Nothing special lasts

Trace your white lies across my skin
Wonder will we see each other again
Or are we just cold storage
And stolen moments
Losing you

Text like the thinnest gruel
Compared to your wicked smile
And clumsy violence

Those moments when I held you tight
Etched as on glass
Forever bright
Forever painful as we part

Horse dream

I was visiting a stable. My friend L was running it. A lifelong dream of hers and another of my friends, A, was her vet. One of horses was old and sick. It was in constant pain. It was 5 foot 6 at the shoulder, mottled black and brown coloring with a white lopsided star shape on its head. The vet had provided a drug cocktail to allow the animal to pass in peace, free from pain and lucid. But L couldn’t do it. She left the horse barn in tears. I was there with another friend of mine. We were observers only. I was about to go after L when I woke up to a heart racing panic attack. Great… My dreams are giving me panic attacks.

Dream

I dreamed that I was at PAX. It was the final round of the Omegathon and me and my friends were up front watching. And we were talking about something or other when I get some information that this person, this woman that holds my interest and has for months, this amazing person who I would do nearly anything for might need help.. I find myself describing why I need to get to her. How she’s so important, that even though we are only talking and never met in person, she means the world to me. I say that I am going to her even though I don’t have the means, since I’m on vacation, at the end of it. I take off and get on the train, there are all these people I’ve known there and when I tell them that I’m going to go get this woman, who I then realize I love. My friend comes up and says that some of the Movers and Shakers at PAX heard me since we were so close to the stage and the they provided plane tickets and other things like a place to stay. Everyone is so happy for me except my parents. They hate the idea, they try to keep me from her and I call them out on the evil shit they’ve started to believe. We have a giant fight in full view of strangers and friends. They shun me, disown me. But it doesn’t matter. Only she matters. My friends offer me places to stay, give me support, all to help me get to her. I get on another train. I’m going to her. My heart happy and full. I don’t know what the future holds, but if she’s in it, I’ll be happy.

I’m not going to rescue her, the feeling is that we are rescuing each other. Or she is rescuing me.

How not to be friends only

Why do men keep falling in love with you. Keep seeing more in the relationship than you do? Because you are intimate, you share your thoughts and ideas with them. Your pains. When they compliment you, you are flattered and with no sign that is unwanted, they take a step forward. They share things with you, things they don’t share with others and are rewarded with more of your attention. They ask you out, one on one, and you go, and they can feel the tension (if they are like me). They’ve said yeah, friends. I can do that but this friendship feels more intimate than their last three romantic relationships. And it develops from nothing to talking via text about odd things. Then sex talk comes up, and you don’t demure, which on its own is fine but coming with the intimacy it is confusing. Plus there is something about you that invokes my need to protect those that are mine. I start referring to you as mine coupled to a pet name, and I like it but for a friendship it’s too far. So I test the waters, I ask you if it’s too much. But you say you like it. So I keep using it. And each time I say it, and each time you smile when I do, I fall a little further. I, at least, talk about holding you. Sleeping, just sleeping and the feel of our warmth and comfort. Which say sounds nice. You are also intelligent and adorable, on top of all this. All together, we feel singled out like we are a part of your world.

Eventually, all the talk isn’t enough. Inevitably, I and others, want more. And we know that you are having sex, because you’ve told us. And told us details. So we know and given how emotionally intimate we are with you, want to take it further. Into a full blown romantic relationship. At which point, you blast them and me out of the water. You were just being friends, but friends in a way that no one is friends like. Not that quickly, not that intimate. That is why we not only fall in love with you but want a physical relationship. And for me I feel that your lovers are falling down on the job. And I know I could do so much better by you.

So that’s why this always happens, as you put it. You say friends but act much more intimately than mere friendship. You say friends but when they take romantic steps, you indicate that they should keep doing it. It is inevitable that they would want more of you.

So, if you want to be friends with someone. And only friends. This would work for me. Say this, “I don’t want a physical relationship with you. I don’t want sex of any kind. And while I like compliments and am candid about my life, that in no way indicates a desire for anything beyond buddies. If it seems I’m giving you signals, I’m not.” And of course, when I check in, as I did several times because I was seemingly getting those signals, you must shut me down there as well. I won’t be mad. Instead relieved to know where I stand.

 

So a little clarification:  I only fell so hard because of the come aheads I was given. I checked and rechecked in with her. I would never want to even edge into non-consent territory.  I was pretty damn sure that we had something by the time I said something to that effect.  3 months, of inching closer and checking in; maybe someone else wouldn’t have been as destroyed as I am/was, maybe someone else would have seen the game.  I didn’t and while she was correct that I was the only one in love with the follow on with the lamentation that this always happens to her, I think there is a conclusion that can be drawn that something she is doing is causing it.  I think it’s the intimacy and the closeness,  followed up by the come ahead actions that were allowed?   I mean would you let someone continuously, affectionately  call you My Little Winter Storm in french and not think that they wanted a romantic relationship with you?

