Rant

Too honest for safety

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I would rather be stripped, burned and broken than to ever wear a mask again.  The masks may keep us safe but they never keep us sane. Eventually, all walls crumble and the facades we built strangle us.  Until we stand naked before the world we are fated to be forsaken. 

My name is Anthony. My name is Pelgris. I am Cismale. I am Pansexual. I am a large, dark and intelligent man. I am strong physically and emotionally. I am a blade bared. I am a BDSM master. I am honest. I fear this, this last stripping of pretense.  And so it must occur.

Gah!

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We are not friends, we are coworkers. You, Do not get to ask me for favors. That I love you is of no moment. We are not in a relationship. I will not allow my emotional state to influence my behavior. Yes I will protect you from physical harm. I will also offer advice if asked.  I do those things because I need to, not because I’m wrapped around your finger or somehow became a agreeable fellow. Your wording made me feel like you were playing on my emotions and I do not appreciate that. Don’t offer things you are not prepared to give.

Joy and time

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Why is the portrayal of the ideal life so bland? Go to college, get a career, find a spouse, get married, live in a house with the character of a showroom, be happy but not too happy, love but do so quietly,  steady, have a child, foster that child’s realistic hopes, child repeats the cycle, in middle age go to Bali and find that life is good and find that life is worth the sacrifices. 

It is so bland.  If this is what you want then fine, do as you want.  I would normally say do as you desire but can someone living this way have desires?  The most exciting thing in their lives is that fantasy or that illicit affair.  I suppose that’s judgemental.

Give me fire and passion.  Love messy and sweet and out loud. Unabashed, unafraid. Find art in life, find beauty in the world.  Live for your friends, enjoy the journey not the destination.  Listen to music, make your own. Sing even if you are terrible at it.  Find the people who resonate, dance and scream. Be present in the moment, feel the world around you. Break free from all confinement, make love, have sex, drink and eat.  Have rules but make them your own, make them be based in the things most important to you.  Will you change the world from unrepentant same to multicolor? A life affected. Be sad, be angry but move forward.  The happy times flow faster, let the bad times go by too.  And always, always seek. Be it love or beauty, your passion or your dreams.  We have no choice but to travel forward into the future, but we can choose how we step.

Dating rules

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I dislike the rule when dating to not talk about sexual stuff.  Why not cut out my tongue too? That rule precludes me from talking about half of what I write and wipes away my two longest relationships which started and were bound up in sex. I can’t talk about BDSM. For obvious reasons. I know there is a world of other things but sex is my touchstone. Talking about it makes me comfortable. Weird right? I guess we could talk about books? Or music, though not (redacted).  Those are things and I can talk about them. It’s just not natural for me to.  I know it is strange that the guy who is bored with casual sex wants to talk about sex, but not really. I mean how do you think I became bored with it?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just bad at small talk.  Talk serious with me.

