The situation is….

So I guess what I want to talk about today is being out and what that means to me and how that effects the people in my life.

So out. It means alot of things to alot of people. Sometimes it means out of the closet. Meaning you have told at least one person how your sexual orientation differs from the majority. And I term it that way because it’s not as simple as saying “I’m here, I’m queer, Deal with it.” Because people are involved and that makes it complicated. Maybe your not ready to be that far out of the closet. Maybe forcing people to confront their own bias through you is scary. And shit. Its scary.

I first came out to a couple of friends who I mostly thought would be cool. When that went ok, I came out to more friends. Then to my older sister. Then to my cousins.

But I haven’t told my parents or any of my aunts or uncles. I’m not hiding it. But I’m not forcing a confrontation either. Because I know that once I do, everything will likely change. And while I’m not fearful of that, I’m also not emotionally ready to lose them.

So, I don’t confront them with it. But I also dont live my life any quieter.

And really, while still being dangerous and emotionally fraught, at least that is a coming out that people understand.

But there’s another side to my coming out. Some years ago, I decided to come out as a BDSM practitioner. For me its more than just play. For me, its a part of who I am. And I feel like hiding who I am does more damage than I’m willing to accept. So, I came out as a Switch at first, to friends and was widely accepted. And I found that the more open I was, the more people responded. And the more I saw that we all hide these “shameful” desires.

And while I don’t flaunt it, or confront my family with it, I don’t hide it either. Sharing things on social media under my name and not really caring.

I have made 2 concessions to living out loud as I term it. Concessions I made for the person I’m in a relationship with to make them more comfortable.
One, I restricted my Facebook to friends only.
Two, I changed my Facebook flag from the BDSM leather flag to a more goth picture. Because I suppose goth is more acceptable than BDSM. Though you’d have to do an image search and really want to know for that one.

Out. Its not just a one and done. In a very real sense you are always coming out. As your circle widens and your comfort level increases.

I will say that if your living situation is based on the largess of someone you are afraid to come out to… Don’t. Don’t force them into a confrontation until you are safe. Until you have a fallback plan. Be free but be safe.

I am Pelgris. I am beautiful magic. I am pansexual. I am Sir.

Closets are for clothes

I don’t want to be your secret but rather your celebration
a love that’s hides in shadows
Is as false as the lies that you tell to keep us separate
Separate from your ‘normal’ life
Your family wouldn’t understand
How nice for them that you consider their feelings instead of my own
Your friends would not accept this
Well, some friends you have that would reject you for love
This is fear
Base fear
Your joy is worth the loss of people who wouldn’t love you if they knew you
I am worth the peril of walking unfettered in daylight
You need not face it alone

Or fear can embrace you, hold your heart and kiss you. Because it will not be I

Behind the bedroom door is for specifics
For the rest
I’ll not be your secret
Rather crowed from the rooftops
Than whispers and sly looks

Cause, honey, everyone knows already.
You are just letting them define the narrative

Too honest for safety

I would rather be stripped, burned and broken than to ever wear a mask again.  The masks may keep us safe but they never keep us sane. Eventually, all walls crumble and the facades we built strangle us.  Until we stand naked before the world we are fated to be forsaken. 

My name is Anthony. My name is Pelgris. I am Cismale. I am Pansexual. I am a large, dark and intelligent man. I am strong physically and emotionally. I am a blade bared. I am a BDSM master. I am honest. I fear this, this last stripping of pretense.  And so it must occur.

Thought on relationships and BDSM

Any relationship is going to be internally complicated.  The individual personalities,  the tug and pull of individual goals coupled together with the goals of the partnership, the internal and eternal give and take that must always be present to allow unique people to blend their lives.  There is a social dynamic at play that includes outside societal forces acting on the partnership as well. All of this ads up to relationships being difficult.

Not all the time, but there is always going to be some level of tension. At least in my experience. Add to that a secondary dynamic like that of a BDSM relationship and you have a very complicated set of parameters. If the BDSM is all “behind the bedroom door” you may be able to set up your lives so that they are compartmentalized.  This can work and for many people it does.

I don’t particularly like it. When I am in a relationship and that relationship includes BDSM, I prefer that aspect to bleed into and blend together with all other aspects of my and my partners life.  It’s, in my opinion, the only way to allow the truth of the life you are living to be your life.  This could be because I see the ‘behind the bedroom door’ as a way of closeting your lifestyle and speaking from experience the crush of hiding who you are is crippling on an emotional level.  Often so in ways and manifestations you do not realize until you shed those bonds.

To live that way in a relationship is an added stressor and stressors tend to accumulate the longer a relationship lasts.  The last thing it needs is something that you are effectively hiding from the world.  I’m not saying you need to speak as openly about the lifestyle and your life as I do.  Truthfully, I am a serious oversharer. Trying to ‘live out loud’ as I like to say means, well, being loud.  Honest and forthright about ones life.  It’s hard, but for me the other way was sisyphean levels of harder.

In any case, adding the dynamic of Master and submissive, to the mix of a relationship can be difficult.  But I think this is where hardcore adherence to the lifestyle is actually a benefit.  Safe, Sane and Consensual means that you are or should be discussing what is happening,  what all parties want, and what is and is not allowed.  The knowledge of the boundary lines allow all parties to blend their lives together that much more thoroughly.  If that is their desire,  or maintain separately,  but the discussion dynamic is in place as a go to.

Further the safeword or, my preference, Green/Yellow/Red procedure means that if something goes too far or you are edging into something that you don’t want to talk  about you can simply call a halt by saying, Yellow (let’s discuss) or red (stop, immediately, and discuss).  Because BDSM juggles so many physical, emotional and mental items it must have the artificial constructs in place to deal with those items. And those dynamics can be beneficial to a  relationship paradigm because communication and moreover a safe place for communication to occur is the strength of those of us in the community that take the core ideals to heart.