Reaching for the light but ending up with shadows

I don’t think it’s truly set in that she is no longer mine, If she ever was. That she doesn’t want me, if she ever did. I would have done anything to be with her. All she needed to do was ask. I suppose I keep looking.

But for now I need to deal with this sadness. Of what might have been. Of what we are/were. And the fact I’m having trouble letting her go. More than that, that I don’t care how much it hurts me, that I still want her. But we all make our choices and, {my foolish heart demands I say this} at least for now, she has made hers.

10 thoughts on “Reaching for the light but ending up with shadows

  1. Sir's nijntje July 25, 2016 / 6:17 pm

    When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time. maya angelou
    Not sure if this helps, but it helps me …

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pelgris July 25, 2016 / 6:30 pm

      It doesn’t. Since this is about what I feel. Not about how we got there.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sir's nijntje July 25, 2016 / 6:36 pm

    Perhaps if you understand that the person you coveted was not the truth? What they are showing you now is the truth …. do you want or miss that? I find most people can’t even be real with themselves, certainly not with the rest of us …. It takes a strong person to be realistic, and an even stronger person to be real with someone else …. perhaps your Lady X is just not yet strong enough???

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pelgris July 25, 2016 / 7:01 pm

      I knew she was flawed, that there was a streak of walk away in her. I knew she would act out of pure self interest if she felt cornered. I saw and hoped I could convince her, show her enough of myself to trust me. That I would never corner her or force her to choose. I knew who she was. I love her despite. We are together responsible for what happened and where we are. Both for her actions and my inability to get through. I don’t know what I could do differently. But I need to examine and see if there was something. It would be easy to have her shoulder all of the responsibility. That’s how I know it’s wrong to do so.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sir's nijntje July 25, 2016 / 7:10 pm

    perhaps your view of self interest is simply self preservation? I have known it to look and feel the same to the outside world, but to the person doing it….it is simply fight or flight!


    • Pelgris July 25, 2016 / 7:22 pm

      She may have felt it was self preservation. But to preserve her from what? I would never have harmed her by my conscious action or allowed harm to stand and not be corrected by an unconscious one.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sir's nijntje July 25, 2016 / 7:29 pm

        Emotions are not rational Sir, but they are no less real …. that was a hard lesson learnt here. It is not personal, and that is your only way in …. at least it was for my Sir. He became my buffer, and did not take my ‘crazy’personal. Everyone has their own story and this one might be too late, but perhaps for the next …
        Whatever the case, I hope you find peace.


        • Pelgris July 25, 2016 / 7:43 pm

          I know it may not be rational but also note that part of her story is untold. That lays between us and I will not breach trust. If I seem rational, cold even, then it is only because I need to on some level be in control or I’ll spin apart. You may be right it could have been fight or flight, but this was more extreme. 3 times prior she flew as it were and 3 times I brought her back. If she had talked with me instead of cutting me off, we would be OK. I believe that. She is still in my heart. I hope she knows that and knows that I would welcome her back. But without communication it’s impossible. I’ve tried every route available and have been shut out.


    • Pelgris July 25, 2016 / 7:23 pm

      And if it was fight or flight, then I need her to know that I’m still here. My heart is still open.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.