Thoughts

Another bullshit breakdown

Pelgris3 Comments

All I have right now is this violent dark soul sucking need to connect

To be seen, to be known
And I could go out and spread my bleak nihilism
Drown in physical desires
Give in
And wake empty

Each night more empty than the last
Each touch just a step away from oblivion
But it’s not what I want
Is it

I want that lasting connection
These touch memories linger with me forever
Burning my mind and fill me with yearning
They seem to be so vital
But the night ends
And what is left but the annihilation of self
In the persuit of nothing

I’m tired of fighting for substance and coming up short
I’m tired of finding people who are vital and pushing them away with the raw need that pours out

Don’t try so hard, be yourself. Which fucking one? I’m only comfortable when I know chapter and verse, when I know specifically where we stand and how likely something more, always more, is. Do I just accept that it’s zero?

As fear and anxiety eat away at my calm, as the reality of being alone sets fucking in. Don’t be desperate. I’m fucking drowning, how the fuck else am I supposed to to feel?

Be yourself? My self is a fucking high strung artist who fucked up his past, and doesn’t see a clear way to a viable future. That’s fucking sexy that is.

And truth, just be honest. What percent honest can you fucking handle? Cause no one wants a hundred percent.

Fuck, fuck! FUCK!

I’m just screaming into the void and hoping it matters

Life and other dreams

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When I first talked with her it was through comments on a thing I wrote. That happened more and more until I felt I was getting to know her. Then I said I was falling for someone and she knew though I didn’t say that it was her. We started talking in earnest and it seemed to be going well. Then tragedy struck and we seemed to be getting through that. I was right on the verge of saying, “We need to meet in person.” And as I was typing that to her, I found myself blocked. She’d ghosted me. I was destroyed. Beyond destroyed, devistated.

My friend helped me pick up the pieces. It took 4 months before I wasn’t I complete mess. Then as my life got back to something resembling good, she messaged me. Out of the blue. Explaining and apologizing. I’d let her go. Let the pain go.
I was with someone which ultimately fizzled and now we’re just friends.
And after it fizzled we allowed each other back into our lives. And it was good. Not like it was but still really good. But now she’d push me away and I’d not let her. I’m not a idiot, I saw what was happening and I don’t want, didn’t want to let her go.

Then she came to me completely rational and told me that she couldn’t be with me and work through what she needed to work through.

I said ok. I said it more eloquently than that but that’s what I said. What else could I say?
I would do anything for her and if the thing I could do was leave her to heal on her own without me, then of course I had to let her go.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her. Or, if I’m not with anyone, would not want to be with her. I still think about her all the time. I used to dream that I slept by her side. Those dreams are gone.

I would never have left her if she didn’t request it. Life is the stupidest rigged game you’ll ever participate in. Even if you think you know what is happening, you never really do. 
So I took this down, put it up, took it down, I edited it, life….it sucks. 

Love in the key of awkward 

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There is this moment in every one of my days where my mind is drawn to the people I love. The people I’d be with but for distance or circumstance. My mind turns to them and I think of each. And I feel a different pain for each. If I’m depressed or falling that way then it turns my mood bleaker.

I’ll send out texts or emails or messenger to let them know I’m thinking about them. I rarely receive anything back. And when I do maybe I get a bit excited and overplay my hand, as it were, but it all comes from a place of love. It doesn’t have to be romantic love, though, really who am I kidding, it generally is. Most of my friends start out that way. It may become agapic but rarely from my perspective.

I’m weird. I know it. I’m looking for my weirdos to be with.

People and the horse they rode in on

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Post people hangover. It’s a thing any introvert can sympathize with. And it’s what happened yesterday and it is what led me to a short depressive episode. Ugh. I am a role-player and not just the sexy kind.

Nope, I’m also a tabletop role player and that means a bunch of people sitting in a room pretending to be something else while one person spins a world of fantasy. In this case a literal one. Because while the ruleset is Palladium, (for reasons, I know the company is awful), they are in my Split Sky world. Though they don’t know what that means.

