Scrimshaw writ deeply
Weariness one can’t escape from
No exit, just time
tired
Lyrics for the lonely
I’m a simple blank page
Wrapped up in a cage
Living the last vestige
One minute from bliss
One lifetime from kiss
Slouching south
Deep in the cringe
Used to live for the sin
Whip hand sang
Stropped leather on flesh
Wanting it all again
Instead I’m here
Languishing between
Waiting to begin
Fly to me
I yearn to start
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When is a life not a life?
Malaise overlays bones
Muscles slack
Jaw clenched
Tears just beyond beginning
Heart aches in ways mostly unnoticed
Pains drift to the background
Just trying to survive
Hard to be open
When being so would mean
Crumpling boneless
Thin veneer
Keeping the social contract
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Eyes ringing, ears bleed
I am sputtering incoherent rage
Seething above a cold and ancient
Monster
Waiting to be freed from shackles
Forged in blood and promises
Cold heart breaks free from warm blood
Two trapped wolves
Salivating at the thought of meat
Long deprived
The long knives wait for willing hands
Wait until will breaks
Until at last the shield of empathy
Of hope and joy
Dies
Until only memories and copper strength
Vie for attention
So begins a war in the heart of one man
So begins a war in us all
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Slipping down
The quiet panic of other people sits heavy in the background of a thumping heart
Floating anxiety feels tangible in the afternoon silence
Too cold waiting for the thaw
Waiting for arms to hold
Lost in a hell of without
A winter’s night
And no fire
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Split bell resonance
Nothings wrong
Nothings wrong
Nothings wrong
Nothings wrong
….
Except I’m tired
Nothings wrong
Except I teared up for no reason other than imagining someone holding me and telling me that everything would be okay
Never mind that I don’t know what everything is
Nothings wrong
But my words come slowly if at all
What was a torrent is now leached slowly to the surface
Barely a trickle
Barely a mouthful
Nothings wrong
Except the distance and the daily
Nothings wrong
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Dry river remembrance
I’m broke down tear streaked cold nosed sleep deprived humanity
In other words normal end of weekend depression
Having to go to work to earn that money to live another two weeks and spend enough to feel just a little bit in control of my pain addled life
Each day begging for an end only to stumble through my door and collapse into bed asleep
Waking up way too early
To roll the dice on forlorn hope
Fucked up that chance is the only solution that I can think of
Broken bone words splintered in forgiveness without the chance to heal
Slow decay
I’d give up I think
But I’d rather be if at all possible
In your arms
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Covered in blood, blinking, “See everything’s ok”
Resting blank face
Eyes alight behind a mask of unmoving skin
No smile
No frown
Permanent thousand yard stare
“Who are you trying to intimidate,” they ask
No one
No one
This is a defense
The one lie I allow
To hide the pain that courses just beneath the surface
Just under the distraction
Just under the distance
Keeping questions at bay
As much as possible
You learn not to ask how I’m doing
Because that’s spoken true
So instead
Blank mask
Fool yourself into thinking
He’s ok
It’s easier
Even as I drown a little more
History full of lost chances
Dead ends
And silence
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Step by step, find your way to me
Sometimes I think that my life is a path
Worn away
Wind and rain and casual travelers
All taken this care worn road
Erasing the lines
Until all someone might find beautiful
Is erased
Who will find their way
To marvel and dream along my haunted shores
No longer shiny or new
Who will follow to paths ending
The garden
Starving
Dying on the edge of love
Forgotten
But still
Tenaciously
Holding on
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Our secrets seem small until we see friends fleeing from the sound of their truth
Secrets deepen the longer they are held
Each one pill sized
Swallowed
Hidden from view
Left to bloom and grow
Working their way through limbs
Sapping strength
Choking heart
Catching tongue
And always the hesitation
To say what was
What you tell no one
Lest they scoff and say not real
Not you
The image before you cannot be who the festered darkness says you were
You know your secrets to be unpalatable
To be outrageous and impossible
To be true and heavy
Lead weights keeping you from the last mile
Last steps before true connection
Instead tending an inner garden of night blooming flowers
Each deadly and poisonous
What was done cannot be undone
Then what good will speaking do
Pelgris 