When I feel the fear perching in the back of my chest
tongue lolling out of gargoyle visage
heart pumping adrenalin darts
I lean in
embracing the pain and fall.
This hot prickle constricting air in lungs
eyes bouncing looking for a way out
until I take that action that makes me feel like screaming and hiding and running all at the same time
then it tramps down to quivering smiles and anxious waiting
my fears are bound up in the uncertain possible of what someone else will say when I ask or say that thing that scares even me
waiting for the Yay or nay like a gladiator looking at the crowd
waiting to be butchered or to live for a few minutes more
There are people who I have to quash my thoughts about who I will think something like “I wonder where they are? Are they coming to see me? Are they going to tell me something important?” I have to squash that line of thinking because it escalates very quickly. Primarily, because I know exactly what my actions would be.
I feel very much that if they were to commit to an action that puts them in my orbit I would step the rest of the way to them.
But such thoughts are just dream. And letting myself dream those moments, while attractive are self-destructive. Eventually, the dreamer must wake and see that it’s not true.
But those worlds exist somewhere. I suppose I’ll just have to be happy that some alternative version of me is happy.
The goodness of a person is expressed in the actions they take and the way that they treat others. Who they are in their heart matters but if they take no action that echos that then it doesn’t matter.
A person who is evil that does good works has brought good into the world.
A person who is good who does evil works has brought evil into the world.
I don’t think it is as black and white as that but it behooves us to see ourselves by this criteria as well as others.
And to check in with ourselves to make sure we are acting as we desire and that those we associate with are as well. For instance, I love my father. But I must acknowledge that the man I grew up with has faded and been replaced by a dogmatic extreme right leaning person. I don’t think in his heart he is evil. But his choices and speech say otherwise.
Did you ever get the feeling that you made a mistake? That you said something or did something that you did not see the consequence for? That it felt like the other shoe had dropped and you didn’t know why? I’m getting that feeling now. I wish I knew what had happened, wish I knew what I’d said, or done. Or what someone said that I have done or said. It’s the OR I find more likely. I can’t think of anything I’ve said or done that warrants what seems to be coming. Maybe I didn’t do something, that seems pretty likely. I’m notoriously bad at reading signals.