People and the horse they rode in on

Post people hangover. It’s a thing any introvert can sympathize with. And it’s what happened yesterday and it is what led me to a short depressive episode. Ugh. I am a role-player and not just the sexy kind.

Nope, I’m also a tabletop role player and that means a bunch of people sitting in a room pretending to be something else while one person spins a world of fantasy. In this case a literal one. Because while the ruleset is Palladium, (for reasons, I know the company is awful), they are in my Split Sky world. Though they don’t know what that means.

But still, spending 6+ hours being the center of attention while spinning essentially a consensual hallucination drains me completely. And some days that means I get depressed and some days that means I listen to that bastard part of my brain that says you are fucking up. That I’m not someone who can be loved let alone someone worth loving. And since so much of my self is bound up in love and beauty, that is the things that the bastard in my brain tries to wrest away from me. Tries to control.

Yes, I’m uncertain. Because I believe that certainty leads people to the blind alleys of always being right and unable to see other perspectives and inability to change. It is when we are our most static that we are our most dangerous. Pure chaos burns itself out. Pure order spreads and destroys.

So it takes this element of uncertainty and it spreads it like cancer through everything good and I can manage it but not stop it. Someone who is mine, can stop it but only if I believe that they are mine. Which generally means someone who has said and I believe that they love me. It can’t be family. I feel too distant from them to believe it when I’m depressed.

So that’s my story of my weekend. Introvert plus center of attention for extended periods equals depression. As I say in real life, generally half sarcastically, good times.

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