The flensing knife turns inward

I’ve been creatively burnt out for the last few weeks. It’s not entirely anything to do with the big things like work or relationships. It’s the little things that I have let eat away at my free time. Leaving me with no time to sit and be. No time to experience the world as time slips away.

Being so busy that any time…and here I have to stop and redirect because work crept in. Because it’s gotten to be insidious. It slips into any crack which if I turn it off, it becomes that I was unreachable and that is the issue.

Which is why I am writing this at 4am.

In alot of ways work is better, my relationship is better but my friendships and my writing and my actual life seems to have all suffered.

I have never been one to strike a balance. I throw myself completely into things. And that passion sees me through but it also breaks me.

It’s the inevitable, inexorable schism between what is needful and what is best. And much as I thrive in the situation where the world is burning and every action I make can turn the rudder, eventually…the boat sinks and the drowning begins.

And I am oh so weary of dying by inches in that way.
Something has to happen. And I don’t know if I have the mental fortitude to make the life choices required.

It seems like I was so much happier when I was a villain. But maybe it was just that I was young and didn’t see the terminus. The inevitability of less ahead than behind.

Balancing

The worst feeling in the world is not knowing, it is unfortunately also the best. When we don’t know we can choose to believe that everything is OK, that the reason we don’t know is something funny or slightly disappointing like their phone is dead or some other small thing.

But there is the flip side, that we don’t know because someone, most grievously, the person we are waiting to hear from has chosen to not tell us. But, it could be worse. Perhaps they are restrained from telling or perhaps they are dead.

Not knowing, due to my nature, is always balanced on the razors edge. The edge where both the worst and best are possible. That until we check the box, we can’t know the state of the cat.

Worse in this case because not knowing where, I cannot even begin to find out. Its like finding a specific needle in a drawer full of needles.