Things in this world are complicated

You have to give yourself over to love. I know thats crazy. I know that invites pain and death and the dissolution of the self. But you must. Not in some religious sense unless we mean as a philosophy of hope for each other. Only through love can humanity save itself. And I don’t mean love as some cold thing but let respect, hope, desire, and the elevation of others inform your choices. And if you find yourself with someone you love, who loves you, and if all parties enthusiastically consents, express that love physically. Even if that’s just being in the same room. Or holding hands. Or kissing. Or the whole panoply. Love is no cold thing. It is of heat, of flame.
Help and dictate not how that help is used. If you give money to someone, accept that they know their own needs and let go any notion that you have the right to dictate. Give freely and without expectation of reciprocity. Let love be your guide.

This is not to say that you should endanger yourself, just that we all hide a bit more than may be needful.

And I’m definitely not saying that a person who takes in the belief that they act in love are to be forgiven. In my belief system, if you take without consent, then you must suffer the dire and vicious consequences.

I say only that love should be closer to a guiding principle than we generally let it be.

Rant on consent and disrespect

I hate that men don’t defend women anymore. That when some asshole says something or does something, even right in front of them, they chuckle along or are, at best, silent. Silence is condonment, jackass.

Not around me. And this isn’t some “I’m a nice guy” rant. I can be a bastard. It’s just this. If you are my friend or my family or my lover, I will protect you. And if someone’s behavior speaks of nonconsent then, I’m a nightmare. It’s a line that those around me are not allowed to cross. By my direct intervention if necessary.

But lesser offenses too. For instance, I was talking to a friend of mine and this jackass who works for her makes the swirling finger, your crazy gesture in reference to my friend. He was smiling like he thought it was the best joke in the world.

I stopped talking to my friend, turned to him and said, “If you ever make that gesture to my friend again I will snap it off and feed it to you.”

His expression went from all smiles to cowering that quickly. Like I had kicked his dog. But he never did it again. She had told him to stop doing things like that and it never stuck. Because he didn’t respect her.
But he feared me, and rightly so.

Would I prefer that when a person is demeaned or insulted or predatory behavior occurs and they try to put a stop to it, that the behavior stops? Yes, absolutely.
But if it doesn’t, then say something. It’s not bro’s being bro’s. It’s not fucking acceptable. And it is in no way the victims fault that you are acting like a asshat.

So yeah, I’ll defend women or the vulnerable. I’ll back your play if you want to act instead. If you say you have it, then ok. But I’m still here.

Pounce

Playful is dangerous
without consequences
Consent looms over us
Words can be spoken
play is enough of a invitation
To say

You make me want to crowd you
Push you up against the wall
Pin your wrist against your struggles
Taste your mouth in fierce possession
Take all that your playfulness promises
Burn us both with passion

Which you said you don’t want
Yet you play and play
I am not made of stone
Eventually, something will give

Note: I’ll say something, be blunt.  Consent is far too important to me.  But she pushes and pushes.  I can’t tell if she wants me to use force or if she is waiting to say “aha!  Gotcha! You’re just like the rest.  It’s tiring and it hurts. 

How my dream ended

I walk up to a table at some kind of gala. I sit down and look at the sad young lady sitting alone. She’s beautiful. I could describe her, but all women I find beautiful are pretty in their own unique way. Suffice to say she was stunning. I say “hello, would you like to spend tonight with me? I have had a bad run of it and I don’t want to be alone tonight. Just be with me.”

She asks, “I’m not going to be your vacation fling.” she says it with an unturned lilt. Questioning and almost timid.

I smile crookedly and say “Not if you don’t want to be. Let us have this night. And in the morning if you want to leave you can, but I would much rather you stay.”

We sit drinking champaign. Small sips. There is a small orchestra sitting around. Like they know now one is dancing so why play when no one will listen.

I stand and hold out my hand, “Would you like to dance?”

She says, “but they aren’t playing any music.”

I say, “They will.”

And we dance.
The song we danced to:

A thing that I say.3

I always say, I don’t take what is not freely given.  What does this mean? I only say it to people I’m dating and generally on the second date.  The first is a feeling out. My, often bizarre, rules can get in the way of that.  So on the second date I’ll say it.  And I mean this, informed consent is the only way I play.  I will ask before I kiss you or you may kiss me.  I will ask before I will touch you. I will be assured of your enthusiastic consent before and during any sexual activity.  If you want to lay out ground rules where I don’t have to ask or use the color codes even better.  This generally leads into a discussion of my primary rule: Do not betray.  My word, once given is inviolable. And I consider rape, physical or mental, to be the ultimate act of betrayal.  Thus my rules.  I have good reason to codify things. Ask me if you wish.

Thoughts on Consent and culture(possible trigger warning)

Any culture that equates sex with success or with intimacy is failing those that comprise it.  It Feeds into youth culture filtering down to the youngest cognizant levels and takes over in those places where straight talk about sex is not present.  e.g.  in most American households. Further, since the origin of the culture originates with men taking and not individuals exhibiting informed consent we receive a nasty side effect of that cultural shift in that it promotes rape culture. In which the criminal who acts and violates the sanctity of another’s body is succored and made out as blameless while the victim is shamed by the larger culture. It is a malignant and horrific manifestation of the cultural shift.  I’m not saying that it is Not a part of the systemic male domination of society, I’m saying that when we allow popular culture the reins to societal value we ultimately give up control over how those values manifest.

