Thinking about endings and beginnings

I understand how people feel when they say they’d rather be alone.
I understand how they feel when they say they don’t want a relationship.
I understand when they want an uncomplicated life.

It’s easier to be alone than to bend for another.
It’s easier to act in the silence of your own thoughts than to think about how your actions impact others.
It’s easier to be, alone.

The closest approximation is to say that I feel sane. Clear. And I see how this feeling can be construed as better. Because what we tend to remember is the end of the relationship. We remember the pain and uncertainty. We remember that feeling that nothing is right nor will it ever be. We feel that torture and we say, “Never again.”

But….
I remember.
I remember feeling free.
Feeling like each day had greater meaning because I was building something. Something for us.
Feeling like I was growing as a person to fit into this dream.
I remember and I know it’s possible.
The most painful part is that I know it can work and not end in flames and agony.
I have proof.
It took an outside hand to take all.

So, while I enjoy this alone getting to know myself as myself, I know I can’t be like those who are eternally single. I know I’ll take the chance again.
Because, when it works, it is the most beautiful thing I can build. And I’m a better man for it.

Realizations

So I guess I’m with no one right now. Much as I wish it were otherwise. And I find the oddest thing. I find myself ridiculously confident and ok. Not ridiculously happy but ok and my confidence is back. I suppose because I know exactly where I stand and that’s what I need to be this way. I wish I could be with someone and feel this confident. People in a relationship with me know precisely how I feel. Because I tell them. I want someone who is that ongoingly honest and in love. I’m a mad thing and I know it. All passion has its price.