Month: June 2016

Last twitch

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There a flower grows
The yellow heat pours down
From a blue sky, soft rain patters staccato against leaves
The soft loam, smelling clean. Fresh earth and the crisp green of new growth
Fronds reaching out to the blue. Sun pounding down they drink their fill
Dew soaked grass, orange gold sunset and the failing light
The first blush of the darkness found amidst deepening shadows
Soft hushed, sounds quiet, the garden cools in the night air
The stars shine. While across the sky meteors fall like tears
The triumphant moon, full and ripe, arcs ascendant in a loving sky

 

This is the poem I wrote as my last relationship was ending. I wrote a each line in remembrance, over a period of 20 days, as I do not walk away. But It was over. Eventually, when other romance looms heavy, even I must shutter the past. As I did today. Not everything beautiful lasts forever. But sometimes that ending marks the beginning of something better.

My thoughts on the Pulse murders.

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I have been silent. I typically don’t engage on shootings, because typically its an unhinged person or a glory seeker and I have no desire to feed into the machine that gives them the fame they desire and sets the stage for the next unhinged asshole to think that this is the way to go.

But in this case the target was a community that is under siege. Our rights, our lives are legislated. We are discriminated against, we are beaten, we are killed. Zealots, bigots and opportunists use our love as political capital. Every stride we make forward is met with scorn, derision and hatred inspired vitriol. I’d like to point fingers and say “It’s them, they cause this. They’re to blame.” But I won’t. We know who these people are. They know who they are. And they are dying out. The generations that are coming, accept us more and more. Things are changing. Just not fast enough for all of us.

I mourn with my people. I mourn as we all do. We want it to be set right but I’m sorry. We don’t get that. We have more freedom than our predecessors. But we are not free.
We get to live better lives today but we must continue to fight for tomorrow. I know the thought that the day after such mind numbing violence could be part of those better lives is controversial. But this time it wasn’t the police beating and hurting us, as at the Stonewall riot. That is, unfortunately, progress.

Each day we stand together. Each day we press forward to that vital future. That future that we as individuals may never see but that boy or girl or transgender or gender fluid individual in that future will have the opportunity to not feel as we do now. They will be able to live their lives in the turmoil of their times without contending with instutionionalized hate. They get to be free. Because we stand up, we stand tall. We fight back without resorting to base violence wherever possible. We are the voice of reason when all others are losing their minds.

That’s all I have the strength to say.

Cliff diving

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It’s safe to say that I’ve been in a few relationships. Additionally, I’ve dated and had my share of bad dates. I’ve probably been the bad date for some. Too timid or too argumentative in the instances I’m thinking of. But I’ve loved and been loved. Held and been held. I think I know those traits I’m not willing to tolerate and those that make me enthusiastic and all those in between. But it’s that feeling of connection that drives me forward.

I used to exam any connection I felt, measuring all the ways it could go wrong or could go right. I’d spin up scenarios and let them play out, always looking for the perfect way forward. I’d sit on the lip of the cliff, looking over the edge. Backing up, then going right to the edge until I either lost my nerve completely or threw a pebble with a note attached to await a response. It was safe. Got to safe guard the heart, I’d been hurt before and didn’t want to feel that again.

I tried and failed and tried and failed in this way for about 5 years. A few dates, a few false starts but nothing ever came of it. We had a bit of fun is the best I could say. Then I did some mental renovation.

I started by allowing myself the luxury of feeling. Of being a complete emotional being. With my emotions fully integrated with my thoughts, my logic. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been feeling things. Just that I had been hiding behind my walls all safe and cozy. I have a high degree of empathy, and being around others in mental distress can cause a nasty feedback loop. But I was hiding, because a wall is easy. Learning how to deal is hard. So I tore the wall down.

For the first time in years I felt everything. It was crippling for a while. But I refused to step back to my perceived safety. For all that the lows were bad, the highs were more and the general middle was better than the muted existence behind my walls. It took a couple of years to stabilize. But now it has.

There have been other changes, small tweaks here and there.  The manipulation of belief structures and the questioning of long held ideas. A reexamination of every thought and idea to see if I still felt that way or if I was just operating by rote.  This lead to some strides forward and ultimately to the person I am now.  Moving forward, the most complete version of myself. Which is scary, but if it’s scary then that’s a reason to do it.

