Dream

A chair like no other

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This is a chair incomparable.  It has lived through dark times. It served honorably in the great ottoman uprising of 2012 and was instrumental to the Fabulous New year’s eve party of 2014 that resulted in that riot everyone’s heard about.  In the last few days it has fallen on hard times.  A bleak depression overcame it and during a horrendous dust storm that covered the land from mountain to valley it was hurtled through the air and now sits damaged and desolate. In order to raise the funds necessary to see to it’s rehabilitation a gofundme has been created. Please give whatever you can.  Won’t someone please think of the children of future generations that will get to experience this wonder?

 

https://www.gofundme.com/mydearpatiochair

(this is a friends gofundme)

 

Dream

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I dreamed that I was at PAX. It was the final round of the Omegathon and me and my friends were up front watching. And we were talking about something or other when I get some information that this person, this woman that holds my interest and has for months, this amazing person who I would do nearly anything for might need help.. I find myself describing why I need to get to her. How she’s so important, that even though we are only talking and never met in person, she means the world to me. I say that I am going to her even though I don’t have the means, since I’m on vacation, at the end of it. I take off and get on the train, there are all these people I’ve known there and when I tell them that I’m going to go get this woman, who I then realize I love. My friend comes up and says that some of the Movers and Shakers at PAX heard me since we were so close to the stage and the they provided plane tickets and other things like a place to stay. Everyone is so happy for me except my parents. They hate the idea, they try to keep me from her and I call them out on the evil shit they’ve started to believe. We have a giant fight in full view of strangers and friends. They shun me, disown me. But it doesn’t matter. Only she matters. My friends offer me places to stay, give me support, all to help me get to her. I get on another train. I’m going to her. My heart happy and full. I don’t know what the future holds, but if she’s in it, I’ll be happy.

I’m not going to rescue her, the feeling is that we are rescuing each other. Or she is rescuing me.

Waking from a dream at 4AM

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My heart whispers to me, “wouldn’t it be amazing if she comes to us today and says ‘I know you have tickets to the Symphony, why didn’t you invite me’
to which we reply ‘You know why.  I am in love with you and I can’t be around you without that knowledge.  It would be disingenuous of me to ask you to go without you knowing that I want more than just friends.  It’s painful to be around you on anything but that.  Are you saying you want to explore whether you have or could fall for me?’
then she would say ‘I’m not sure’  uncertainly, and we would reply ‘
what are you not sure of? I can only promise what I did all those months ago.  That I will do my level best to not hurt you.  That I will always be honest with you.  That I will do anything I can to help you in whatever endeavor you choose to give try to. ‘
and she will look at us with hope and say’ that’s what I want’.”

My brain looks at my heart for a long minute as my heart smiles and fidgets with nervous energy.  My brain says “Gods love you, that is a beautiful scenario you have there.  But you Must know, it’s not going to happen.  She doesn’t have the courage to come to us under those circumstances, and she has made it clear as mud that she’s not interested in us in that way.” My heart replies, earnestly, “But it could happen.” To which my brain just shakes his head. 

And this is why I wake and my heart hurts.  Because it cannot let her go and I love here enough to forgive and move on past nearly anything.  It gets easier to bear the pain of not being with her.  Of not talking daily, of not being what we were and what we could be.  The pain becomes just a part of my daily burden.  But my heart still hopes.  It is a fool.  I’m a fool for having some part of me that thinks this might happen.  But that part is beautiful, even if he is a fool.

To sleep…

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I go to sleep now, eyes heavy.  Unable to escape the draw of escape into another world.  To all who I love, have loved or will love, I will look for you as I dreamwalk.  Live with me a lifetime and if, on waking, you find it was not enough, perhaps you will contact me.

Dream

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I dreamt that I met a beautiful woman, she was thin, slightly shorter than me, small, almost flat chest, elegant hands perfect for holding or kissing. She was smart and we talked about music. I kissed her and she was gentle at first, then more forceful. Her hair was soft and I ran my hands over her. Trailing the edge of fingernails over the lingerie, black lace she wore. So damn sexy. I moved to go down on her and found a surprise. A five inch cock. Thin and perfectly groomed. I looked up at her and could see the fear and trepidation in her eyes. Holding her eyes with mine I ran my tongue up the length of her surprise. I took her in my mouth, running my tongue against the softness, sucking and swirling. Replacing my mouth with my hand, I trailed kisses up her abdomen, paused to suck a tit, then kissed the small of her throat. I whispered to her, your beautiful. I remember having sex but not the rest of the specifics. I woke beside her, her ass snuggled down against me. I reach over an pinch a nipple. She turns to me and murmurs good morning and looking into her hazel eyes I am turned on. We have sex again. I ask her out to a real date. We go eat Italian. Then we are leaving the restaurant and as we exit, her in the crook of my arm, snuggled against me. I hear someone say something behind us, something like Faggots. Maybe they saw her lovely little Adam’s apple. A woman is who she is, a dick is what she has. Anyway, I’m enraged. I turn and ask, threateningly, did you say something? He swaggers over and says, I said Faggot. I say, Oh, I thought you said please stab me multiple times and leave me to bleed out in an alley. I pull a blade. He backs away, fear in his eyes. I turn back to my beautiful. She has fear in her eyes too. I put the blade away. I walk up to her and holding her hands, I say You are mine. I will protect you from every hurt as best I can. We walk off to the movie. That’s all I remember.

