’t care if they end up hating me, I’ll take action.

Awake, aware, aflame

Pelgris1 Comment

I wake up at 2 AM most nights. No matter when I go to sleep, BAM, 2AM and I’m awake. It’s not too bad, I suppose. I get time to write. But my mind isn’t drifting to writing lately.

I wake, but my still sleeping brain reaches for you. I’m convinced that not being able to touch you; not being able to bury my face in your neck and smell you. Not being able to kiss your spine and murmur, “Mine.”

Not being able to do that, because you are not here with me, wakes me fully. My mind missing you, my body straining for you.

If I’m being honest, I have this image of you waking next to me, snuggling back into me as I kiss you and we move on to less gentle pursuits as I possess your every nerve ending, until you are floating in pleasures.

Not that we would not have been with each other before sleeping but I wake up with a need for less control and more take what I want.

These are my thoughts lately. 2AM without you.

Solitude amidst the crowd

Pelgris6 Comments

To be, nothing more
to experience, not expect
to feel, not need
to desire, not burn
to be at peace but not peaceful
to love, but not envy.

Life itself shapes us. Molds us into the image of our fears and lusts. It breaks us when we resist and washes us downriver when we give way. The only thing we can control is ourselves. We can choose to see the world as it presents itself or look deeper and seek. We can choose the branches our lives will take. Even when choice itself and our path shows as a single road we are allowed the freedom to control how we walk it. Ultimately, the only thing we have is our minds and ourselves. But this does not mean that we must walk our roads alone.

Musings of a hard working writer

Pelgris7 Comments

Do you ever sit back and think, “Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Every time I finish a story or a project, I sit down and think about what’s next. The last project is the past. I’ll direct people to it. But in my head, it’s over and I’m thinking about what is next. And I’m freaking out. Because I don’t know what comes next. I have no idea what I’ll write. And after a year and a half of writing and recording, I am either done or I just don’t know where the story goes from here. And I honestly don’t know which scares me more. That I’m done or that I have no idea what I’m doing next.

It’s not writer’s block. I wish it was. That I can work through. It’s idea block. That’s all I need. An idea.

There’s the Pel and Sara story and a poetry compilation I want to put together. But what from there?