Listening to static
Accept me as fanatic
I pray as I ascend
But in exultation
Joyous in the unbearable minutes
Whispering regretful goodbyes
In the weight of step by step
We can always move forward in a physical way. Getting distance from our hurts by moving away.
By moving jobs, moving relationships.
Sometimes it’s the only option we have.
So it’s ok.
OK to take those out steps to a different life
Sometimes, though, we have the opportunity to move sideways.
Not so much out as through
Through holes in ourselves
In our dreams
Holes others have hollowed out in us
Holes the world has drilled through us
It fills us up with our passage
It takes such herculean effort to complete such a path
Magic truly, internal and from without
But in the end
That broken journey
Is one of healing
For with the passage of self through these empty spaces
We become whole
At a destination unknowable
I would walk through fire to make sure a friend was ok.
That’s a thought I had the other night. And it’s true.
I’ve endangered long term friendships to make sure they had information that I couldn’t keep silent about. Information that I wasn’t sure was true, but which, if true, could have devastating consequences.
So knowing that I was about to lose everything. I told them anyway. Saying that I was afraid but that I felt that they needed to know.
I don’t have many friends. At most I can count them on two hands. Probably on one. But I would fight a war to the knife on their behalf.
Perhaps because I live by a code. A simple and perhaps harsh one. Perhaps because I value them more than I value myself. The latter thought hurts the most. So it’s probably more true than not.
I don’t have a point here. Just that there are still things about myself that feel painful. That bring tears and silent screams.
So, I need to listen and be honest and keep writing. I may be better, more whole than I’ve ever been. But still, there is more. And I need to remember that.
I’ve crawled out of a deep well of blank
Blank walls and blank stares
Just an endless nothing
Palisades I built looking to hide from all the pain I couldn’t face
And even those walls weren’t enough
I locked my self down the deepest well
In the darkest parts of my mind
I thought it would be easier to just not feel for awhile
I guess when you’re gushing hearts blood and you’re so completely lost in a world that can’t understand what you are feeling
You don’t make the best decisions
That pain just built behind those walls
That tsunami waiting to destroy me
So I hid
Of course I hid
So deep that feeling even pain was blunted
But it couldn’t last
I couldn’t last
Eventually, I couldn’t feel anything
So I threw open the doors
Climbed out of that well filled with pain cored through the very center of my being
And I immediately drowned
That pain crushed me
Beat me against the battlements
Slammed me against the walls
Those soundless screams which wracked my body
Which, even now whisper, broke from my throat
That was the journey which brings me to mild depression and poems which feel empty
Without that cut down mewling pain
It only took ten years.
Maybe in another ten, I’ll be able to write that same joy I feel, on occasional morning
Like I wrote in blood
In the beginning
I have looked into empty rooms searching for you
I wake up feeling you there
Just out of reach
My hand questing out
I have searched in other people’s bodies
In their lips, in their hearts
Looking for someone I hadn’t yet met
Wrapped and drowning in grief for a past that I could not let go
Always knowing that with love a heart expands to encompass all
And each small light
Never quite right
Some almost but never realizing
Heart broken and mending
Into the void of was
Poured secrets and hopes
No small flame fed on flash paper
Magma and storm
Heightening each other
We all sit in this stasis
Just wondering what our place is
Waking up we wonder
When will what we built, be plowed under
We’re treading water
Waiting to be reborn
But rebirth is painful
It’s not shameful
To cry our tears
To build up from our fears
We live by forgetting
Let’s change the venue
Change the setting
We’re all just healing
Our broken hearts reeling
But we hold each other up
Our hands around hearts are cupped
Keeping that blood
Love is the journey
Make no mistake
Without it we’re burning
I’m a Sir not a master
I’ve helped others through disaster
Build you up to set you free
Maybe, someday, that’ll be me
To be, nothing more
to experience, not expect
to feel, not need
to desire, not burn
to be at peace but not peaceful
to love, but not envy.
Life itself shapes us. Molds us into the image of our fears and lusts. It breaks us when we resist and washes us downriver when we give way. The only thing we can control is ourselves. We can choose to see the world as it presents itself or look deeper and seek. We can choose the branches our lives will take. Even when choice itself and our path shows as a single road we are allowed the freedom to control how we walk it. Ultimately, the only thing we have is our minds and ourselves. But this does not mean that we must walk our roads alone.
There isn’t a thing in this world I would not do for the people I love. I know all too well how easy it is to lose them. The world is not forgiving. It takes and takes and you are considered fortunate to be the last person in your age group to be left standing. A dubious honor to be sure.
The older I get the more prized those that I love become, not because I love less people but because I find my love grows. It builds on itself. It spills out and touches more people than I ever imagined I could love. More people who I feel a kinship to. More people who I respect.
For all of that, someone who sees me as vital to their life eludes me. I find something to love in so many but I still feel alone. I think that is what galls me. I can’t be unique. There has to be someone searching as hard for me as I do for them, right?
Maybe that is the hardest lesson. No matter how much we want, how much we need, how much we strive, there is always going to be something we cannot achieve, cannot find, cannot help.
This doesn’t mean that we don’t endeavor. It just means that we need to accept that there is a chance that we will fail. And that’s OK too
Sand gives way
each step burying deeper
unnoticed until I can no longer move
shivering from the lack
simple steps that would have led me to you
did I have the path
or the faintest knowledge of who you’ll be
always a falter away from discovery
from the last to the beginning
simple acknowledgement of skills forgotten
on this long journey to middle of nowhere
lost on the road to you