Dreamwalk

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Vlor and Via: Vior .  You are always safe and welcome in my arms.  Remember when you wake and find me. I have no judgment for how you live your lives, I welcome you as you are.

Dream

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I lost last nights dream. The only bit I take away is the name of someone important. Rebecca, Rebehka. I remember it sounds like the first but has a different spelling.  I don’t know anyone named that or any variation of that.  So, someone I’ve yet to meet? I wish I could remember why they are important.

Hold me?

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I still love every one I have ever loved. I now say I care instead of I love. But this is just a safeguard. A check to maintain the status qo. It is merely that the pain of those lost to me is piled on top of the mountain of pain that I live upon. And each new pain begins to spin out, to cover what came before, in a thin layer that is endurable. How can I expect to find someone who will love me if I cannot let go my pain. Am I getting better or merely becoming better at deluding myself. So many nights and days I don’t want sex, I just want to be held. But, I’ll term it as sex because that is seemingly more socially acceptable than to admit to this weakness. This need for connection.

That is a male problem. We’re not allowed to seem weak. I can get away with crying in public, with being emotional and many other things because I am seen as strong. Unassailable, but vulnerability, that is too far. And truthfully I don’t care what others think, but social mores make things difficult. This is all cold detachment. An effort to bring myself back under control as, as I write this, tears stream down my face. So overcome am I that tears are my only outlet. I want my Morgan back. I want to hold Eric one last time. I want what cannot be.

Dream lover

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I keep dreaming, and in my dreams you find me. And sometimes I screw up and you go away. And sometimes I screw up and you give me another chance.
Sometimes you betray me, and I want to stick to my principles and walk away. Sometimes I do and my life crumbles like a mansion built on the side of a hill in a mudslide. Sometimes I walk and it adds to the weight of loss I already carry. Sometimes, I forgive you but the relationship is never the same.
Sometimes we forgive each other and are stronger for it. Sometimes we make it work, a lifetime of joy and hardships, lived out in the span of a night.
Each time I wake enough in the dream I send out, recklessly, where I am. What I look like. Hoping you are a dreamwalker too and that you’ll remember and find me or when I find you, you will see me and think that’s the guy. The one I dream about. Maybe it’s foolish or crazy to believe in magic and this idea.
Maybe, but what if we are looking for each other and this is the avenue open to us? I’ll take it, if I can find you. And if I don’t, we don’t, then the lifetimes we live in dreams will have to be enough. I’ll meet you there my sweet dream.

Dream

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I dreamed I was crossing this busy street by my house, that there was a woman there and that she was crossing the street too she pointed out a oil slick and I walked right through it saying ” my shoes have great traction”. I went on and on about them and she smiled and asked questions. I was very proud of those shoes. We got to our destination in this vast parking lot, my truck. Usually in these dreams where my truck features, I can’t find it. I’m giving her a ride somewhere I pull out my keys and when I, a large man steps from the shadows and demands my keys. I tell him not a chance and he says “fine, I’ll just take it”. I pull my blade from a pocket and flip out the blade. He pulls out a 4 inch knife. I rush him, then hear a shot ring out. My companion took out a gun and shot him, quick as you please. I look over at her and say. “I had it handled.” she says, oh yeah, what were you going to do? Get stabbed until he got tired. No. I retorted, I was going to take the first hit in my stomach and then stab him. Great plan she says, I especially love the part where you get stabbed, stupid. Then we are driving and we just arrive, at her destination. I see that there is blood on my clothes so I go over to some kind of secret cache that has a washing machine. I take off my clothes and set them to wash, and I step into the shower. The whole time she is right there with me, keeping up a conversation. I am utterly unselfconscious around her. We talk while I shower. We end up going back to my place and we are talking with my sister about music, going through a new lot of music and then it cuts to us sitting back to back, holding each other up while my family talks about something or other. Her hand finds its way under my shirt and she is fondling my pecs. I return the gesture then we get up and go to my room, she sits on the bed then we cut forward to her leaving in a vehicle purchased by my father for her. For saving my life. I try to get her to stay but she says if I try to keep her too close I’ll lose her. I let her go. That scene or variants of that scene occur several times. Each time I’m more desperate for just a few minutes more with her. She comes back into my life and she’s in trouble. Some Russian drug dealer wants this pill she stole. I only care that she was in trouble, I set up a elaborate plan that involves a rival drug kingpin. Set it up so there is an apparent double cross and they take each other out while we walk out of the meet unharmed. We are holding hands and happy. . Fade to black. No memories of the dream then but I wake to my brain singing, “going to the chapel and I’m gonna get married”. And I mean actually singing it not dreamed. But as I wake