I do not advocate abstinence, nor do I advocate free sex.  I advocate informed, enthusiastic,  and continual consent.  That men must be made responsible for not having sex when their partner is not into it,  that coercion of any kind is rape.  If you get into it and it starts hurting or stops being what you want,  then stop. Say no.  And if it continues from there,  it is rape. If you see that your partner is not into it stop and check on them.  Informed means not impaired, meaning not drunk, not high, told up front the actions that will be taken and what is off the table.  It may seem excessive,  but that is the culture talking.  It is what is necessary to keep all parties safe. Enthusiastic means they want to have sex as much as you do.  This is both men and women,  yes sometimes guys are not into it as well,  don’t shame them for it.  That is the culture talking, saying men must be up for it at all times. Culture is a blade that cuts all who hold it. Coercion is not enthusiastic consent, giving in is not enthusiastic consent. Do what you want, is not enthusiastic consent. All of these are rape.

The victim should not be made to feel shame for something that is done to them, against their will. There are no mitigating factors.  If someone was wearing something,  that is not an invitation. Being drunk is not an invitation. Being too tired to say no is not an invitation.  There is always another person involved and that person needs to stop it. Must in fact say no. Otherwise, they are acting as a monster, a criminal that should be ashamed of their actions.  They have violated the body, the mind and the emotions of someone. There is no excuse for that behavior.

I cannot express enough my disgust for anyone that rapes another. Our culture has become sick, we need to change it, otherwise we are risking the growing up of several generations of severely emotionally damaged people. Unfortunately, I think we may already be into the first generation.  We must stop the skid. But how to do that?  Swing back into the more conservative direction?  That culture has a strong record of failure on this issue and that failure reaches back centuries.  The only path forward is to teach informed, enthusiastic consent and to remove those components of congratulatory sexual conquest from male dominated society. I don’t know how to do the latter.  I can only continue to espouse the former and never flinch from the conversation that must occur again and again in order for us to change.

Have we fallen so far

A interested party asked me, almost timidly, if BDSM always involved sex. I had to think for a second, not because I did not have the answer, but because it calls to mind the bad information that is out there. Of course it doesn’t always involve sex.

I incorporate sex into play only when I am in a romantic relationship with the person or persons. If the relationship is as Master and Submissive, then no, I don’t incorporate those elements into the play. I think that there is a misconception at work here that play is all about sex.

Admittedly, I have been out of the lifestyle except for friends and the referral from friends for some time now as I struggled to get my problems in hand. But, I can’t imagine it has changed so much. Perhaps, the contamination of 50 shades of grey is to blame.

Or, it could be that the community is not providing adequate training and support or making said information available except in the context of sex. I’ll want to ask where they got the notion to determine where it comes from.

I can’t shake the feeling that it is because male “tops” will use any excuse to get their dick wet. If that is the case, then those people are sexual opportunists and not true masters or tops. It is something to be aware of.

Just because you are bound does not mean you give up consent. Sex is not implicit unless such as been made explicit. I know, I could be accused of being too safe. Believe me, there is no such thing. I won’t even touch a partner sensually unless it has been agreed to. I may want to, need to, burn to, but failure to obtain consent for ANY act, is abhorrent. It is betrayal, it is rape.

Thoughts on what passes for consent.

So,  I just took a traipse through several blogs that were talking about consent in BDSM. I frankly found the content there frightening. Not just in what is considered consent: Outside of edge play, which not all are suited to despite their desires, the Dominant should not lose control. As the dominant, you should not allow yourself to be so taken in by whatever activity you are engaged in, that you edge into non-consent.  There is a difference between play fear and real fear, and if you see real fear, then you need to call yellow yourself.  You need to check, that consent is still given.  You cannot just assume that once given it is given for the scene entire.  Consent is not one and done.  It is a continual affirmation that they are good to go.  For some dominants,  that is not what they want to hear.  They want to hurt, to cause pain,  and the thin veneer of initial consent is enough to get them to act.  That is Sadism.  Which itself is fine,  within the strict limits of control.  If you yourself, are unable to maintain that control then it may help to have a 3rd party present.  To ref the action.  If you so lose yourself, that you cannot determine consent from non-consent then that is a problem.  Not insurmountable,  but measures should be taken.  Safe, Sane, and Consensual.  It is not just a catchphrase. I take safety and Consent very seriously.  And I check to see that my actions at least are sane.  You cannot be engaged in dangerous play of any kind without rules.  That is in play as much for BDSM as it is for knife fighting, or blood play, or underground fighting. Rules are made and enforced to keep us all safe.  And keep a nurse or doctor on hand if possible, I’m not saying that non-consent cannot be roleplayed.  I’m saying that as the dominant, you do not get a free ride to do whatever the hell you want.  you must be aware at all times. I know a few who are dipping their toes into the life. And I am genuinely afraid for them, the wrong top or master and it could ruin the experience.    I have been called too safe. Too in control. Perhaps.  But I have seen the results of the other way.