Shades dance concealing truth

I have looked into empty rooms searching for you
I wake up feeling you there
Just out of reach
My hand questing out
Finding emptiness
I have searched in other people’s bodies
In their lips, in their hearts
Looking for someone I hadn’t yet met
Wrapped and drowning in grief for a past that I could not let go
I wandered
Always knowing that with love a heart expands to encompass all
And each small light
Never quite right
Some almost but never realizing
How close
Until
eventually
Heart broken and mending
Waking
Finding
And seeing
Into the void of was
Poured secrets and hopes
Until unexpected
Unknown
Fires woke
No small flame fed on flash paper
Magma and storm
Heightening each other
And joined
Joined
Hearts entwined
And waking

It all comes from one place

We all sit in this stasis
Just wondering what our place is
Waking up we wonder
When will what we built, be plowed under

We’re treading water
Waiting to be reborn

But rebirth is painful
It’s not shameful
To cry our tears
To build up from our fears

We live by forgetting
Let’s change the venue
Change the setting

We’re all just healing
Our broken hearts reeling

But we hold each other up
Our hands around hearts are cupped
Keeping that blood
from spilling
out

Love is the journey
Make no mistake
Without it we’re burning

I’m a Sir not a master
I’ve helped others through disaster
Build you up to set you free
Maybe, someday, that’ll be me

Solitude amidst the crowd

To be, nothing more
to experience, not expect
to feel, not need
to desire, not burn
to be at peace but not peaceful
to love, but not envy.

Life itself shapes us. Molds us into the image of our fears and lusts. It breaks us when we resist and washes us downriver when we give way. The only thing we can control is ourselves. We can choose to see the world as it presents itself or look deeper and seek. We can choose the branches our lives will take. Even when choice itself and our path shows as a single road we are allowed the freedom to control how we walk it. Ultimately, the only thing we have is our minds and ourselves. But this does not mean that we must walk our roads alone.

Just some things to think about

There isn’t a thing in this world I would not do for the people I love. I know all too well how easy it is to lose them. The world is not forgiving. It takes and takes and you are considered fortunate to be the last person in your age group to be left standing. A dubious honor to be sure.

The older I get the more prized those that I love become, not because I love less people but because I find my love grows. It builds on itself. It spills out and touches more people than I ever imagined I could love. More people who I feel a kinship to. More people who I respect.

For all of that, someone who sees me as vital to their life eludes me. I find something to love in so many but I still feel alone. I think that is what galls me. I can’t be unique. There has to be someone searching as hard for me as I do for them, right?

Maybe that is the hardest lesson. No matter how much we want, how much we need, how much we strive, there is always going to be something we cannot achieve, cannot find, cannot help.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t endeavor. It just means that we need to accept that there is a chance that we will fail. And that’s OK too

Granular

Sand gives way
each step burying deeper
unnoticed until I can no longer move
shivering from the lack
simple steps that would have led me to you
did I have the path
or the faintest knowledge of who you’ll be
always a falter away from discovery
from the last to the beginning
simple acknowledgement of skills forgotten
on this long journey to middle of nowhere
lost on the road to you

State of the Union

In my bright eyed youth, I was a less than good person. I did things. Profitable morally questionable things. But I’ve never been one for morals. Ethics and honor, sure, but common morality never held my interest.

But even that ended and when my interest in the lifestyle if not the money began to wane, Morgan found me drinking a rum and coke at a club. She took me back to her place and we fucked. It wasn’t making love or anything controlled. It was pure animal need. But for some reason I felt drawn to her. So it wasn’t just sex, it was something else.

But I didn’t think that at the time. I kept going back to her and I always told myself it was just sex. Until it became evident it wasn’t. You can only spend so many nights holding each other and talking before you are forced to acknowledge that you just want to be with them. Morgan had an interest in Dominance and Submission, and in pain. In BDSM parlance she was a pain slut. It is not an insult. She gloried in it.

I became her top and over the course of a year or so, her Sir. It had gotten to the point where I could see spending my life with her. Until that September morning that took her from me. You can read about that elsewhere.

So I had become a Dominant. And in controlling others in that context had found a measure of peace. But with Morgan’s death came a bleak sadness that would persist for years. The anger and sadness made me a dangerous top and I came right to the edge of control a few times. In those years, I hooked up with an old friend from my life pre-Morgan.

