Bathe me in the glimmering dark
A breath
Away
From death
Sing me your praises of fallen nights
A drink
Away
From drowning
Kiss me your kindness
A dance
Away
From waking
These dreams I’ve lost to living
These words rasp out a life
Trouble chase but I’m not running
I’ll wield the blade of strife
What do you say when all the words have been said
When the sound of your footsteps walking away seem to echo
What do you say when you are still hopeless, still deeply, deliciously, precariously, in love.
When you tell them every day but only in your head because they are gone but in a maybe temporary way and your heart can’t let go.
What do you say?
Love is a conundrum, a puzzle I can’t solve, a path you cannot walk alone.
Are you so present in my head because of my feelings? Is it metaphysical and our tie is feeding back to me your feelings? Are we just fools? Me for loving, you for silence?
Or am I only allowing the deep river of my feelings to cloud what is real?
Sex can make you feel wanted, make you feel desired. It can bring pleasure and pain. It can make you feel something when you are consumed by nothingness.
But it’s empty. If they are gone in the morning. If there is no connection beyond the physical. If physical compatibility is all you have, then you really have nothing.
There has to be more. I know, from a cismale that’s blasphemy. Believe me, that standard fucks with our brains more than you know. The thought that sex is supposed to be the goal. It’s really unhealthy and it’s pervasive. And it’s false.
I have never felt so empty than after a ‘fun’ and meaningless hookup. Doesn’t matter if it was vanilla or something more. Empty. If it was BDSM, at least there’s aftercare. But it’s not enough.
I want breakfast and discussions. And shared time and laughter. Sex should draw us together. Make us more connected. Not obliterate connection.
My days of pointless wandering are over. I was only ever trying to fill the empty well of her passing. And, as I wake now, seemingly too late. I realize all that drowning in physical pleasure was just a mask for the deep pain of loss.
I seek better. I hope for better. But I fear that I have been lost for too long. That those who would accept me, are no longer available to me. They’ve found their lives and loves. Or stand broken, and unwilling to take a chance on someone who was broken too.
How many times can I say I love you only to be met by silence?
Is it the words you don’t want to hear or is it the emotions?
Do you believe that I must be lying?
Do you believe that telling me that you won’t ever feel that way will make me leave?
I know you don’t feel that way for me.
I can’t help how I feel.
I’ve tried destroying it.
Tried suppressing it.
Tried drowning it.
But it’s always there.
And, even if you told me that you hated me, that you never wanted to talk to me, never see me, never, never never…
I would be silent. Would never contact you, never be there. Because I respect you. But if you need me, you can say and I’ll be hurt. But I’ll help. Because I can’t stop loving.
It’s my fatal flaw.
Of course, if I’m with the person who loves me as I love them. All you’ll receive is my aid, my advice. Just because I can’t stop loving does not mean I’d ever hurt a person who I love for you.
My heart is a fool, my soul dances to his tune, and my mind imposes what order it can.
We sit together in a nice spot with waiters and quiet. Drinking coffee and texting each other. Smiling and holding hands. Occasionally talking. Maybe just reading books together and sharing this great passage that we read. Maybe putting up our phones and kissing like the world has fallen away and only you and I exist. We only leave when we can no longer stand the minutes of being separate and we go to whoevers place is closest. Where we start the dance again until we are both comfortable. Maybe kissing and talking is what we do. Maybe sharing our music and a exploration of lips. We explore each other. That is my perfect date.
I’m a physical person. But I’m also reticent at first. And I enjoy the quiet moments and little truths. A date will always include touching if I’m enjoying it. Because when I touch, my mind encapsulates the memory and it is with me forever. In perfect clarity.
My heart hurts today
Because my love is eternal
Because she cares for me more than I know
But doesn’t love me
And I can’t find my way to keeping her out
Don’t want her out
Just want her to stay
To walk in my secret places
And know she is home
When I love
it burns as molten salt
tracing it’s way through veins and capillaries
bursting from my hands and tongue and eyes
a torrents rush of passion blazing
shattering incandescent
I pour myself into you expecting to be met
to cavort with similar passion
instead find hollow tubes or cool waters
that swallow all that I am
give nothing back
until empty
confused and broken
I am discarded
If I could be your monster
I’d dance you to the river
that we may both drown
or cadence test and timing bound
slip skin and become one
bound round and round
let devour your mind
slip into dark places
touch the deepest, most lurid desires
I guarantee, I won’t be shocked
keep your course by my side
be us monsters together
dance the moonlight
in blood and abandon
So I don’t normally do this but this show is very important to me. Not only does it show LGBTQ+ in a positive light it also shows that their sexuality is just a part of who they are. It is the most inclusive I have ever seen a show that was not specifically about their sexuality. Like Queer As Folk or the L Word. This shows people being people, sexuality included.
When I watch the show I feel proud to be on the journey with these people. I feel good about them. Their world is fraught with danger but they never stop loving. Indeed their world is one of inclusive love and that is always something I will endorse.
If you have not watched it, it is on Netflix and I can’t recommend it enough. It stands at 2 seasons and a teaser episode.
Unfortunately, as of yesterday, it seems Netflix has canceled it. And I feel like they are ripping away something vital and real. Something that truly shows what an accepting loving society could be.
I’ve signed this petition: Save Sense8
I hope you will too. Or at least watch the show.
So I guess I’m with no one right now. Much as I wish it were otherwise. And I find the oddest thing. I find myself ridiculously confident and ok. Not ridiculously happy but ok and my confidence is back. I suppose because I know exactly where I stand and that’s what I need to be this way. I wish I could be with someone and feel this confident. People in a relationship with me know precisely how I feel. Because I tell them. I want someone who is that ongoingly honest and in love. I’m a mad thing and I know it. All passion has its price.
Pelgris 