Thoughts

Thoughts on silence and sanity 

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The fog clears as the days pass. As I exam my actions. When I am in the beginning throes of new relationship passion, I can be a lot to take. I’m passionate and attentive. But also nuts and needy. If we at least talk on a daily basis for about half an hour, I’m good. I can keep myself in the bounds of sanity. But if not, I can become overbearing in my need to be heard. To be seen in the relationship.

 The people I’m attracted to tend to value my intense passion but there is another side to that coin. And that other side is possessive and a little nuts. Of course, if we talk, I lose that edge of crazy. Maybe that is what is most disconcerting, the lack of consistency. I’m at fault for letting the train get away from me. In the silence, I fill the void with my every addled thought until the next communication and I calm for a time.

 Which is why I place such heavy emphasis on communication. I know I can get nuts. I want to minimize that. In some cases that’s not possible, due to circumstances, so a lot of understanding please. I’m not really that round the bend, as anyone who actually knows me can attest to. And when it is possible, do me the courtesy and yourself a favor and talk to me on the regular.

Waking dream 

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She stood before me. Tall in her heel, standing fierce. The soft paleness of calves curve upward. Her form is strength and hardship. But soft, so soft. Flesh that takes the markings of our lovemaking, that marks the lines of her possession. The heady scent of her cunt mingles with her soft perfume. Smelling of delicacy and delight, recalling the taste of her sweetness. Eyes take in the slight abundance of belly, this she sees as flaw and I see as beautiful. Yielding, the sound of a flogger slapping lightly, further marking her as mine. Her breasts are pillows, showing my bite marks, bruising in blacks, blues and yellows. She says they hurt and remind her of my attention and intention throughout the day. Each mark, each bruise, each small pain, reminding her of my total possession.

She watches me drink her in, wicked grin on her face. This our ritual each time. Her grin bursts wider pulling deep within me. This the smile that makes me want to ravish her, to take her until there is nothing left but grunts and pain and pleasure. All humanity torn away. Give in to shear animalistic rutt.

Her eyes twinkle, like she knows what I’m thinking. Like she knows and deeply approves. Knowing in my gaze and less than tender mercies, finally at last, how truly beautiful she is.

Pax West formerly Pax Prime

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In one months time, I will be in Downtown Seattle for PAX. It’s a gamers convention. One I have, in the past, thoroughly enjoyed. I go now because if I don’t, I will lament it. Though it is a culture I feel increasingly out of place in. I just don’t play many games anymore. As the demands on my time, with writing and relationships and work, have increased. My times spent playing games decreased. It’s not that I enjoy them any less, merely that I don’t immediately turn to them as my entertainment outlet. If my friend were not going, I would not go on my own.

I think as the years have worn on the distinct flavor of this convention as inclusive has worn away. Much of the unique aspects have fallen away, leaving a soulless corporate shell. Since the originators have stepped further and further back from the organizing of the event, so too has many of the personal touches gone away. It runs efficiently now but much of the character is missing. I may spend more time in the local Rum bar than at the convention.

If anyone lives in or will be in the Seattle area and wants to meet up or hang out, drop me a line at Pelgris@gmail.com

Dealing with open wounds

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Time heals nothing. It’s our fading memories that give rise to this statement. We forget. The closest I get to forgetting is compartmentalizing those experiences into a specific mindstate. I might even code the mindstate to a locale. I sometimes wish my mind allowed me to forget completely. But then I’ll recall a conversation or a smile or dancing with Morgan. I’ll recall a kiss or a touch. And as much as these memories are melancholic, I would not trade them for the temporary comfort of forgetting. Of losing them.

7 words to make a person fall in love

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I will never stop communicating with you
I will never deliberately cause you pain
I desire to make your dreams manifest
All else pales in comparison to you
Just wondering, will you dance with me
I collect wine. Would you like some?
I want to know all your thoughts

Lists in poet voice are more fun

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​44 Odd Things You Don’t Know About Me

Answered in Poet Voice
1. Do you like blue cheese? spice wind melting in bones and memory

2. Have you ever smoked? char fails on the passage

3. Do you own a gun? a blade is a truer weapon

4. What is your favorite flavor? that which lies betwixt, in hushed breath and moan

5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits? Stout is the heart that beats

6. What do you think of hot dogs? the mystery lays in within

7. Favorite Movie? whichever calls to my heart in the waning moonlight

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? the bean made thick by cream, made sweet by flowing darkness

9. Do you do push ups? nought as exercise though  surely in other pursuits

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? by the elder sign I am called, and the challenge is met

11. Favorite hobby? the mind plays in the shade of the hedgerows

12. Do you have A.D.D.? Calm waters reflect the sky

13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? my heart blooms too often under an unforgiving sky

14. What is your middle name? a legacy from the river that birthed me

15. Name three thoughts at this time? a past fraught with pain, words that burn and break, the shifting sands of the changeable future

