Never going away until you want me to leave
lonely
Monster or hero, it’s all a matter of when and where you stand
Go home to the empty
To a night filled with silence
“Have a fun weekend”, they say
Fun
All I have is this job and these words
Connections eroded
Too heavy to bear
These weights forgiven
Tears too heavy
Fall from a single eye
Only one still able to cry
Lost voyager
Edge of the map
Here be monsters
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A reasonable facsimile of happiness painted in viscera
There are days where my bones are bells chiming discordance
Heart aching days where silence is my only defense through silent screams and sobs
Ugly crying trying to expel the pain of being
Feeling it catch in my throat
Too big to let go of
Days where all the pain is masked by being tired
Sleepless nights looking for escape
Unwilling to take what feels like maybe the only option
But knowing it’s a lie
That success is failure
That failure is one more chance
… To be something other than lonely
I’m a bag of broken clattering together
Making music that soars and sings
All from the painful pieces
Cut open
Hoping this time
This time
To be
Free
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White noise
This lonely
A hole inside that cannot be filled by me alone
I need other voices to speak
To be the ones I think of
To want my voice
My thoughts
My passion
I’ve tried the being alone thing
A ghost haunting my life
No rebirth
No chrysalis
Just one step after another
An endless series of days
Only through other eyes do I see
Only through others am I whole
A fatal flaw
A design element out of wack
Or just compassion run amok
It’s never as simple as we need it
And I’ve never been an easy man
Tired of these endless days
Waiting
Stepping
Forward
Away
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Deeply held games that are no such thing
There is pain in the things that are ignored
No rest for the unnoticed
Desires well fed by dreams
Forgotten upon waking
Always they come
Dreams and words
Wanting nothing more than that they stay
Instead dwindle
Grow distant
Declared you mine
You didn’t realize that outlined my obligations
Not yours
But I do wish
You’d say the same
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Weighted value judgment
Sounds spill out
No words make sense
Jumbled sounds said with a smile
The laugh
The grin
Comrades in arms
Disappear at the end of the day
Long silences filled with memes
With fake people and their fake problems
Mirror reflecting stoic
While a heart aches
That basic human touch
Long departed
Unshed tears war with skipped heartbeats
Sitting in the restaurant that I can’t afford
Anything to stop from hearing
The ticking of the air conditioning
In these too silent spaces
Without you
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Retreat to oblivion
Distance spreads us thin
Quiet becomes the perforations
Dripping blood like slow plops
A silent rain
Heartfelt goodnights
Heart emojis
And the too loud rush of blood
No rest for depression
No arms to hold
No eyes to see me
Just this distance
And the soft sound
Of my own breathing
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Soiled paper plates
I am not just a fantasy
I’m flesh and blood and flaws
I’m missteps and mistakes
The things that make me unreal
All hard fought for
Hard won
At the expense of other things
Don’t make of me perfection
It will never last
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Thoughts that spill tears
I haven’t been to sleep in 24 hours
And I can feel the sluggish nature of my thoughts, but I think I’d be OK if I never slept again. Because when I sleep I dream and I remember my dreams. I’m aware in them. And often I’m with someone who loves me. It’s not Morgan anymore. I don’t know who they are. I just know that they wait for me beyond the veil of sleep. They accept and love me for all of me, my flaws, everything that I am. And that’s great but I leave them. I wake and I’m torn away from them over and over. I don’t know how long I can endure that. So not sleeping seems the better course, but I feel like I could be betraying them by staying away. What if they are as real as I am and they wait for me? What if we’re both just searching and this is what we’ve found. It’s both insane and sad when I write it out, but that’s who I am right now. A sad, lonely writer, dreaming of something he had, that it seems he’ll never have again. Madness seams a refuge in that case.
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afternoon’s less hopeful than 3 am
been broken
been battered
but I keep going
keep going
…keep going
but going to what?
what future?
no one to walk this dark road with
nothing waiting for me at the end but a grave and a smile
living for the moment but the moment is faded
nothing holding me here
nothing to tether
my jobs been done, my purpose served
now just an endless litany of lonely days and nights
hustling to fill up the time
until my too healthy body fails me
they say the end is near
but is it ever near enough
negotiated my sentence and got a reprieve
bought and sold but little left to make it worth the time
come nearer to me, oh beautiful death!
kiss me, love me, you’re my last chance.