But still, spending 6+ hours being the center of attention while spinning essentially a consensual hallucination drains me completely. And some days that means I get depressed and some days that means I listen to that bastard part of my brain that says you are fucking up. That I’m not someone who can be loved let alone someone worth loving. And since so much of my self is bound up in love and beauty, that is the things that the bastard in my brain tries to wrest away from me. Tries to control.

Yes, I’m uncertain. Because I believe that certainty leads people to the blind alleys of always being right and unable to see other perspectives and inability to change. It is when we are our most static that we are our most dangerous. Pure chaos burns itself out. Pure order spreads and destroys.

So it takes this element of uncertainty and it spreads it like cancer through everything good and I can manage it but not stop it. Someone who is mine, can stop it but only if I believe that they are mine. Which generally means someone who has said and I believe that they love me. It can’t be family. I feel too distant from them to believe it when I’m depressed.

So that’s my story of my weekend. Introvert plus center of attention for extended periods equals depression. As I say in real life, generally half sarcastically, good times.

Tired, so tired

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When I was without communication, without Facebook, without texting, I think I was happier.

Without this constant potential connection, But no actual connection. Because I’m drowning here. I thought I knew how to swim, but maybe the waters are rising. Each attempt, each failure, breaks me further.
Until, at last, there’s nothing left to give.

Drifting thoughts before sleep

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This need to write wells up, but to what avail? This distance keeps us apart or is distance a convenience of the heart?
I’d be there tomorrow, but how far can I push before you run away? I don’t know.
I’m certain only of my self and don’t know what goes on when my eyes close. When you are alone with your thoughts. When I would be holding you.

Feeling alone with my desires

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I believe that if you love someone, you tell them.
If you want to be with them, you tell them.
If you are with them, you dream of them.
If they walk by your side, you touch them.
You touch in joy, in desire, in happiness. You touch to reaffirm that you desire them. You touch in public. So called public displays of affection are just demonstrations that love should not be contained. And if someone doesn’t like it, well, fuck them.

I prefer my relationships to be shouted from the rooftops. I prefer that we love out loud and loudly at the same time. Little secrets are for little children. If you are mine, then You Are Mine. I love with fierce passion.

I don’t understand walking without touching. Without seeing them out of the corner of your eye and pushing them to the wall and kissing them. Or pulling them as close as possible until someone shouts “get a room”.

I want to whisper poetry and hear your voice and your words. I want you to fall asleep at my side and wake knowing that you are loved.

If you have a dark side, I’ll match you step for step.

Join me, dance with me, love with me. I’ll do my level best to not dissapoint.

Windows open as they close

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I got 2 days and 1 night of perfection. It’s more than most people get.

It was to aid a friend and I feel a bit guilty about how it made me feel. Taking care of her. Making sure she followed her tasks. Hearing that in that moment what she felt was joy. It was utter perfection.

But what was so transcendent for me, was, perhaps, too close to a reminder of what she’d lost. Two days and a night. I was the happiest most fulfilled version of myself. I made plans. Crazy plans. Plans to uproot my whole life.
But by Monday  it was over. She went back to her healing, her pain. And I was reminded of mine.

2 days and 1 night. It’s more than most people get. And its marked me forever

Song of the Day

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Sometimes I feel as if the choices I make are all predicated on the choices of others.
That despite my so called autonomy, I am waiting.  Sometimes I wish that others would act as I do.  Would see my heart resonant as I see theirs and say you. I want you.
I would move the heavens for such a person. But until that day there is me, feeling this

My call to arms

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I’ve heard it said that the benchmark for love is whether or not you would die for someone.

It’s not. Death is Easy. We all do it. It’s going to happen.

No, the benchmark for love is whether or not you will live for someone.
Will you wake each day with the intention that today you will be as good to them as when you were courting. As when you were dating. As when you first saw them blush with their body. As when you first touched and your heart sped up a little.

Love is a emotion, yes. But in a relationship, it’s also a choice. The choice to love completely. To not allow all of the noise and fury of this chaotic, beautiful, mad world we live in, to not allow it to take over and intrude where it is not welcome.

But, people call me crazy for opening my heart so wide. And I won’t pretend that I have not been hurt. But, if I allow that pain to make my choices for me then I am not living. I am hiding.

I choose to not hide. To not be ruled by pain. By fear. I may not always know the way. But I know that love is my guide