Eric began pulling me out of the darkness. And through his love, I found the strength to keep going. I also found that being a top was not all that I was. With Eric, I felt safe. I didn’t want to be in control all the time and with him I learned Submission. We were happy for a time but he was unwilling to stay in one place and wanted a 24/7 Sub. Which I am not. I finally asked if he would stay with me. He wasn’t and we parted.

So I wasn’t a full time Dominant and I wasn’t a full time Submissive, so what was I? Was it just play to me? No, I enjoy the psychological aspects too much for it to be just play. So after some research and searching my heart, I find myself a Switch. And that fits comfortably. But I also found that play relationships and even long-term sub or dom relationships were not wholly what I wanted.

So what did I want. What was missing? That’s right. The thing I denied with Morgan, and that which I wanted but never fully realized with Eric. Love. And all that entails. So began my search and I thought I found it several times and each time I was wrong. Then all unaware, writing my poetry and stories, a heart was reading and opening. Scattered comments and likes and this person was always on my mind. I am and was disappointed when they wouldn’t comment but would like what I wrote. I always want to know why, why something is liked.

And when she would comment it was like a sunburst. And I knew, I was falling in love. I started really paying attention and at the last confessed the state of my emotions and very much to my surprise found my affection returned. So after years of searching, she found me. Like lightning from a clear blue sky. I don’t know what the future holds, can’t know it.

But Goddess of my heart, I love you. It has been a long journey and now that we’ve found each other I am profoundly grateful to whatever gods or spirits intervened, if any did. Or just the spinning chance of the cosmic wheel. In any case, my Cha’trez, you have me. All that I was, all that I am, until the stars burn out in the sky. Until the universe collapses, and even then my love for you will exist.

Dream

I dreamed that I was at PAX. It was the final round of the Omegathon and me and my friends were up front watching. And we were talking about something or other when I get some information that this person, this woman that holds my interest and has for months, this amazing person who I would do nearly anything for might need help.. I find myself describing why I need to get to her. How she’s so important, that even though we are only talking and never met in person, she means the world to me. I say that I am going to her even though I don’t have the means, since I’m on vacation, at the end of it. I take off and get on the train, there are all these people I’ve known there and when I tell them that I’m going to go get this woman, who I then realize I love. My friend comes up and says that some of the Movers and Shakers at PAX heard me since we were so close to the stage and the they provided plane tickets and other things like a place to stay. Everyone is so happy for me except my parents. They hate the idea, they try to keep me from her and I call them out on the evil shit they’ve started to believe. We have a giant fight in full view of strangers and friends. They shun me, disown me. But it doesn’t matter. Only she matters. My friends offer me places to stay, give me support, all to help me get to her. I get on another train. I’m going to her. My heart happy and full. I don’t know what the future holds, but if she’s in it, I’ll be happy.

I’m not going to rescue her, the feeling is that we are rescuing each other. Or she is rescuing me.

Departure

Wander out past safety
Past warnings and posted notice
Eyes drink in the precipice
The wet heat of your breathe
Bends and sways the small hairs
Your hand slides up my arm
I turn, lift hands up under sweater
My too cold hands meet the fever warmth of your skin
I lean down rubbing my cheek against yours, nuzzling the crook where neck meets shoulder
We move, mouths finding each other
Hand in hand
This next step we take together

The journey

After Sara was taken, I became a nearly bottomless well of anger and sadness. I tried to fill that hole with sex and control. When that didn’t work, I tried to fill it with anger and blood. That alleviated the constant ache. But did nothing to heal me.

Eric changed all that. He picked me up, healed my wounds. Taught me to love again. But sometimes relationships don’t work out, he left and eventually found M. Eric died in early November. I know M still grieves, still rages, still weeps. I miss Eric, but he was not my ‘the one’.

The ‘one’. Not really a concept I believe in. What I do believe is that there are people whose magnetic polarization is the opposite of yours and when you find them, there is a instant connection. Why do I mention this? I found someone who flipped me, someone who felt right.

But after several months, It’s been brought to my attention that what I thought was true, may not be. More, likely isn’t. Effectively they called yellow. And while that could mean that it may work out, somehow I’m not thinking it will.

But I’m hopeful. Because, I have loved. I have been loved. I know who I am. They are worthy of love. So while it hurts, until they call it, I will be there. I’ve known pain. I know I can survive this. It’s difficult, but any chance at love is worth the price.

I hope to always feel that way.