Dreams

I had an interesting dream. It was just me and a bunch of acquaintances and friends rolling around a city in the midnight hour. We were rolling twenty deep.

My friend ‘3’, invited us to a boxing match. Where she would be boxing. That is what they called it. When we arrived, we got drinks. I got a whiskey sour (Jack). We are standing around waiting for the match and out comes 3.

She is announced as one of the boxers and she runs/skips over to someone out of the corner of my eye. She kisses this leather chick passionately and the crowd applauds. Not because it’s 2 women kissing but because passion should be celebrated.

They bring out the other boxer and they say that 3 and this woman met in a chat room on fetlife called Three strands of Leather. (oddly specific for a dream, especially since it is not a forum/room I’m familiar with). Then this boxing match becomes some very light flogging, and general fetish play.

Almost a peice of performance art rather than in earnest. At one point I am sitting on a couch, with my shoes off in this seedy venue and the other woman sits down and pushes her back to my socked feet. She presses against them as 3 floggs her breasts with this small three inch strand black leather flogger. I liked that but was generally unimpressed with the display.

It seemed to take one of my passions and belittle it. I wanted to take over, take control but instead I settled for being a jaded audience member. Then it was over and two furries took the floor. One dressed in a cow costume and one dressed as a silver fox. The fox mounted the cow. It was a thing but the dream lost focus and I went back to a more standard, can’t find my phone, I’m looking for it everywhere thing.

Strains of cello

The steady beat of a heart unseen
Give rapid pulse of shy ivory
Sinking down quiescent
Last dream of departed sun

Quick breathe held
Pains grasping hand reaching
Sleep soundly now
Now done with seeking

Fear’s choice made mock
Slow path agonizing set to rot
Soft strains of Danse
Fading

Dream

I dreamed that I was living on the fringes of high society. That I was there to some purpose my great grandfather had asked of me. I believe as a spy, to watch the actions of a high society son.

Cut to a scene where a shaman is working with an investment group to buy up the local stores and install there own, like a Native American Walmart. But lawsuits were starting to pile up and the shaman saw the wind and the wind vortexed then shot away, back to his home. In this way he knew it wasn’t going to work and it would be better to keep what they had rather than risk it all on a scheme that was no longer favored.
Then I’m getting invited to a party where the high society son will be, he will likely get into trouble.

Then I and 2 friends prechild, get on a train and go to California but it isn’t cali, it’s the dreamscape that I refer to as little Seattle. There we have a good time and we’re all friends. 

We split off for a time and visit a dreamscape I call the conservatory. It is a near endless series of back corridors but in the front there are movie theatres, opera, plays, Orchestra and all kinds of other acts.

I go to a movie and see a woman who I Last knew generally speaking, in high school by the name of peasblossom, she is watching a movie on the formation of the universe and confides in me during intermission that she can’t leave. I find that I’ve lost my keys, phone and cards. But I’m able to leave and they are at security.

I leave to meet my two friends who are playing a game, A LARP really, but one setup by a company and one that is ongoing and interesting. I get drawn in and am filling out the forms to join. My friends leave, saying that they want to catch dinner before the train ride back.

They seem sad, like me staying is a mistake. But I’m so enraptured by the thought of this new idea that I can’t tear myself away. I tell them I’ll meet them later. The LARP group rejects my application, they say they only accept people that will work towards their goals, not have there own agenda. Dejected and pissed, I tell them that I hope their servers are secure because I’m going to rain down brimstone until their company is aught but charred smoking wreckage.

Then I leave, the elevator is to the arts place, it is more of a conveyance as it travels sideways as well. We eventually arrive near the place I’m to meet my friends but I hear an artist I like and step out. We are in a upscale bar with couches and comfy chairs arranged in concentric semi circles around a group. 3 women, one is smoking, which is a shock, since I haven’t seen anyone smoke in this dream. One is hanging back, knitting and smoking. One is playing the piano, one is singing. I recognize her as a singer by the name of auria, she is singing and bantering with the crowd. She is much older than I remember. The entire crowd is older but I am somehow unchanging. I like the lounge act she has. As they wrap, I get up to meet my friends, then I wake.

This seems disjointed but each scene flowed into the next. The only disconnect was the shaman.  In that I was there as an observer only.  A witness.