How not to be friends only

Why do men keep falling in love with you. Keep seeing more in the relationship than you do? Because you are intimate, you share your thoughts and ideas with them. Your pains. When they compliment you, you are flattered and with no sign that is unwanted, they take a step forward. They share things with you, things they don’t share with others and are rewarded with more of your attention. They ask you out, one on one, and you go, and they can feel the tension (if they are like me). They’ve said yeah, friends. I can do that but this friendship feels more intimate than their last three romantic relationships. And it develops from nothing to talking via text about odd things. Then sex talk comes up, and you don’t demure, which on its own is fine but coming with the intimacy it is confusing. Plus there is something about you that invokes my need to protect those that are mine. I start referring to you as mine coupled to a pet name, and I like it but for a friendship it’s too far. So I test the waters, I ask you if it’s too much. But you say you like it. So I keep using it. And each time I say it, and each time you smile when I do, I fall a little further. I, at least, talk about holding you. Sleeping, just sleeping and the feel of our warmth and comfort. Which say sounds nice. You are also intelligent and adorable, on top of all this. All together, we feel singled out like we are a part of your world.

Eventually, all the talk isn’t enough. Inevitably, I and others, want more. And we know that you are having sex, because you’ve told us. And told us details. So we know and given how emotionally intimate we are with you, want to take it further. Into a full blown romantic relationship. At which point, you blast them and me out of the water. You were just being friends, but friends in a way that no one is friends like. Not that quickly, not that intimate. That is why we not only fall in love with you but want a physical relationship. And for me I feel that your lovers are falling down on the job. And I know I could do so much better by you.

So that’s why this always happens, as you put it. You say friends but act much more intimately than mere friendship. You say friends but when they take romantic steps, you indicate that they should keep doing it. It is inevitable that they would want more of you.

So, if you want to be friends with someone. And only friends. This would work for me. Say this, “I don’t want a physical relationship with you. I don’t want sex of any kind. And while I like compliments and am candid about my life, that in no way indicates a desire for anything beyond buddies. If it seems I’m giving you signals, I’m not.” And of course, when I check in, as I did several times because I was seemingly getting those signals, you must shut me down there as well. I won’t be mad. Instead relieved to know where I stand.


So a little clarification:  I only fell so hard because of the come aheads I was given. I checked and rechecked in with her. I would never want to even edge into non-consent territory.  I was pretty damn sure that we had something by the time I said something to that effect.  3 months, of inching closer and checking in; maybe someone else wouldn’t have been as destroyed as I am/was, maybe someone else would have seen the game.  I didn’t and while she was correct that I was the only one in love with the follow on with the lamentation that this always happens to her, I think there is a conclusion that can be drawn that something she is doing is causing it.  I think it’s the intimacy and the closeness,  followed up by the come ahead actions that were allowed?   I mean would you let someone continuously, affectionately  call you My Little Winter Storm in french and not think that they wanted a romantic relationship with you?

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