Stiff knee soliloquy

You’ll never be here watching me sleep
Days passing by
Cuddled under my raven blanket
Sad songs singing through my bedroom
You’ll never see my hand kneed the soft cat sleeping next to me
The rise and fall
Breathing in and out
Never see my arm hugged around a pillow
Thrown wide at an odd angle
Remembering what it was to sleep near another
Never know that my dreams are of you
And when I wake
To music and white stucco ceilings
Tears and absence will be my companion
And a cat and penguin
And words
Said into silence

Thin lines of blood crisscross the heart

Sometimes I wake up with all the pain of loss in my heart
My mind rushing to consciousness through a gauntlet of each person I’ve loved who have died or left or are so distant that any hope of us remains in the realm of dreams that never were

I wake in this tearing agony as if my dreams were filled with my loves and waking is the cutting blade ripping me open

I wake like this and go to work
Where people don’t know the wonderful people who I’ve carved myself up, open to
Where explaining even a tenth of what I feel would earn at best pity and most likely contempt

And as weary as I grow of this pain, those who care must read my torment and have nothing else to say. All the words have been said. All the sympathy given. And we are all left hollow and we are all stuck on the fringes of understanding. Each of us a world alone.

I stay away, awake as long as I can. The torment of staying away from sleep and the comforts of not thinking. Stay awake to keep from that moment of wake

Still, in dreams we are together. Different me’s, different you’s; watching their lives unfold
Happy that somewhere we are found
Until that moment when again, all is lost

Knives of jade spill blood as beauty

Exhale
Curved sinuous
Turned crystalline
Cuts tongue
Choked words spill onto bloody snow

Hand caresses soft skin
Warmth blooms
Frozen over

Cracked slough
Weights too heavy to bare
Fall away

Pepper frozen blood
Shrapnel burst
Flayed of protective cover

Hopeful anew
Slowly dying
In the brittle
Bone chill
Of morning
Long before the dawn

Enough blood and pain to drown a nation

Lost myself in a fantasy
Where all was equality
Wake to a world without
Cast a whole worldview into doubt
Clay falling away from feet
Scales from eyes
It’s time to rise
And take control of the dream

One day soon
For the future
Not some mythic illusion
Of pasts false reflection
Greatness based on perception
Hard to see who you’re stepping on
When your head is looking for a horizon

This reasonable revolution
Accountability of public perception
Crying for the promises of privilege
Exposing the corruption
Seeing the body America
Turn over and smell the rot
Maggots feasting on long dead flesh

Cut away our delusions
Remember ideals and not the realities of them
Bigots, Monsters, and Liars
For one moment gave in to idealism
Slice up the foundation
Look to the building

A future for looking
An all seeing eye that was once willfully blind
Raise up arms and voices
No more standing by
Standing silent

(A call to arms of the seemingly unaffected
False safety because you’re protected
Take up arms or be ejected
Useless casings without the powder to burn

If you aren’t angry
You’re still sleeping
Time to wake up before you find
Your Bolivian smile

We hear privilege and say we haven’t been handed anything
Anything but safety
Anything but the benefit of the doubt
Anything but the automatic acceptance of competence

It’s easy to be
When you live in a echo chamber
Reflections of the predator
Decrying the unfairness of being treated like prey) 

Dream

I dreamed of many things but primarily of a woman who would get caught in a world of words. Get lost in them. In the dream, I met her on a trip. It was the mountain dreamscape. A natural and wild area. I was camping and she was out in the wilderness and we shared a fire. It was cold, so we shared a chair next to the fire. Her snuggled in my lap. Her head against my heart.

The dream shifted to a woman telling a story about how she sometimes fell into a world where words would send her spinning. Where the words themselves become a world and she feels like she is fighting to get clear. To get home. And it’s like I’m riding along in her mind. I can see all of this, the fight and the journeys that take lifetimes and moments. That seems like pauses where she gets lost and is inattentive but really she is struggling with everything she has to get back.
Then I’m watching her give a talk about a book she’s written about the experience of her affliction and I find she has dedicated the book to me.

And the dream shifts and we’re in bed, my real bed complete with too many pillows and crimson sheets. And I turn to her and say, “Really? I really mean that much, help you that much that you want the world to know?”
She says, “of course, you keep me in the world. When you are here, I rarely slip away and rarely for long. And I remember that night on the ridge when you didn’t know me but you shared your fire and warmth.”
I say, “I love you, you are mine.” she smiles like I’ve given her the best news and we hold each other. Then I get up to get ready to go to work. But I’m waking from the dream and I don’t want to. I return to bed and hold her. She says, “I thought you were going to work.” I say, “I don’t want to leave here.” and I break and say “please, don’t leave me. Please, stay. Please.”

Then I wake completely. And she is gone. And I am crying.

Candy and Absinthe

Spread my wings out
To fly
But they
Are made of bones

Just fighting
To stay alive
Just tired
Of being
Alone

Stretch my hand
Out to the sky
I know you’re
Worth the fight

Kiss me
I’m falling
Catch me
I’m losing my mind

One touch and
I’m home
So tired
Of being alone

But you’re here
You’re real
These things that
I feel

These doubts that
Beat
In my chest
False prophets
Caged in regret

But you’re here now
You’re real
Wake me, from this dream

Kiss me
I am clean

A story(because you wanted one)

A man wakes up. He wakes up and realizes he is alone. He wakes up and thinks, there is a woman out in the world waking up. She is waking up alone. I wonder if she is waking and thinking these same thoughts. I wonder if she thinks these things and I wonder if she thinks, “I wonder what he’s doing”. This man who is far away.

I wonder these things, because I think these things. And in my hope, I think maybe that we think this, we are less alone. Maybe we’re together despite the distance, despite not knowing each other, despite it all. Because of it all.