I find myself thinking about you.
And, of an instant, the flash as you are in my arms and I’m kissing you
Lips pressing and holding the words left unsaid
Tongue slipping against tongue
like a dam breaking
the flood of might have been collapsing down to this moment
where our choice is each other
and a fierce joy for each future minute
we will face unafraid
Secure in the knowledge
that we will face it together.
Sleep eludes me in my bed
As thoughts swim in the rarified air
Of what might yet be
But heart reminds
She sleeps curled up
Deep within us
And though we wake
And are alone
hope and desire bloom anew
The reality is I’m starting to fall for you. I get butterflies when I see that you liked something and when you comment it makes me feel, about what I posted, validated. It’s not a game. It’s what I feel and I don’t want to play games with you regarding my feelings. What I am is afraid. Not just afraid that if I say something, it will be revealed that I’m reading far too much into things. But also that I may lose someone who genuinely likes my work, because I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.
You asking if it was a game was like a kick to the stomach. It’s not a game. I would never knowingly play with someone’s emotions like that. It’s a action dictated by fear. I only didn’t realize that until something was said. Now that I know I must face it. As I feel I have by publishing a response. Tell me whatever you wish. I wait.
I feel foolish whenever I start to fall for someone I don’t really know. We’ll have some points of commonality. We’ll like the same things or find it easy to talk to each other. We’re not dating or doing anything overtly romantic but I start to fall anyway. I know its happening and I don’t want it to stop. Even though I, intellectually, know it will end badly. With me heartbroken and them at least confused.
It’s feels good. And as long as they don’t know of my explicit interest, I can go easy. I don’t need the constant communication I desire in a relationship because they don’t know. They can’t be expected to do something if they don’t know it’s happening.
I anticipate speaking with them. If you’ve ever seen Simon’s Cat roll around in catnip, its like that. Them talking or just commenting is like a release, a total releasing of tension.
And secretly, in my heart of hearts, I hope they are falling too. That, maybe they will break the tension first. And we can begin in earnest.
I often desire what I cannot have. It is a real problem. Perhaps this is another manifestation of that, but would I change it so that I don’t fall so easily? I don’t think so.