Emotional shotgun

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I’m wide awake, killing time between one ill-conceived action and another. Don’t text, don’t email. Just the interminable waiting to hear back. Waking from intense dreams of my dream lover and our inability to see each other. Not enough time and we’re ripped away. Consciousness beats heartbeat on my eyes and I sit here writing. Don’t email again, it seems needy. But you just want to talk to someone and everyone you know is asleep. So you sit here writing and talking to yourself, anything to not make that smothering mistake. People see the insecurities and think that’s no kind of master I know about but I’m not a master at all times, I’m a switch and not a sociopath so I feel. It doesn’t mean I can’t be the top you need but I have never limited myself to being one thing and I won’t be doing that now. How much truth is enough truth and stepping over the line in a game of emotional chicken don’t play with me. I use your actions as the gauge for my own because unless it’s extreme to me, so very little these days, I will match you step for step until we are both plummeting off the cliff. But I’ve done this before and know how to land, so stop the Game it’s not worth it. Ask for what you want, be clear, and stop with the games. Or play games but know I only play in earnest. And still I write to not say the too much that lurks inside my head, hoping something to be said is what you’ll need to hear. But it’s a game of liar’s dice and you’re playing against yourself. Better to not play but there’s no one to talk to in my midnight’s rambling and I can’t quite the thought that the next thing I say will tip the balance. I should have my life together now, right? But I’m just starting to and who wants in on the beginning, but those are the stories I love the ones that tell you how they become as they do. This all too human figure become accessible, lovable as the icon was not. And I want to talk about archetypes and their place in our subconscious and I want to lose myself, my time in intense conversation about Black Books or who your Doctor is. But I’m just sitting here alone wondering if my kink and its frank display is what keeps you away or is it that I’m just restarting my life after the wreckage of my past. It’s the people who are there at the beginning that are held closest because they are through the wars with you. But I can’t know and I can’t ask because what if your day just sucked and you don’t want to strike up a conversation with this weird new person but maybe later but not if they push and I’m the weirdo overthinking and it just won’t shut off. I’m going to end up watching the sexy and damaged Patrick Jane on the Mentalist and go to work tired and ill prepared. And it’s inevitable, and should just give in. But I’m still writing, and though I’m winding down, I can still say something stupid. I feel like one of the plates I’m spinning is going to fall and I have a preference but if one falls might they all. And they are not plates, they are people and I can only be me and it’s out of my hands except to keep being and hope it’s enough.

BDSM vs Abuse

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Note: This is a from BDSM Connection~only BETTER: The Sanctuary

So, how is BDSM not abuse? How are near drowning scenarios not abuse? How is whipping a sub not abuse? How are any number of the things we may encounter or participate in within bdsm not abuse?

The answer is simple, really. In bdsm an entire scene, every element of play — ALL ACTIVITY — can be stopped with a simple word (or sign, if there are gags or other things that impede speech). The submissive OR the dominant can “safe word out” of whatever is in process. This is without exception in every safe, sane, consensual dynamic.

Keep in mind that bdsm consists of a complex group of behaviors between consenting adults. The use of “consensual” here means that while there is always an exchange of power and almost always the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline, the participants both have equal power to end/cease/pause any and all activity.

In this regard, the submissive is actually considered the participant with the most power. Yeah, I know. You were convinced the dominants have all the power. We don’t. And we shouldn’t. And that is because BDSM includes intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given. The “freely given” part should not be overlooked. This differs from abuse. As abuse might include physical, sexual, and/or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.

Believe it or not, “BDSM” is moderated by a governing set of principles. This is “old school” stuff that has been around in terms of use since forever in the lifestyle. It was put into draft form with agreed upon updating in the late 1990’s by the organizers and attendees at an LLC and it’s MUST KNOW material for anyone who is serious about the lifestyle. They are as follows (pulled from a widely circulating copy put out by LLC (Leather Leadership Conference):

Principles
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:

Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.

Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.

Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.

Guidelines:

Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:

*Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
*Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
*What is the relationship of the participants?
*What was the nature of the activity?
What was the intent of the accused abuser?
Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:

1.) Are your needs and limits respected?
Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
2.)Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
3.) Can you function in everyday life?
4.) Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
5.) Can you insist on safe sex practices?
6.) Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
7.) Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
8.) Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
9.) Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?

How not to be friends only

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Why do men keep falling in love with you. Keep seeing more in the relationship than you do? Because you are intimate, you share your thoughts and ideas with them. Your pains. When they compliment you, you are flattered and with no sign that is unwanted, they take a step forward. They share things with you, things they don’t share with others and are rewarded with more of your attention. They ask you out, one on one, and you go, and they can feel the tension (if they are like me). They’ve said yeah, friends. I can do that but this friendship feels more intimate than their last three romantic relationships. And it develops from nothing to talking via text about odd things. Then sex talk comes up, and you don’t demure, which on its own is fine but coming with the intimacy it is confusing. Plus there is something about you that invokes my need to protect those that are mine. I start referring to you as mine coupled to a pet name, and I like it but for a friendship it’s too far. So I test the waters, I ask you if it’s too much. But you say you like it. So I keep using it. And each time I say it, and each time you smile when I do, I fall a little further. I, at least, talk about holding you. Sleeping, just sleeping and the feel of our warmth and comfort. Which say sounds nice. You are also intelligent and adorable, on top of all this. All together, we feel singled out like we are a part of your world.

