What odd things do you find romantic?

You ever wonder about the weird things that you find romantic? Like for me, its having the same sleep schedule as me. It seems like something so small but it means that when you get tired, I do and vice-versa. Which means we get ready for bed and go to sleep at the same time. Which means we’re awake and can have time together at the same time.

Now, maybe that’s weird but my sleep schedule is a split one. I tend to sleep at about 8-10pm for about 4 hours. Then I wake up for a few hours then sleep for 2-3 hours. It works for me but its odd.

If someone were to have the same sleep schedule it would open up whole worlds. We could go exercise together. We could watch a movie or read or play a game. Because those small hours between sleep seem like stolen ones. Like they exist outside of the normal day to day and can be used for things that aren’t normal. Those hours exist in a gray area and can be used for whimsy rather than normal.

Existing outside the standard day diurnal cycle is hard. Maybe I just find those hours lonely and wany to share it.

Sleep’s ellusion

That first step
Getting into bed
So comfortable but
My mind draws me out instead
Won’t simply rest
Reminding me that sleep
Might as well be dead
But life has its moments
Those times when extreme comfort combine
With anxiety
Talking about having to go to work
To interact
And my brain
Instead of the sleep I know will help
Instead throws out these things like reading
Like playing games
Like taking apart my fan to clean the motor
All to keep the anxiety at bay
Worst coping mechanism
It causes me harm to follow its prescribed treatment
So why am I still awake
Instead of drifting
Can’t sleep when tomorrows just a few hours
I miss the days when I knew that by waking up and going to work I’d be with someone I loved
Not because I miss the relationship
But that balm of sleeping, in a rush to get to the next day
I miss that
Instead
I have tomorrow
Another day without succor
Another day without you

Beyond the shores of Lethe

Sleep is the one thing in this world which seems genuinely good anymore
And it’s not that there are not elements of the waking world which I love
Rather it is the ecosystem of everything which surrounds us which is so perverse and broken that only in sleep do I feel free

I slide into bed and cool sheets greet me
The most comfortable pillow I’ve ever owned
Which I bought from a small local shop which I hope weathers this storm
Because I also get my beds from them
Beds that are called insidious
Because they are deceptively comfortable and lure you into deep sleep
I pull the blanket given to me by the woman I love across me, snuggling down in her distant embrace
And I slip from this abomination of a world into another
Perhaps just my own mind
Or perhaps a shard reality made real only for me
Still, sleep takes in another lost soul
Hoping that dreams become refuge for a weary heart
And when I wake
It is always with reluctance
For dreams and sleep
Is the last refuge we have

The blade draws its sigil

Skip time
Nightmare to nightmare
Hour to hour
Waking up to an empty bed
Staring at the clock
Each hour sliding past
Waking again and again
Each moment furthering from you
That nightmare which makes waking seem paradise
Confessions made to the empty air
Tears shed in agony
Refuge broken
Sleep fades
Time to get up
Time to cast against the wheel
Made to love
Made to break

Brain burns without hope of tomorrow

There is a distance as warm lethargy drags me down. Cupped hands hold, eyes shielded from the light
Loud voices drift in
Talking nonsense loudly
As if to convince their last neurons of their spent future parody of truth
Mind fades
Dreams spin up
Nightmare into nightmare
Anxiety dreams
Wake on the hour
But at least I can sleep this time

Bone deep sorrows melt into flesh

I had this counter in my mind.
Number of days since last screaming cry
Turned over back to zero
Not really counting the days but my body is.
The tension floods out even as the pain wells
And finally, wrung out, blurry eyed
Fall into sleeps embrace

A day alone sleeping
No battery recharge
A resting hum
Fading into dream
Hopefully
At last
A life of love
If only in a dream
Temporary
As all things are

Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand

Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see

The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired

Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me

But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack

And sleep
Too little
Too late

They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced

Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?

To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost

Stiff knee soliloquy

You’ll never be here watching me sleep
Days passing by
Cuddled under my raven blanket
Sad songs singing through my bedroom
You’ll never see my hand kneed the soft cat sleeping next to me
The rise and fall
Breathing in and out
Never see my arm hugged around a pillow
Thrown wide at an odd angle
Remembering what it was to sleep near another
Never know that my dreams are of you
And when I wake
To music and white stucco ceilings
Tears and absence will be my companion
And a cat and penguin
And words
Said into silence