Pelgris

This past year

December 16, 2016PelgrisLeave a comment

Anyone who has been with me, reading this blog, knows that I fall in love and I fall in love and I fall in love. And you may wonder, is my heart so fickle that it falls in love so often? Or am I unable to commit and so flit from love to love?

The answer is neither of those things. My feeling is that we choose to shut ourselves off. We choose to love stingyly. Because it hurts. Because pain is so hard to take when the relationship ends. We convince ourselves that because it did not last, it must not have been love.

We do ourselves a disservice. Love is not so fickle. In our aversion to pain, we choose to allow our hearts to fade.

I did this for a long time. For 6 years. And you may not think that is that long. But to me, it was a prison I didn’t know how to get out of. I had to be pulled out of it.

That relationship failed, but it woke me up. I began to see again. And what I chose, ultimately it is a choice, what I chose is love. To not reject love. To not seek it, but to allow it.

So, in the natural course of being a poet, of seeing into people, of seeing who they are. In the moment. I see their unique beauty. Even if we are just words. Even if we never meet.

We are still hearts and minds and desires. And allowing ourselves to be honest with each other and ourselves, we allow for love. We give ourselves permission to fall in love. To jump from the precipice and fall. Exhilaration and pain, always hoping that there is no bottom. That you fall as well and we choose to love with fierceness.

To love each day. To not let love flair then fade, the flames must be fed. Sharing ourselves. Sharing everything. And each new piece is beautiful. Each new piece reminds me of why I jumped and why many people are worth the fall.

Love gloriously, love thoroughly, love without end. Because they don’t. My heart is not fickle. Those I love, I love forever. I hold that love forever. Love is not a finite resource. It is infinite. Relationships fail for any number of reasons, but love fails only when we allow it to. When we get distracted by the noise and the comfort of saying that the relationship failed because it wasn’t love. The lie we tell ourselves. Because if it was love, then the relationship failed because of us. And then you are forced to examine why and who you are. Always the hardest part.

So. My love is not fickle. It is a fire that rages, a sky in storm, an ocean in depth. It is eternal. I won’t hold myself to a lesser standard. But, you. You I will forgive, because I love you.

I woke

December 11, 2016PelgrisLeave a comment

Feeling the blood pound through my veins
Thinking only of you
My passion and my pains
This current pulls me to you
You feed the fires of my desires
But we are not a thing of the moment
We are bound by so much more
Love calls us, passion builds us, respect guides us

I will not fail us.

I will fight for you.

Song for the Day

December 10, 2016December 10, 2016Pelgris2 Comments

This is a classical piece that floors me. Beautiful and inspired.

Horse dream

December 10, 2016PelgrisLeave a comment

I was visiting a stable. My friend L was running it. A lifelong dream of hers and another of my friends, A, was her vet. One of horses was old and sick. It was in constant pain. It was 5 foot 6 at the shoulder, mottled black and brown coloring with a white lopsided star shape on its head. The vet had provided a drug cocktail to allow the animal to pass in peace, free from pain and lucid. But L couldn’t do it. She left the horse barn in tears. I was there with another friend of mine. We were observers only. I was about to go after L when I woke up to a heart racing panic attack. Great… My dreams are giving me panic attacks.

Making too much of this?

December 9, 2016Pelgris7 Comments

If I say something complimentary, I’m not being sweet or nice. I’m being honest.

If I do something, usually I expect nothing in return unless it is part of a exchange. Again, that isn’t me being nice or sweet. That is me acting as my internal honor and rules dictate.

I can be generous and kind to those I care for, but nice or sweet? That’s not me. Am I wrong? Is that what society sees as sweet or nice?

Ask anyone who knows me, nice and sweet are not words they would use to describe me. It may seem I am making too much of this. But I won’t be dishonest. Even by allowing a misconception.

Again, that’s not me being nice either. That is me adhering to my honor code.

Out of reach

December 8, 2016Pelgris6 Comments

You’re so close but I can’t touch you
So near but I can’t have you
I miss you when you aren’t here
Miss you every minute

But you’ve said you can’t
So I sit
Stuck between my need
My want
And the choices that aren’t mine to make

Talking to people

December 7, 2016Pelgris3 Comments

Talking to people on without the benefit of face to face contact is difficult for me. Not while. As long as there is back and forth, that’s fine. Not while, after. After, I feel a profound sense of loss or disconnect. Because I want to talk more about the conversation. I want a few more minutes of human connection and, because of how I experience things, an intense desire to hold and be held. To lock the memory into my mind. To celebrate a few minutes of intellectual contact with an hour or two of physical contact. I suppose it’s all a part of what I miss. That desire never goes away. Is never sated. It just shows itself in stark relief against the background of nonphysical relationships. I almost wish the purely nonphysical intellectual and emotional relationships I do have, were enough. That I didn’t need or could suppress the need for the physical. But then, that would hardly be true to myself.