Eventually, all the talk isn’t enough. Inevitably, I and others, want more. And we know that you are having sex, because you’ve told us. And told us details. So we know and given how emotionally intimate we are with you, want to take it further. Into a full blown romantic relationship. At which point, you blast them and me out of the water. You were just being friends, but friends in a way that no one is friends like. Not that quickly, not that intimate. That is why we not only fall in love with you but want a physical relationship. And for me I feel that your lovers are falling down on the job. And I know I could do so much better by you.

So that’s why this always happens, as you put it. You say friends but act much more intimately than mere friendship. You say friends but when they take romantic steps, you indicate that they should keep doing it. It is inevitable that they would want more of you.

So, if you want to be friends with someone. And only friends. This would work for me. Say this, “I don’t want a physical relationship with you. I don’t want sex of any kind. And while I like compliments and am candid about my life, that in no way indicates a desire for anything beyond buddies. If it seems I’m giving you signals, I’m not.” And of course, when I check in, as I did several times because I was seemingly getting those signals, you must shut me down there as well. I won’t be mad. Instead relieved to know where I stand.

 

So a little clarification:  I only fell so hard because of the come aheads I was given. I checked and rechecked in with her. I would never want to even edge into non-consent territory.  I was pretty damn sure that we had something by the time I said something to that effect.  3 months, of inching closer and checking in; maybe someone else wouldn’t have been as destroyed as I am/was, maybe someone else would have seen the game.  I didn’t and while she was correct that I was the only one in love with the follow on with the lamentation that this always happens to her, I think there is a conclusion that can be drawn that something she is doing is causing it.  I think it’s the intimacy and the closeness,  followed up by the come ahead actions that were allowed?   I mean would you let someone continuously, affectionately  call you My Little Winter Storm in french and not think that they wanted a romantic relationship with you?

Emotional shotgun

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Why do I want to forgive every imposition, every hurt, every game, every callous disregard that you inflict? I’ve impaled myself on the blade of your attention. This blood trickles out of the wound.

This pain, and I want to snuggle down next to it. Push the blade deeper if it meant being closer to you. I still want to be yours. I don’t think it will ever happen. But my heart is foolish. It can’t see past our love of you.

My compassion sees you in pain and I just want you to not hurt. My heart wants me to sacrifice, to do something. Say something, what will help you. What will heal you. All at odds with my own well being.

But, some small part of my too logical brain, says if we can help you, we should. My romantic heart and mind say that a world where you are happy is better than a world where I am OK and you are sad. And I know that’s destructive, probably much too far. And yet these are my feelings, these are my thoughts.

And I wish I could say this to you and not seem mad or obsessive. And some small part of my heart hopes that if you did know, then the dam would break and you would love me as I love you.

But these are emotions, and if this life has taught me anything, it’s that what we want, what we desire, is rarely what is offered where others are concerned.

So I sit at this crossroads. Blade buried deep in my heart. Knowing I should move on, logically seeing all of the wounds inflicted. But emotionally not capable of it. Pulled back to her and pulled away. Waiting in this purgatory for her to rescue me, or time passing allow my heart to give up and let me move forward.

