Poems

When is a decision not and instead a cell, open door afraid to walk through

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Mind tendrils reaching out
Never quite touching the ones I’ve loved
Words caught in throat
Thinking not to impose
Not to make known
Thoughts always seeking
Touching
Seeing
Still there?
Still living
Never cared for the holidays
Feeling hypocritical asking how you spent it
As if those minutes of minutia excuse the month or more of silence
Time stretches
Stories left untold
Wishing even the scritch of the pen would come
When sound catches throat
But even there
The hesitation grows

Wanting to say
I love you
Not that it matters
Stretching out just to say hi
But failing
Happy Thanksgiving?
No
Cast instead
Voice to the ether
That it be just as lost as I

Mirror image frowns in too patient disapproval

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I wish in these moments of quiet reflection that I was more than this collection of bones stretched thin and lips held silent

I wish I was filled with light and good choices and could see roads forward that led me to my hearts repose instead of being stuck on this roundabout

I wish I could be content in a life of being alone. In this days stretched out unrelenting without
So much easier to dream than live out paths of blood and hope

I wish…but I’m a contrary man, never trusting what comes too easy. Sabotage joy before it begins with choices made too close to the impossible
Begging to be chosen but setting the scene to be left
Or maybe I’m just looking for someone to blame and I could never cast aspersions on someone I love

In our silences, we must all find our own reasons to stay

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In the depths
In the dark
Pressure pulling down
Feet covered in muck
Lungs slowly empty
No panic
Accepted endings
Dying by inches
Unseen in the dark

Faces peer down
Passing by
Looking into the water
Seeing only reflection
Smiling

Pushing free
Swimming up
Breaking surface
Breathing in
Forgoing dissolution
…and maybe peace

To spit in their eyes and stand defiant

Deuce and Seven off suit, all in at the river

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I hate this person I am right now
This open wound
Seething pain
Raw and stretched thin
Reacting to any touch with Claws and fangs

I hate tears coming unbidden
Out of control and over the top
Like threads pulled free from stiches
Spilling out every hurt

I hate this semblance of ok
This cold regard that slips in
This quavering uncertain voice
Sobbing and breaking
Caught between strength and weakness
With no hope

Not even a sliver of future
Turn of the dice
Roll of the wheel
Spin of the cards
The Tower
The Tower
The Tower
Unheeded

Once forgotten
The old wounds
Knife sharp

Treading over familiar ground
Roads carved in blood

Resonant on the frequency of attenuation

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Listening to the background hum
Silence an impenetrable barrier
Hear the rush of blood
Muted cotton closing in
Numb
One too many traumas
Like shock but with less bemusement
Everything normal saying it’s anything but
Something shattered can be mended
Something broken can be healed
Gilt gold edges fixing cracks
But missing,
Or dust and shadows
Complicated makes one long for false rainbows of simpler times
False memories easier than this sound
Of nothing

Break the stick, all is ended

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Wind wall cuts razor thin strips
Skin torn
Retreat to the maelstrom silence
Battered and numb
Minutes away
The harsh wail waiting to be ripped from throat
Waiting to breathe
Heart embraces the shock
So used to this
Tears fall
Deaf in the pain cut silence

Wind bends the branch, leaf dances

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Curve of smile
Dancing in eyes
Mouth forbidden and taunting
Touch of skin
Scant moments away
Like waking from a dream of without
Running away or to
So scared that who I am will be the end
Staying true but flexible to winds fate
Hating the necessity of not walking arm in arm
Listening to your headphones
Wondering what makes you dance
Take a few steps with me in joy
Want to shout my heart to the wolves
Baying hello across desert
Give in to the passionate frenzy
A heart broken and blooming
Dripping petals onto tongue
Taste the beat of my heart

The all too familiar chill of silence

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This grey world
of maybes and waiting
Torn apart
silences and half said hesitation
Stretched out fingers
Fighting inclination
The touch of you
wakes the need
for more of you
Sound of your drawl
igniting long quiet desires

The quiet seeps in
Settling in between bones
In the interstices
Pockets of too heavy air
Robbing voice with grief

Hold you close
make heart known
See you in all the hidden places
Know and accept
I want you still
I want you always
I love the all of you

A reasonable facsimile of happiness painted in viscera

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There are days where my bones are bells chiming discordance
Heart aching days where silence is my only defense through silent screams and sobs
Ugly crying trying to expel the pain of being
Feeling it catch in my throat
Too big to let go of

Days where all the pain is masked by being tired
Sleepless nights looking for escape
Unwilling to take what feels like maybe the only option
But knowing it’s a lie
That success is failure
That failure is one more chance
… To be something other than lonely

I’m a bag of broken clattering together
Making music that soars and sings
All from the painful pieces
Cut open
Hoping this time
This time
To be
Free

Thinning veil breaches all distance

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This furious fire
Coiled serpent lashing out
Looking for whomever hurt you
Wronged you

Encircling you
In passion
In protection
If you want it

Or just us fires together
Looking for new places to burn
Waking in the ash and dust
Rekindled

Each day fires wake
I’m the blade
No mistake
Make

Coiled flywheel passion
Spinning up
Building even as energy
Is expended

Exploration
each precious thought
Pressed to lips and tongue
Tasting

Purr, purr
My Kat
I burn
Mind turned
Eyes set
Mine