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? rain as it drops from the winter sky, whiskey poetry itself, the fermentation of the the darkest orbs

17. Current worry? hearts broken and renewed

18. Current annoyance right now? labors unappreciated

19. Favorite place to be? in dream, where what was may be again

20. How do you ring in the new year? Alone, the days passing, together in revelry

21. Where would you like to go? into the arms of those that love me by choice rather than blood

22. Name three people who will complete this. Those who will it, those who fear it, and those who wish to be seen

23. Do you own slippers? naught but skin shods my feet in comfort

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? nights blissful song

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? though cool, enfold me in soft and warm of simple cotton

26. Can you whistle? if a dog could whistle, my tune in this regard would still not carry

27. What are your favorite colors? as the day falters and dies, the colors of the night dance and sway, a crimson river, drying to beauties rest

28. Would you be a pirate? am I not already, to take and speak as one voice, one vote?

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? As one descending though darkness is on fire

30. Favorite girls name? Morgan

31. Favorite boys name? Kvothe

32. What’s in your pocket right now? hope and a blade

33. Last thing that made you laugh? I cannot recall

34. Best toy as a child? curiosity and freedom to move

35. Worst injury you ever had? a step, a twist, a break, then steps, then break

36. Where would you love to live? in the hearts of my lovers, in their arms

37. How many TV’s do you have? a single window in other worlds

38. Who is your loudest friend? Scott of the laughing words and the sad eyes

39. How many dogs do you have? I suffer from a paucity of canines though I share space with carnivores of the feline persuasion

40. Does someone trust you? All whom I count as friends may trust me, unto death

41. What book are you reading at the moment? Deadly Sting by Jennifer Estep

42. What’s your favorite candy? soft milk chocolate encasing in geometric glory the honey nougat of a far off land

43. What’s your favorite sports teams? for myself, I can speak but none

44. Favorite month? When summer slips into memory and winter strides merry and dark, in masked celebration between this aetheric and the next
Now, YOUR TURN!!!

Thoughts on rules and love

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A friend of mine asked if being ghosted was a betrayal. She was trying to put it in perspective. And, I think, to give me an out. However, it was not betrayal. It was just sad. And my rules aren’t meant to make my life easier. They are meant to force me down ways I would not normally travel. Put another way, I serve them. They do not serve me. My rules are harsh like navigating a path filled with thorns all sharp and pointed inward. Their purpose is to mold me into the things I want for myself. If the easy path, the easy answer didn’t always beckon.

I mention this to highlight one of my rules.

Wherever love is possible, it must be allowed to flourish.

This is a rule built on the back of my rule to not betray. And my rule that you serve something other than yourself. It’s a sub rule blending aspects of both primary rules.

Where I see love possible, I will open my heart to it. Even if it destroys me in this life.
If a relationship fades but love still exists and that relationship did not fail for breach of a primary rule and should I not be committed to another, I will open my heart and welcome my love back. We will try again.

I know it seems foolish. And possibly dangerous, but judicious application of the other rules make it far less so.

I believe love is worth the risk. Worth the cost.

My rules enforce that belief.
I say rules but mean code. A person needs a code. A ruleset that can be lived by a mortal and which serves to elevate them.

Just some thoughts on the subject

Reaching for the light but ending up with shadows

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I don’t think it’s truly set in that she is no longer mine, If she ever was. That she doesn’t want me, if she ever did. I would have done anything to be with her. All she needed to do was ask. I suppose I keep looking.

But for now I need to deal with this sadness. Of what might have been. Of what we are/were. And the fact I’m having trouble letting her go. More than that, that I don’t care how much it hurts me, that I still want her. But we all make our choices and, {my foolish heart demands I say this} at least for now, she has made hers.

Why ghost?

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If I allow myself to, I will wallow in pain and hope until my world turns corrupt and only pain can bring me back around. 2 times in one year. Ghosted.

I am guessing that I seem like I would be an asshole or cause problems if I were just told the truth. Not the case. Honor demands that I treat honesty with respect. Even if I hate it. Sounds like bullshit, right? I’ve built up a lifetime of being in control. When I am with someone, I give up some of that control to let them in. Into my heart.

I write poetry about them. In these instances, I say goodnight and good morning. I say what’s in my heart. Always. And I warn, I always want a step further than people are generally willing to give. Tell me so I know where the line is.

Instead of telling me, they just leave. Disappear. Stop responding. That I don’t understand. Just let me know. Tell me. Telling me your boundaries, your hard limits are not going to phase me. Communication, please. Tell me something is a hard limit and I will back off. How can leaving be better? I left one time. One time I ghosted out. It is one of my biggest regrets. I had to get in touch with her, and did.

Ghosting out damaged me. Damaged my view of my self. I will never do it again. How can people ghost over and over? Do others have so little value to them? Or do they value their own worth so little?

I’m just rambling, trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to understand.