Thoughts on Consent and culture(possible trigger warning)

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Any culture that equates sex with success or with intimacy is failing those that comprise it.  It Feeds into youth culture filtering down to the youngest cognizant levels and takes over in those places where straight talk about sex is not present.  e.g.  in most American households. Further, since the origin of the culture originates with men taking and not individuals exhibiting informed consent we receive a nasty side effect of that cultural shift in that it promotes rape culture. In which the criminal who acts and violates the sanctity of another’s body is succored and made out as blameless while the victim is shamed by the larger culture. It is a malignant and horrific manifestation of the cultural shift.  I’m not saying that it is Not a part of the systemic male domination of society, I’m saying that when we allow popular culture the reins to societal value we ultimately give up control over how those values manifest.

I do not advocate abstinence, nor do I advocate free sex.  I advocate informed, enthusiastic,  and continual consent.  That men must be made responsible for not having sex when their partner is not into it,  that coercion of any kind is rape.  If you get into it and it starts hurting or stops being what you want,  then stop. Say no.  And if it continues from there,  it is rape. If you see that your partner is not into it stop and check on them.  Informed means not impaired, meaning not drunk, not high, told up front the actions that will be taken and what is off the table.  It may seem excessive,  but that is the culture talking.  It is what is necessary to keep all parties safe. Enthusiastic means they want to have sex as much as you do.  This is both men and women,  yes sometimes guys are not into it as well,  don’t shame them for it.  That is the culture talking, saying men must be up for it at all times. Culture is a blade that cuts all who hold it. Coercion is not enthusiastic consent, giving in is not enthusiastic consent. Do what you want, is not enthusiastic consent. All of these are rape.

The victim should not be made to feel shame for something that is done to them, against their will. There are no mitigating factors.  If someone was wearing something,  that is not an invitation. Being drunk is not an invitation. Being too tired to say no is not an invitation.  There is always another person involved and that person needs to stop it. Must in fact say no. Otherwise, they are acting as a monster, a criminal that should be ashamed of their actions.  They have violated the body, the mind and the emotions of someone. There is no excuse for that behavior.

I cannot express enough my disgust for anyone that rapes another. Our culture has become sick, we need to change it, otherwise we are risking the growing up of several generations of severely emotionally damaged people. Unfortunately, I think we may already be into the first generation.  We must stop the skid. But how to do that?  Swing back into the more conservative direction?  That culture has a strong record of failure on this issue and that failure reaches back centuries.  The only path forward is to teach informed, enthusiastic consent and to remove those components of congratulatory sexual conquest from male dominated society. I don’t know how to do the latter.  I can only continue to espouse the former and never flinch from the conversation that must occur again and again in order for us to change.

Sex, commitment, and Love

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I would never cheat on a committed partner. Such would be a betrayal and I do not betray. It is the primary rule from which all others of my rules spring.

If the relationship were committed but open, then I might consider having sex outside the relationship but I am more likely to introduce this person to my partner to keep everything out in the open. Now, that being said, I am still unlikely to have sex outside the relationship framework. Because sex, on its own, is empty. While the physical aspects are enjoyable, what I enjoy most is the enjoyment of my partner.

And while I am adept at the physical aspect and in the moment it is fun, I find it lacks staying power. If there is a emotional component, then the physical becomes a way of expressing that emotional joy with my partner. And that makes me feel beyond the moment.

I’m not saying I won’t feel lust for someone else, I merely note that I am not going to act on that lust. Though I will say that monogamish or poly relationships interest me. But, whether open, poly, or monogamish the true requirements are emotional stability, emotional maturity, constant communication, and honesty. Without those components on all parts it will fail at some point. But such could be said of any relationship.

I suppose my point is this. I am not something the majority have encountered before. I am strange and odd. I am honorable within the framework of my rules and I do wish you would stop lumping me in with the boys, predators, and fools you knew before me. I am not them. I ask, explicitly, for one thing. Don’t hide your heart from me. Don’t try to not love me. It is a betrayal of love and one of the things I cannot forgive. If you don’t love me, that’s fine. Just don’t try to murder love as it attempts to take root.