Now, I’m not afraid of the chasm, I’m afraid of not finding one. So now when I find someone I have connection to, be that emotional, mental or the rare purely physical connection, I jump. I jump off the cliff. I know it is dangerous, I know I’ll likely be hurt. But it isn’t a risk that I’ll feel bad or heartbroken, it’s an opportunity to feel happy, to love and be loved.

So I jump off cliffs, and I fall in love, and I allow my heart to be free.
Grab my hand?

A story(because you wanted one)

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A man wakes up. He wakes up and realizes he is alone. He wakes up and thinks, there is a woman out in the world waking up. She is waking up alone. I wonder if she is waking and thinking these same thoughts. I wonder if she thinks these things and I wonder if she thinks, “I wonder what he’s doing”. This man who is far away.

I wonder these things, because I think these things. And in my hope, I think maybe that we think this, we are less alone. Maybe we’re together despite the distance, despite not knowing each other, despite it all. Because of it all.

Fury of the storm

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Is it hopeless?

I can honestly say that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Found them twice in fact. Because there is not just one person in the world whose soul vibrates at the same frequency, there are many. Sometimes you find them and they are ripped away, sometimes they walk away for reasons of their own, and sometimes you’re just in wildly different mental places and it’s doomed. But those are all endings. Endings take care of themselves.

It’s beginnings and middles that are important. Start boldly, love fiercely. Love them with all that you are. As the rush of the new begins to fade embrace the middle, hold on, renewing your love each day. Sometimes each moment. Find that sharp ache in your heart and fan those flames. Kiss them, hold them, touch them. Find something new or a new aspect of them each day. Change for yourself and out of your desire to be better and more for them. Be the best version of yourself. Love can free you to achieve greatness.

If you find love like this, build love like this, then fight for it, fight for them. Never walk away. If they are in darkness be a beacon out of that darkness. Relationships are difficult but the rewards are beyond the pale. Always remember, endings take care of themselves. Your responsibility is the now and immediate future. By all means, make plans. Just be prepared for those moments when plans go awry and improvisation is the only answer.

Love, love with all that you are. All else is foolish without that.

Nerve endings bloom

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What do you say
when time is decay
Hope’s last echo fading away

Last thrill in the dying light
Cut ribbons of each slight
Bones worn thin from the night

Sounds echoing rasp
Opening the final hasp
Spitting vitriolic trash

Sleep evades
Frowns make way
And loss is all for wanting

The song on repeat

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This is arguably a country song, which I don’t normally enjoy.  But there are always exceptions. And this is one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvZoQhHi65Q

Silly heart: revisited

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The reality is I’m starting to fall for you. I get butterflies when I see that you liked something and when you comment it makes me feel, about what I posted, validated. It’s not a game. It’s what I feel and I don’t want to play games with you regarding my feelings. What I am is afraid. Not just afraid that if I say something, it will be revealed that I’m reading far too much into things. But also that I may lose someone who genuinely likes my work, because I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.

You asking if it was a game was like a kick to the stomach. It’s not a game. I would never knowingly play with someone’s emotions like that. It’s a action dictated by fear. I only didn’t realize that until something was said. Now that I know I must face it. As I feel I have by publishing a response. Tell me whatever you wish. I wait.

Silly heart

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I feel foolish whenever I start to fall for someone I don’t really know. We’ll have some points of commonality. We’ll like the same things or find it easy to talk to each other. We’re not dating or doing anything overtly romantic but I start to fall anyway. I know its happening and I don’t want it to stop. Even though I, intellectually, know it will end badly. With me heartbroken and them at least confused.

It’s feels good. And as long as they don’t know of my explicit interest, I can go easy. I don’t need the constant communication I desire in a relationship because they don’t know. They can’t be expected to do something if they don’t know it’s happening.

I anticipate speaking with them. If you’ve ever seen Simon’s Cat roll around in catnip, its like that. Them talking or just commenting is like a release, a total releasing of tension.

And secretly, in my heart of hearts, I hope they are falling too. That, maybe they will break the tension first. And we can begin in earnest.

I often desire what I cannot have. It is a real problem. Perhaps this is another manifestation of that, but would I change it so that I don’t fall so easily? I don’t think so.